Don’t Be “The Bigger Person”

black-and-white-people-bar-men.jpgYou’ve had a conflict with another person. Things may have gotten out of control and both sides are hurt. You may think the other person is at fault or at least at greater fault. At one point someone suggests you apologize and you reject that notion. That person then says to you, “be the bigger person” and you reluctantly decide to make the first move towards resolution.

Chances are that resolution wasn’t as successful as you would’ve liked. In fact, it may have even made things worse and you might be wondering why.

When you label yourself ‘bigger’, you are -by default- labeling them ‘smaller’ and it immediately sets up an energetic power struggle. “Bigger” is a relative term, which means it has no meaning without reference to something “smaller”. Energetically this is communicated through any interaction then.

You continue the conflict (power struggle) by putting the other person down energetically and with your language. You can’t help it. If being the bigger person is your motivation then all action from that place will be tainted. Can you feel the difference between these two ‘apologies’?

I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt. I’m sorry you felt that way and that you took what I said wrong.

 

I’m sorry. I never intended for your feelings to get hurt and I apologize that what I said caused you pain.

Can you feel the difference in the energy?!

The first one is passive-aggressive and is pretty typical of someone who is coming from a bigger/smaller place.

While we are not responsible for how someone else feels, we are accountable for our actions and our actions impact others whether we intend for them to or not. I think it is important to understand the intent of our actions, realize there can be miscommunication even with the best of intentions and there need not be ‘fault’ assigned, when accepting accountability. Just clear transparent communication.

If you can’t come to a conflict resolution open hearted with no power struggle strings, then you are not ready for conflict resolution. Wait until you can come to the table with an open heart.

Unless/until you can come with an open heart, the resolution won’t have a solid foundation for a conflict free future and the only point to conflict resolution, is to build a conflict free future. This can’t be done if egos are running amok and the ego is surely running amok if the only way you can think about doing the ‘right’ thing is to consider yourself the bigger person.

Conflict resolution isn’t about getting one over on another. It isn’t about proving anything to anyone. Its about clearing energy from your heart center and improving the vibration between two (or maybe more) parties. Its only about ‘winning’ if both parties are winning. It isn’t about being a better person than the other, merely a better version of your self.

Here’s the thing…

Conflict resolution isn’t necessary unless you create conflict. There is actually a way to live your life in such a way to minimize or even eliminate conflict in a healthy way.

I can hear your disbelief. “Conflict is a part of life” you think, but it isn’t. Conflict, by definition is a “serious and protracted disagreement or argument”. Not seeing eye to on a topic isn’t an automatic conflict. It’s when people believe there is one ‘right’ perspective and endeavor to impose that on others, demanding agreement, that conflict ensues. Simple seeing things differently is not conflict, its perspective.

Now, here are four steps to live your life to minimize if not eliminate conflict healthfully.

  1. Let go of winning.
  2. Disagreements are not automatic conflicts.
  3. Conflict resolution does not equal confrontation.
  4. Shift from the negative to the positive.
Let go of winning

When you are aligned you realize there is no ‘right or wrong’. There is what resonates with you and what does not. You cannot speak for another on the subject of resonating. What resonates with you may resonate with another, but you can never know if it resonates in the same way because neither of you can know the experience of the other! All you can do is trust your inner self, when you are most connected to Spirit to determine what resonates with you. The goal is not to win but to expand!

Disagreements are not automatic conflicts

Speaking to one another with respect and understanding, focusing as much on understanding another as we do on being understood by another is primary to eliminating conflict from your life. Transparency means being authentic without the fear of reprisal or harm. Approaching a problem from two different perspectives is a wonderful way to find the best solution. When you eliminate the need to win from a disagreement, you are automatically opened up to explore the limitless possibilities of outcomes and conflict isn’t even a ‘thing’.

Conflict Resolution does not equal Confrontation

If you do end up in conflict and find yourself approaching conflict resolution, it is important to understand that conflict resolution does not equal confrontation. Confrontation is hostile, conflict resolution is not. It can be uncomfortable (remember what we said about uncomfortable in the intimidation article) but it not hostile. True Conflict resolution, by its very name, will focus on the resolution not the conflict. Whereas confrontation has the aggressiveness built in, defenses are up and an implied right/wrong dynamic exists.

 

Shift from negative to positive

I’ve saved the first for last. Yes, you read that right. The very first thing you need to do to eliminate conflict from your life is to shift from the negative to the positive. Why did I save it for last? Because if you remember nothing else from this post, I want you to remember this…it is the single most important and powerful thing you can do for the betterment of your life. I have many people confess to me that they wish to be more positive but find themselves stuck in the negative. That is understandable. You were taught to be negative, you weren’t born that way. So, you have to unlearn it in a matter of speaking and relearn to be positive. There is one simple two step trick to making the switch.

