When Death Comes – An End of Life Doula Perspective

Early on Life taught me that it had a set of bookends named Birth and Death. I was not afforded the luxury of death denial. I understood clearly that death was always part of the deal.

This perspective impacted my life in a deep soulful way. A way that made me seem odd in the eyes of my peers.


When I first heard the term, ‘End of Life Doula’ I thought, “this is what my whole life has been about.” Because death has had such a prominent place in my experience of life, I organically became the ‘death guru’ in both my personal and professional lives. Intuitively I understood what someone dying was seeking and what those who were grieving required. It isn’t something that can be taught, it must be lived through.

Death in our modern society is viewed as a medical opponent meant to be thwarted at all costs, yet the reality is that we all have two book ends. At some point we must come to acceptance that our time on Earth is finite and that treating death solely as a medical event, without proper attention to the spiritual and emotional needs, leads to regret and complicated grieving.

Because of my experiences I have learned how to walk with death while in the midst of living. I have discovered the sweetness this perspective brings to living and wish to bring it to others. This is why I suggest people begin looking at end of life issues as early as age 45 or with the first hint of a medical scare, rather than just when death seems imminent.

It is off-putting to some because our society has done such a good job of hiding death away in sterile environments and labeling any reflection as ‘morbid’ or ‘negative’. To the contrary, openly embracing the inevitability of death makes us appreciate life even more. We live deeper because we are not closing our eyes and lips in denial. When our eyes and lips are open, we place more value on our relationships and experiences and less on the pursuit of material gains.

The more we integrate discussions about dying preferences into medical treatment discussions the more informed each patient’s choices can be. Subsequently, the more discussions we have the less alone we feel.

This is not easy for most though and that is where I want to be of service. I want to be one to facilitate discussions, listen actively, offer inspiration and comfort in situations where others may not know how. To this end I have compiled my experience and education into an End of Life Planner that gives structure and direction through these waters. It serves as a guide for those who wish to explore their fears, preferences and beliefs around death and dying. I call this ’emotional estate planning’.

Through tragedies we are opened up to a new level of connection with others. Why wait until then, though? Why not open up to real connection talking about something so real and inevitable as death and our wishes around our care during that time?

When death comes we may never be ready, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be prepared.

When Death Comes
by Jade Klemos

When Death comes, it is not convenient, or better, or easy.
It doesn’t come with manners, etiquette or rules to follow.
It doesn’t come bringing a gold leafed invitation you can decline,
It comes with surgical steel precision dissecting your life.

Death may come in the quiet of night with a crash
It may come at high noon with a silent breath.
It may be welcomed like a soft bed of blankets after a long journey.
It may be as disagreeable as a bed of nails.

Death comes without explanation, justification or reason.
It comes without being fair, or just or reversible.
It comes without your permission, approval or acceptance.
It comes without an undo button or an option to refuse delivery.

When Death comes, it cares not what God you do or do not believe in;
Whether you went to temple, church, mosque or Sunday brunch.
It cares not what’s in your bank account, or on your to do list.
It certainly cares not whether you are ready.

When Grief comes, it comes ripping shreds of flesh from emotional bones
Filling them with marrow of sorrow.
It cares not how many birthdays you’ve had
Nor how many degrees hang on your wall.

Grief comes bringing unbelievable pain and intolerable numbness.
It comes bringing more questions than answers.
It may come as a gentle wave on the shore Or as a tidal wave tossing you under and over.

Grief comes without respect to place, or time or status.
It wreaks havoc with equilibrium and motivation.
It causes doubt, isolation and disorientation.
It is unilaterally deaf to desperate pleas for mercy.

When Grief comes, it comes without kindness or compassion.
It cares not that you are overflowing with it and unable to breathe.
It cares not that it brands epitaphs on your heart.
It cares only that it change you forever.

Death Is Imminent

When I try to explain how I can help with the last days or even with the grieving period, I get a little tongue tied. I don’t have a set formula or pat answers to any situation. What I have is intuition that leads me to suggest things to a particular person in a particular situation that remedies a particular suffering. Something I might never again suggest to anyone else.

Dying is the most intimate occasion of our lives.

People die the way they live, so while one may prefer to have every family member around their bed as they cross the threshold, another might prefer to slip quietly across in the middle of the night with no foreshadowing.

My gift is to listen to what is being said, and what isn’t being said, to see what is forthright and what is hidden, in order to offer alternatives that offer physical, emotional and spiritual comfort to each individual involved.

“What can you do for us?”

I can only answer that question one way; in a half hour face to face consultation where I ask a series of questions to ascertain what is most important to you at this time.

From those answers we could have a very good conversation about how I, as an end of life doula, could assist in your current situation.

When I tell people what I do, there are two reactions:

  • 1) “Wow. I wish we’d known about that when my loved one was dying.” Or…
  • 2) “Oh.”

I hate both those responses, the first one is about missed opportunities through lack of knowledge. You can’t know what you don’t know, right? But if you had only known you could’ve made a different choice.

The second one is equally disappointing because in that one word so much is conveyed…”I’m not comfortable with that topic.” It means, when the time comes they likely will not remember to call someone like me to help navigate the emotional waters.

But I’d rather hear those words than. . .

“We should’ve called you.”

I can do no more than offer my service and share a vision with you. You are the one who has to decide to push through the inherited societal discomfort around death to embrace a new way of doing things. I will never ‘sell you’ on my services. I won’t try to convince you that this is the best thing to do in your situation. I won’t do it. Do I think everyone can benefit…yes absolutely. There isn’t one single circumstance I can think of that wouldn’t.

Even if YOU are an end of life doula, you can benefit from an end of life doula!!!

But I won’t sell you on it. It will either resonate or it won’t. But please don’t ever come back to me and say ‘we should’ve…’

My heart can’t take it.

If dying is the most intimate experience of our lives, then grieving is its counterpart for those left behind.

It is truly never too late to call me. The death has occurred, the funeral or memorial service is over, and you find yourself ruminating over what you now think you should’ve done better or differently.

Not only can we explore some rituals to help you over this hump, we can also begin right now to prepare for your own death so that your loved ones will not have your same experience. We can start conversations, create your vision and get everyone on the same page…even if that page doesn’t get turned for many years to come.

Death is imminent for all of us, the only difference is that some of us realize it.