I’m a little aghast right now. Fair warning, this will be a little rantish.
I just witnessed a celebrity ‘relationship expert’ demonstrate the most repulsive behavior. I just can’t understand it. How does society at large give such credence to people who do not walk their talk? What is it that? What has people say ‘yes, I will buy your book and invest in you despite your bad behavior” ????
When I was looking for mentors, teachers, coaches, etc…I was watching. Observing. I was very careful to find someone who looked like a better version of me. Because if they weren’t better a version of me, how could I look to them to help me become the best version of myself?
I’m not talking about someone who is perfect. No. I am talking about someone who is consistent and congruent. Just that. I mean, if you can’t resolve your own conflicts, how can you inspire others to resolve theirs?
Hypocritical. This is all I kept thinking.
She was so obsessed with being understood that she became blind to trying to understand the other person. This is key in relationships.
Relationships are two way streets. They are not just your relationships. You co-own them with others, which means their feelings and perspectives are just as important as yours. When attempting to resolve issues, it is important to get out of your own head and try to get into theirs. Now this other person might not be interested in that, and that’s ok. If you are the ‘expert’ you will know how to handle this. And handling it does not mean shaming that person, nor slandering them, calling names, nor embarrassing them. Yet, that is what this ‘expert’ did.
This person has books. Does tours. Holds retreats.
How does this happen? I really don’t understand. I don’t understand how people accept that. I also do not understand the confidence of someone to call themselves a ‘relationship expert’ when they don’t do their work. Again, not looking for perfect. Not looking for someone who doesn’t go on a rant on occasion. I am looking for someone who knows what it means to take accountability. One who is seeking to understand more than to be understood. One who controls their ego, not one who’s ego is out of control.
“Use your big girl words.” That’s what I want to say.
My daughter, at the age of 22, in a verbal disagreement with a 43 year old woman was called a ‘bitch’ by this woman and simply came back with ‘and I think you are a little two-faced’. We don’t call names. We don’t throw labels.
I have been in some dark times. Some trying times. I’ve been overwhelmed and undervalued…
but I never ever let what someone else is doing change who I am.
Consistency and congruence are my measuring sticks. I never ever want to be a hypocrite. I revere other people’s lives too much to sell anything other than my 100% best.
I am not perky all the time. I can get snappy. I get frustrated. And when I act a fool I apologize. I examine why I let it get to me and learn from it.
I do that by asking myself why this is happening. What in me is allowing this? “She brings out the worst in me.” That’s what she said. Well, ask yourself why relationship guru. Why do you think that is? Why does this person who doesn’t know you and can’t know your triggers keep tripping them? And why are you not taking responsibility for those triggers?
Yes, responsibility for your triggers, lies with you, not anyone else. It’s not anyone’s job to walk softly around your triggers. It is your job to understand your triggers and defuse them like the landmines they are. I usually add in a ‘thank you for showing me this’, if not to the person, then to the Universe itself.
I have also processed out loud with groups of like-minded individuals. I don’t pretend I have it altogether. I completely am transparent in disclosing that this is hard for me and I can’t figure it out. “I know this and such, but I can’t get my mind on board” kind of thing. In fact, I just did that in one of my groups, facing one of the biggest challenges of my life. You know what? People respect that and appreciate it.
Please, when you are looking for ‘expert’ advice. Research who’s advice you are taking. Do they tell you what you want to hear, or what you need to hear? Do they tell you things that expand into your highest best self or shrink into someone else’s mold?
Be you and if you need help with that, find someone who has mastered themselves.
I love you.