Carol

Holistic Support In Uncertain Times

Carol was the neighborhood mom of my adolescence. Carol’s daughter, Marsha, and my younger sister were the best of friends. While in our youth we were not allies, as we grew into adulthood we grew closer.

I had peripherally understood that Carol had battled a few different types of cancer throughout her life. It’s unfair really, that anyone would have to face multiple cancer fights, but she was known as a fighter. Even in our youth, her warrior spirit was recognizable.

But there comes a day in every warrior’s life when the sword and shield get heavy and it is time to lay them down.

Carol was at peace with her decision to forego aggressive treatments. She was tired and just wanted to BE: BE with her family, BE in her home and to BE with her God.

Carol was at home with hospice care and as so often is the case of only daughters, Marsha was the caregiver of record.

Upon my arrival I found the energy of the house to be chaotic. This is not surprising as our society has created an atmosphere that treats death as a medical event, rather than a holistic experience. Often an individual internally senses when it is time to let go and accepts this new phase of their journey, but in an effort to ‘stay positive’ the family can pressure the patient to ‘not give up’. This fear-based disparity creates a chaotic energy in the environment.

Acceptance is a very different energy than giving up. Giving up is premature disengagement usually stemming from depression. Acceptance is completely different. Acceptance is no longer fighting against the tide, it is allowing peace to take the place of fear and standing in the love of those surrounding you. Acceptance transforms the scared energy into sacred energy.

Carol was in acceptance. Her daughter was in acceptance. The rest of the family, maybe not so much.

Acceptance became our first goal so sacred things could start to happen.

Families need permission to be ok with a patient’s decision. A simple “It’s ok” from someone with experience often opens up a floodgate of relief from self-imposed criticism.

I observed the family as it operated organically. I saw who was comfortable providing what, supported their strengths and nurtured their perceived weaknesses. I could identify small but significant shifts to facilitate the transition from crisis energy to sacred energy.

Once that happened, peace replaced the panic.

I watched as Marsha used the therapeutic ritual techniques I’d suggested to provide holistic support to her mother. Therapeutic ritual techniques not only provides practical emotional and spiritual comfort to the individual, but it also offers an outlet for the underlying helplessness caregivers experience while caring for a dying loved one.

I never orchestrate anything when I am providing holistic support. I aim to be non-invasive and wait for organic opportunities to facilitate sacred moments. When I was alone with Carol I offered spiritual and emotional support and encouragement. When I was alone with family members I listened to their deepest fear revealed and spoke to that.

You can’t know from one moment to the next what will be of significance so I am always looking for signs. While her son was catching me up on his life, I noticed a change in Carol’s face. I knew she was looking through the veil to the other side. She smiled, sighed and said ‘Ooohhh’. I encouraged her to share her vision. She said she saw so many colors. All kinds of colors. Colors she had never before seen. When I asked her what it felt like she said ‘Joy. It feels like joy.’

I saw the glow of her vision reflected on her face.

Carol died surrounded by her closest family members just three days later.

Providing holistic support to those facing a life limiting prognosis whether due to aging, trauma or disease is the greatest honor of my life. I understand the complicated struggle that happens along the journey between life and death. I am comfortable having the uncomfortable conversations and holding space so that families and individuals can find their own path, create their own memories and feel empowered in their own experience.

My greatest wish is to support more individuals and families in shifting from scared to sacred.

Judith Klemos BSW, CTTP, ULC Minister
Healing Rites of Passage
http://www.willowsongmedicine.wordpress.com
219 488 6176

The Importance of Emotional Estate Planning

True or False?

“I’m not sick. I have plenty of time to do my emotional estate planning.”

False.

While it is never too late to start emotional estate planning, it is also never too early.

Emotional estate planning should not be reserved for those suffering a terminal or chronic illness who are nearing death.

Just think back on the deaths you have experienced. How many were unexpected or were the result of a rapid decline in health?

As I reflect back on the many deaths of family and friends over my lifetime not one of them did much, if any, emotional estate planning and with the exception of my grandmother and aunt, all were rather swift and unexpected deaths.