The first step is to be aware of your negativity. Pay attention to your thoughts and your words. When you find yourself focusing on the negative, even if it is simply how something didn’t live up to your expectations, notice it. Be aware that you are focusing on the ‘lack’ of something rather than the ‘gift’ of something.

Once you have gotten used to noticing your negativity, the second step is to double up on the positive. What does this mean? For every negative thing you think or say, you counter with two positives. Say you are out to dinner with friends and the waiter forgets the tea you ordered. You find yourself feeling irritated and make a snide remark to your dinner companions. You hear it. Now you find two positive things to say about the waiter. Yes, say them out loud, after all you complained out loud, didn’t you? Maybe the waiter brought you extra rolls or had a pleasant demeanor.

Making this change is conscious, which means it will take effort to 1) notice the negative and 2) double up the positive. However, the shift you will be making will cascade out to all parts of your life. You will be more conscious of how your mind works and whether or not your attention is on the negative of life or the positive (aka the lack or the gifts). Remember that life will bring you whatever you purchase with your attention. (It’s a little like Amazon.com that way!)

All right, this has been sitting in my drafts folder for too long now, so I’m going to hit publish and know that it is on it’s way to those who need to hear this message the most.

As always, remember…

I love you!

~Jade

Jade’s work is different and we think you will find it effective and economic. It combines Jade’s knowledge and skills cultivated over three decades of psychiatry, human services, hospice, geriatrics, crystal healing, QiGong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch with her natural Spirit given gifts of intuition and being an empath.

Check out our Healing Rite of Passage Me-Treat & Workshops for 2018 

Join us for more conversation in our Facebook group Willow Song Firekeepers

As of now Jade is limiting the one on one work she does. For availability please email an inquiry.

To schedule services please review options here and email Jade here to make arrangements.

 

 

 

 

Gratitude And Discomfort

Gratitude is on my mind today and its a bit of a surprise.

I was lying in bed, feeling a bit sorry for myself, to be honest. Wondering if I’ve made a mistake pursuing this path. Wondering if I put too much stake in the vision I’d had so many years ago of Quan Yin. As I checked into my body I felt familiar heaviness taking over. I pulled myself out of bed, made a cup of coffee and went back to my bed for my morning rituals.

First I smudge to cleanse myself and my space, marking it as sacred time. Then I pull a card from the first of two decks and then journal about it. Then I pull a card from the second of the two decks and journal again. This ritual serves me so well and its hard to explain in words. I never ever ever ever evvvvvvver fail to get an answer that serves my highest good.

So this morning, I pull the first card after thinking I need to re-evaluate my whole life plan and BAM! the last line of the passage contains, “Your medicine is strong…” The moment I read these words, I know their truth. I feel it in my bones. I feel remiss for my moments of doubt. I write through my process to come to the place that allows for expansion and I feel twice as big as I did moments ago when I was lying in bed wandering in the dark.

I pull the second card and this is not a BAM but a flick of a lightswitch. It takes a minute for me to process through to the connection. The majority of the message was about blessings coming, but within the context of that message was something more…it was gratitude, and it hit me in a new way.

The energy of the concept was different today. I’ve known gratitude. I was in on the beginnings of the ‘attitude of gratitude’ train. Gratitude and I are old friends, but there is a new depth to the word today when combined with the first card’s processing.

Gratitude in and for the present moment AS IT IS. Too often I see people (myself included in past times) trying to pull themselves out of the present moment by grasping for things to state gratitude for. The effort is in getting themselves out of the moment that is providing discomfort rather than being grateful for the discomfort itself. Do you follow?

I really held that in my breath and seep into my bloodstream. A new depth to gratitude is not to use it move myself out of discomfort but to appreciate the discomfort. To know that the discomfort has its place too, usually to launch us into a huge expansion and a place of beautiful comfort.

It always comes. It never fails. As if to ‘test’ me though the moment it comes almost seems to get pushed back further and further the more I surrender. Its like a game…’how far can we push her until she goes back to old habits?’ Today’s message assures that I won’t go back to old thinking, if I’m constantly staying grateful for the present moment. Grateful for the discomfort.

Whenever I think of discomfort I remind myself of how uncomfortable it must be for sprouts pushing up through the dark earth. How uncomfortable must they feel right before they push through the surface and feel the sun? How long must that climb feel? What if that precious little sprout gave up, thinking that its dreams of being a flower were too big? Where would our world be if we all gave up like that?

So I practiced. I took the dogs for our morning walk and just stayed in the current moment. The moment right in front of me and practiced gratitude for that. For whatever I was feeling, because I was indeed feeling it! Feeling discomfort means we are still alive and we are working on something big!

Discomfort is the place our growth begins. It tells us that where we are, no longer suits us and something bigger is waiting for us. More discomfort comes when we don’t make efforts to move on to that bigger place then. The discomfort can fool us. It can make us think that the movement is the problem. That we are in discomfort because we moved somewhere we shouldn’t have, rather than because we haven’t moved far enough.

