My Dearest Emma,
You are 24 today and I can’t stop thinking about the many things I wish I’d done differently while I was raising you. As a mother, one sets perfection as a goal, no matter how much they say perfection isn’t a thing. I’m so very proud of the woman you have become, so while I was not perfect, I know I did something pretty darn well.
Yet there are so many things the woman I am now would do differently if she was raising you. While I was raising you, in many ways, I was raising myself. You were the impetus for my evolution to my highest self, but I had no idea how to do that initially. I just knew, deep in my soul, that to be the mother you needed I had to become something more; something more than the scared, people pleasing, co-dependent girl in a woman’s body that I actually was.
See, when I looked at you I saw a compete sacred being that I didn’t feel worthy of nourishing. The glisten of Heaven reflected in your eyes and the smell of angels wafted from your skin. You had so much wisdom for someone without a vocabulary and by merely arriving you called my bluff on being ready to be a mother. As a young woman with no concept of herself, this was a bit overwhelming at best.
So began my journey into personal development and the metaphysical world. I read the greats like Iyanla VanZant and SARK, the ever prominent Women Who Love Too Much and Co-Dependent No More, Illusions by Richard Bach (thus discovering my favorite author), as well as Oriah Mountain Dreamer’s Invitation just to name but a mere few. One of the first things I began to understand was that my thoughts of the future and my perceived deficits churned into anxiety and depression. My thoughts and misbeliefs caused me so much suffering and one by one I examined them and tossed them out. This made me a more emotionally and mentally stable person and therefore mother, but I never shared this with you.
Looking back, I would’ve taught you as I was learning rather than wait until I thought I had it all figured out to start sharing with you. There is no end to learning and there is great value in learning together. There is no landing place on evolving into our highest selves. It is a lifelong (and by that I mean many lifetimes long) journey of constant evolution and ascension. I would’ve made it a grand adventure together.
The Things I Would’ve Done Differently
I would’ve taken the advice that I now give you to NOT make lemonade out of lemons. Its one thing to look at a seemingly random event of the Universe and make the most of it. Its quite another to accept a mud pie, put some frosting on it and call it a cake. When a relationship fails to feed your soul, no amount of ‘understanding’ will make it into a healthy relationship. Healthy boundaries make healthy relationships, nothing else does. If your needs aren’t being met in a relationship (romantic, friendship, or employment), then asking for what you need and receiving it is the only kind of acceptable lemonade.
I would’ve taught you to meditate daily starting at age two. By the time I felt confident enough to teach you to meditate you were not receptive. Consciously connecting with Source would be second nature to you by now, bringing you peace and comfort in the midst of chaos. It wouldn’t seem like such a strange concept, it just would be what we naturally do to maintain our spiritual health.
I would’ve done QiGong with you to assist you in developing your natural energy healing skills. QiGong awakens the light in a person and keeps the energy moving preventing stagnation and promoting conscious connection. It helps you clear not only your energy but the psychic energy that you pick up from others.
I would’ve read to you more. I got too caught up in trying to control things I had no business controlling and while I read to you often when you were an infant and toddler, sometime after that it just fell off the schedule. I don’t know why or how. It wasn’t conscious. Again, I urge you not to make lemonade out of lemons, as a lot of things end up collateral damage.
I would’ve cooked with you, not for you. It wouldn’t matter that it would take longer, be messier or make noise. It would’ve given us precious moments to look back on today, but it also would’ve given you experience in creating and developing your intuition and hands on experience with getting in touch with what nourishment your body needs.
I would’ve shared more truths with you rather than trying to protect you from the really hard ones. I thought if I held myself up to a high standard and showed those results only, then you’d have this really great example to model yourself after and you wouldn’t make the same errors in judgement that I did. In honestly sharing my truths I would’ve demonstrated that there is no shame in yours and maybe you wouldn’t judge yourself so harshly.
I would’ve put myself first more in all my relationships so that you’d know to put yourself first as well. In every relationship, including my relationship with you I put myself last. I put the needs of your dad, my parents, my job, my friends and you all before my own needs. I’ve seen you recently unlearn this and I’m really so proud of you for not waiting as long as I did to get it.
Lastly, I would’ve cried in front of you, instead of holding in my tears when they were rising. I wanted to show you strength, not realizing until much later that hiding those tears made them seem like some sort of weakness. I just wanted you to feel secure, so I made sure my tears fell in the dark alone. It didn’t matter what I was crying over, it’s vital for you to know that crying is a healthy release. There’s no weakness in tears, only strength and healing. Tears are pain without words being released, clearing room for healing to begin. Tears are like the bubbling action of hydrogen peroxide poured on an open wound scrubbing away the damaged tissue and debris.
Your childhood would’ve been filled with practicing our manifesting skills by raising our vibrations and sending energy out into the Universe and gleeful at what returned to us. We would’ve had more moonlit conversations. We would’ve spent more time just sitting under trees connecting to their energy. We would’ve gone to more farms.
I Absolutely Gave You My Best
I’m not saying I did a bad job. I absolutely gave you everything I knew to give. I tried to pack magick in every moment and I can still hear you say to me, “Mom, you gave me too good a childhood. I don’t want to grow up” and I will always cherish that. We had a lot of laughter and adventure. I know you had the childhood we were meant to have together, but I realize that the ME now would do it differently. However, the ME now is in charge of being the parental consultant to your young adult-ness and I can only trust that I am exactly what you need now.
The truth is it isn’t too late to fill your life with practicing our manifesting skills. I am open to more moonlit conversations, sitting under trees and connecting to their energy or go to farms. It’s never too late for anything.
Happy HAPPY grown up birthday, Emma. You are smart, beautiful and kind. I cannot wait to see the butterfly that emerges from this next cocoon year!