My father succumbed to a brain aneurysm at age 46. My uncle, to an aortic aneurysm, also in his 40s. My aunt died in a car crash in her 30s. My mother died over the course of one week at the age of 74 of chemotherapy poisoning, just six months after a breast cancer diagnosis. My friend’s husband died almost instantly of a heart attack in his 50s. My friend died just a few months after a diagnosis of ovarian cancer in her 40s. My ex-husband, a non-smoker, died at age 56, six months after being diagnosed with lung cancer. While he underwent chemotherapy he developed a rare secondary cancer that spread to his brain.

This is just a sample taken from my own life, but out of eleven deaths only three were a natural result of a long well lived life. Not much time or opportunity for getting affairs in order, much less for crafting last words, goodbyes or making last memories in the last month of their lives.

My mother and my godmother were the only ones who really did any emotional estate planning and that wasn’t all that much, honestly.

My goal is to prevent as much emotional, spiritual and suffering as possible. I know how much suffering emotional estate planning can relieve. Unfortunately, most people still believe they will ‘know’ when their time is ‘about to come’ and have time to prepare.

Here’s something no one seems to remember to mention…

When you’ve received a diagnosis with a terminal prognosis, the life expectancy they give you is not a guarantee.

A prognosis is not a contract.

We’ve all heard those wonderful stories of someone being given six months to live and they went on for another five years. Those are exceptional. Emphasis on ‘exception’. The stories that are not passed along but much more common, are the ones who are given three months and only get three days.

Most importantly though, life expectancy and prognosis refers only to the state of being physically alive. It does not indicate the quality of that life. For instance, one may be given six months to live, however the last two months may be in an altered cognitive state at best, and unresponsive at worst.

The benefit of emotional estate planning is the opportunity to provide your emotional support to your loved ones before, during and even after you’re death.

How many times have you said ‘I wish I had one more…’, after you’ve lost a loved one? One more story. One more “I love you.” One more something? Emotional estate planning enables you the opportunity to set up these sorts of bonus ‘one mores’ by prompting you to make choices, take action and express yourself.

There is so much benefit to your bereaved when you do emotional estate planning, however you are the one who benefits the most!

By accepting our mortality, before it is knocking on our door, we can deepen our experiences of life, gain perspective and even change the trajectory of our lives. We gain insights not otherwise available to us when we are living in denial.

It puts things into perspective and offers us the opportunity to forgive, make amends and even repair damaged relationships. More importantly, it enhances relationships that are already awesome by strengthening our bonds in sharing profound thoughts and fears.

Taking the opportunity at any age to acknowledge death as a constant companion only brings more depth to our living. As we age however, emotional estate planning becomes increasingly necessary because death falls more into our direct line of sight rather than in our peripheral vision.

Ok, great, you now understand how important it is to do emotional estate planning, so now what?

You could begin by scouring the internet for end of life planners.

Some resources are simply books of checklists and blank lines to record where a document can be found. Others have thought provoking topics to reflect on.

A checklist is fine for grocery shopping. It’s great a tool for not overlooking something. Thought provoking topics are better. They prompt you to dig deeper than the checklist so that you are more prepared emotionally than if you simply filled out a checklist.

What neither of them have though is the availability to support you in processing the emotions that come up when you are doing this kind of planning.

And the feels are real, my friends.

There are feelings of failure, disappointment, worry and fear just to name a few. There are also feelings of overwhelming gratitude, appreciation and love. What do you do with all that? How do you process it and not allow it to overpower you? How do you transform those feelings into actions and gifts that will ease the grief of you and your loved ones?

By doing it with an experienced guide.

Initial Inventory Planning Session

90 mins.

That’s all it takes to get a good portion of the basics of the necessary planning completed. Included is your copy of the Healing Rites of Passage End of Life Planner. This planner is not available anywhere else.

The session will quickly identify where you are lacking in legal, financial, social, medical and emotional preparation as well as facilitate and complete some parts of your plan.

The session serves two purposes: 1) To get the basics of emotional estate planning completed. That’s self explanatory. At the end of the 90 mins you will have your advanced directives outlined at the very least.

At most you will have had a deep conversation outlining exactly your intentions for the end of your life care, whenever it should happen to be. You will have laid the first steps to making your family’s job of memorial planning easier.