Moving anyway isn’t always the answer either. Just moving to move can move us in the opposite direction of where we intend. So sitting with the discomfort, having gratitude for it and allowing what is next to appear is the best guide for moving through it.

Discomfort in the dark soil is what causes the seedling to sprout and move up towards the sun, in the first place. It doesn’t decide to give up. In fact, it never even considers that as an option (or maybe it does and I just don’t know because those are the ones that never make it to the surface…Hmmmmm…..thoughts to think on.)

We have a choice. We can allow discomfort to give us the excuse to not move or we can allow it to propel us forward. It really is that simple. A choice. One little choice and then another, another and another. Before we know it we have expanded into an even better version of ourselves on our way to another expansion into an even better version of ourselves.

Where’s your discomfort?

I love you.

~Jade

 

Jade’s work is different and we think you will find it effective and economic. It combines Jade’s knowledge and skills cultivated over three decades of psychiatry, human services, hospice, geriatrics, crystal healing, QiGong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch with her natural Spirit given gifts of intuition and being an empath.
 
To schedule services please review options here and email Jade here to make arrangements.

 

Direct Attention To The Wanted

Discernment is selection based on desire and intention.

When we are clear in our desire and intention then we draw those things to us. But being clear about them means pointing our attention to them, not to what we do not desire.

If we look at life through a scale of wanted to unwanted we can tell quite clearly when we are putting our attention in the opposite direction of where we want to go.

Wanted—–Less Wanted—–Unwanted

When we experience an unpleasant emotion it is an indication that we are in contrast with our Greater Self. It is a flag that we are sticking to a belief that does not serve us. Moving our thoughts along the scale above can help us move from lower to higher vibration easily.

Initially, moving your thoughts along the scale will feel like trying on new styles of clothing. Your EGO will want to hold on to the notion of ‘right and wrong’ and desire you to come out on the right side of things. When you let go of that need it is easier to find your Greater Self thought. This is where the old saying comes in, “do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?”

When you have unpleasantness, pay attention to your thinking, what do you believe/think right now? Then, hold a ‘higher vibration thought’ and see how it feels – more pleasant or less pleasant? If it isn’t something you can embrace yet, then pick a slightly less higher vibrational thoughts to play with until you find one you can embrace.

The holidays are coming up and often there is much family draw from as examples. Let’s see if we can play with it a bit. Someone says something derogatory to you and you are furious/hurt. You might want to stay in that place, because you believe you are right to be hurt/furious. Turn your attention to whether this hurt is wanted/pleasant or unwanted/unpleasant. If it is unwanted then move the thought up the scale of vibration. What’s a higher thought you can hold onto to raise your vibration and your experience up to wanted? What is the highest truth you can hold onto?

When you find a higher vibe thought that resonates with you it will feel energetic and light. It will bring you peace. That’s the difference between say ‘revenge’ thinking that might make you feel powerful but does not offer you peace in that power. Does that make sense?

Some suggestions:

  • I know that this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.
  • What other’s think of me is none of my business.
  • I live in my personal truth. I know the truth of other’s is different.
  • My value is determined by my own measures.
  • I believe in my own path.

When you encounter anything do not react. Choose a response by asking yourself if this will take you towards or away from your goal of peace, love and expansion. It is easy then to see the difference between things like empowerment and revenge.

How This Differs From Affirmations

The idea of “fake it ’til you make it” can happen with the use of affirmations.  The idea that you can simply say positive words over and over to change your underlying belief is incomplete. There must be awareness attached to it. You must pay attention to your feelings and where they land in your body as well as on the scale above. Just repeating positive words does not work nearly as efficiently as giving the emotions attention.

Many times people give up on affirmations because it feels fake. That’s what I’m talking about here. It isn’t a magick verse as some have presented it. It is a tool to focus on to shift your thoughts up. The magick is found in discovering affirmations that resonate one step out of your comfort zone so you can easily work your way up to your highest truth.

For instance, if you choose to do mirror work and you are looking at your belly and it displeases you it might feel disingenuous saying “I love you”, but “I am learning to love you” might feel more pleasant and thus genuine. Or maybe “I love that you protected my baby as it grew” (if that is the case). As that becomes more comfortable you can expand by moving back up to “I love you”.

The more we put our attention to what we want, what is pleasant, the more our life will bring pleasant to us.

I love you.

~Jade

 

Jade’s work is different and we think you will find it effective and economic. It combines Jade’s knowledge and skills cultivated over three decades of psychiatry, human services, hospice, geriatrics, crystal healing, QiGong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch with her natural Spirit given gifts of intuition and being an empath.
 
To schedule services please review options here and email Jade here to make arrangements.