I’m not a very black and white thinker. In most cases I see 50,000 shades of grey. I am not an ‘all or nothing’ kinda chick…except when it comes to this.
It’s like being pregnant…you are either judgmental or you are accepting. There is no in between.
I have so many thoughts on this, I don’t even know where to begin. We all have opinions. We all see things from our own perspectives, and those perspectives are right for us…right now. Tomorrow they may or may not be the same. However your perspectives, no matter how strongly you believe in them, are never ever to be imposed on another.
Which means if you find yourself looking at someone else’s behavior, actions, words, or possessions and use the phrases “They should/shouldn’t…”, “That’s not right…”, “She really doesn’t need to…”, “He needs to…” “I wouldn’t do it like that…” you are being judgmental.
The ONLY exception to this is if you are discussing things regarding a relationship you are in. Then it is perfectly acceptable for you to, in essence, judge a person’s behaviors, actions, words and potentially even their possessions as they relate to you in your relationship or potential relationship.
That isn’t what I hear most often though. What I hear is people having strong opinions for themselves and using those opinions to judge the actions of another.
Right now I see this a lot regarding abortion.
I get you. You have strong feelings about abortion being the ending of a life. I support you in that. I support you in the times when you could’ve had an abortion and did not. I also support those who see it differently as well as those who chose to end their pregnancy, for whatever reason.
Because it is their life not mine. It is not mine to judge another, in any capacity, in anyone’s name, for any reason.
- I do not dictate what others eat, though I have definite opinions on what ‘healthy’ means.
- I do not dictate what others do for a living, though I have definite preferences for my own self.
- I do not dictate whether someone is an organ donor, even though one person could save up to eight lives and a single tissue donor can save up to fifty lives!
- I do not dictate how others raise their children although I feel very passionately about these lives.
- I do not dictate the medical care of others even though I see how much modern day ‘medicine’ can be poisonous.
I feel good about the decisions I have made in my life, even though some of them I would not make now if presented with the same choices. That is because I learned from my journey…not because I judge myself for it.
I don’t want to be judged, therefore I do not judge and I do not assume others are judging me. That said, I know there are people who have judged me and who judge me today.
That’s ok. Look close…and learn.
Learn what it looks like to be
- compassionate, even when it is challenging.
- accepting, even when it is annoying.
- inclusive, even when it is inconvenient.
- honest, even when it is hard.
If you are judging me, you are missing out. You are missing out on an opportunity to expand your mind, your soul and your experience of life. If there is one thing I love hearing more than anything else is ‘Oh, I never thought of it like that’. Only good things ever follow that shift!
I have dug deep. Deep. To find a way of living that supports all the laws of love. I don’t talk the talk without walking that walk.
Judge not, lest you be judged…bet that I learned that one FIRST.
Judging others is a quick and easy junk food kind of thought diet that keeps incongruence and hypocrisy alive. It eases guilt for not being the very best version of yourself. When you feel you cannot or do not want to do better, it is easiest to alleviate the ill feelings around by pointing the finger at someone else and saying ‘look at how awful they are!! I would never do that!’
It is easy to say ‘if it were me, I would/wouldn’t…’, but it isn’t you, and that is the point. It isn’t you, therefore it is not for you to judge. It is not for you to decide anything for anyone else.
I will admit that I look at others and think, ”she could be happier if…” I’m still in debate with myself if this is judgment or assessment. I do not condemn that person as ‘bad’, or ‘less than’ in any way for not doing things the way I would, so for right now I am sticking with it being ‘assessment’.
As a Life Transitions Doula it is my job and my responsibility as well as my gift, to see things that individuals can do differently to attain a desired result. Unless they ask for my assistance though, I keep it to myself. On rare occasions I may make an observation and offer it, but am always receptive to the fact that they may not be ready to address these issues and my input ends there.
I may discuss it with another, but only with another who has a vested interest in the best outcome for that person, for the sole purpose of supporting said person in the highest possible fashion.
If your hobby is sitting around talking shit about people, you are being judgmental and you might as well own it out loud. Make no bones about it. Be honest about it and don’t pretend you are anything but.
I will tell you this though, what I observe in people who have this hobby, is an overwhelming dissatisfaction with life and underlying self-loathing.
I love you. I always will.
Supporting Those In Transition