…and the second goal…

2) To build a relationship with your end of life specialist. This is less obvious. When you build a relationship with an end of life specialist by initiating your emotional estate planning, that specialist becomes an intimate part of your life. That relationship can then be drawn upon down the road when you are in crisis. Because when you are in crisis you are automatically surrounded by professional strangers (or strange professionals, I suppose).

How about a familiar professional with all the experience necessary to help you sort out the jargon and double speak? How about a familiar professional who can remind you of the things that you decided were important when you weren’t under duress? How about a familiar professional who can remind you of those things to relieve your panic? How about a familiar professional who can ‘be the strong one’ while you and your family have that much needed break down?

It starts with 90 minutes, but lasts the rest of your life.

Why We Say Things We Don’t Mean To Our Adult Children

Ever have the experience of saying something to your adult child and almost immediately regret it, because it didn’t come out the way you intended to or because it sounded completely ass-ish outside of your head?

We say things we don’t mean because we aren’t saying the things we really mean.

Something like “You don’t do this right” could be hiding “I miss you.” “When are you going to do what you said you would do?” is really covering up “When can we spend time together?” The more the discord, the more the distance.

But what if you’ve said what you need to say? You’ve asked for what you need and still you don’t get it?

I find that the more I am missing someone the more tongue-tied I become. When I do see them then all these emotions come flooding through at once and I am at a loss to try to control the flow. When I’ve asked for something again and again and I don’t get it, I get sad. I know people have their own lives, their own agendas, their own ways, but when there’s no room left for me I feel neglected. That doesn’t always get expressed in the most eloquent of ways and for that I have to apologize.

What to do then?

“Love them and give them room” is the answer that Spirit has given me.

I don’t think this is anymore difficult than in a parent/adult child relationship. From the moment of conception a parent is a parent. By the time that child become an adult, that parent has spent the majority of their adult life dedicated to the spiritual, emotional, mental and physical development of that developing person. All parents do this to a greater or lesser degree.

So, as the adult child peels away to begin to carve out their own space in this life, this can feel counterintuitive to the parent. This is the VOID, aka empty-nest syndrome. It isn’t about having empty rooms in your house so much as it is having empty space in your life.

Empty space.

Even the words sound painful. Where once there was “I am so busy I have no time for myself” now there is “I have so much time to myself I don’t know what to do with it all.” And while your first thought is always your child and how each decision you make will affect them, their first thought is now – rightfully so – how their decisions will affect themselves…not you.

This is normal. This is not selfish. This is expansion and you did it too. While we may have ventured to be different parents than the ones who raised us, we will repeat some patterns until we consciously examine them.

It feels like abandonment.

And I promise you, whether you’ve attended to your abandonment issues or not, they WILL real their ugly heads one more time here! 

I’m not going to sugar coat it. It feels like this piece of your heart that you gave legs to, just up and walked out without considering your feelings at all. But it isn’t their job to consider your feelings…not like that anyhow. Yes, in how they speak to you and how they treat you, but going on and designing a life of their own requires no invoice to you. You have to catch yourself when you start feeling abandoned and do a reality check. What were you doing at that age? How did YOU feel about your parents?

So what happens now?

Now we learn how to make decisions without thinking of them first. Its time to put ourselves first again. We take a good look at our expectations of others and ask ourselves, if the roles were reversed what would our actions be? What might our intention be? And…how best can we support that adult child in this new phase of our relationship? (Hint: Sometimes the best support looks like nothing.)

We also learn how to use that empty space to our advantage. The Universe empties that which is full and fills that which is empty. So, be open to what the Universe is about to send you. Don’t look to substitute, just allow what is supposed to fill that space to come at its own pace.

Your relationship will find its new normal. A normal that is equal to the time, love and attention you started it with. Everything will settle into its equilibrium. You will have a new and beautiful relationship with your child, once again – as soon as you stop expecting it to return to something it was before. It’s preparing to be something it has never been, much like a caterpillar in its cocoon on the way to being a butterfly.

Be patient…you’re a parent, you’ve got lots of experience with that.

I love you.

I SO love you.

~Jade