To Tell, Or Not To Tell The Children, There’s No Question

It is our job as parents to protect, nurture, and guide our children into whole human beings. It is our responsibility to do this to the best of our ability. If we do it right, the parenting role will take us outside our comfort zone more often than it doesn’t. Sometimes stretching us into improved versions barely resembling the old.

We know it isn’t best to take the easy way out and give in to whining, or temper tantrums, or tears when enforcing bedtime, curfew, or homework. We establish house rules and expect there will be resistance in the teen through young adult years, while we live under the same roof. Still, we know that it is best not to give in just because they will be upset.

That same truth appears here – where we are talking about a parent’s terminal diagnosis or life-limiting illness.

Navigating the rocky terrain of life-limiting illness and terminal diagnosis is a challenge none of us fantasize about. Most don’t spend time thinking about how to handle such a situation in advance. There’s no play book, no manual, and certainly no instruction sheet for reference. When it comes to our kids, though, we have to get it right – and we only have one chance. What we give them during this time will shape who them become as adults.

“We’re Not Telling The Children”

If this is you, this your fear talking. You want to keep things as they are, falsely, in an effort to deny what is happening. In an effort to hold on to yesterday for one more day. But it isn’t fair to your children.

I know you think you are doing the right thing, but you are doing the easy thing. There is nothing on Earth harder than breaking your child’s heart. You tell yourself you are doing the right thing, by delaying that broken heart as long as you can. What you are really doing though is postponing that broken heart until such time as you are either gone, or too weak to be able to support their processing.

You don’t tell the children so you won’t have to deal with their pain – not so they won’t have to deal with yours…that’s not what we do as parents.

Now is when you’re children need to know. Not tomorrow or next week, because I promise you tomorrow, or next week, or the week after will bring the day you most dread when it will be too late.

Tell them when you are diagnosed. Let them be a part of your healthcare and support team. Including them early on prevents them from being at the ‘can’t we do something stage’ when you’ve already determined there isn’t. You don’t have to have all the answers when you tell them. The fact you let them in on the process will allow them to deal with whatever comes along.

You are leaving them and that is inconceivable. However, they are going to have to live a whole lifetime without you. They are going to need every second possible to grasp that and to gain the tools necessary to make it through some important milestones and intense challenges.

They will feel powerless in all this – much like you – so give them opportunities to feel empowered. Give small children small jobs, like being “Mom’s water pitcher manager”. Give older children tasks that play to their strengths like making Dad’s favorite play list or a favorite sandwich. Allow them to feel they serve a purpose in supporting you.

Give them space to process and opportunities to express their fears, feelings and faith. They will need help navigating these emotional waters, give them as much time possible to do that by telling them as soon as possible. They need you, now more than ever, in order to cope with losing you. After all who better to teach them?

When you keep the truth from children you deny them the maximum time possible to process their anticipatory grief and to cherish their time with you.

“They’re Too Young To Know What’s Going On”

No child is ever too young to know when something is changing. Even infants are affected by grief, as they pick up on the emotions and energy in the environment and in their caregivers. They will need extra soothing, comforting and nurturing to calm their distress. Infants and toddlers need extra physical comforting because they cannot process linguistically yet. They might need to be held more. They might need extra reassurance about mundane things. They’ll need to sleep more. They’ll need you to honestly deal with your own feelings because they will sense the discord if you are not.

The older the child the more aware they will be of the non-verbal cues in the household. No, your three year old will not process the same information as your sixteen year old. They still need to be part of the process, though.

Why Tell Them When It’s Only Going To Hurt Them?

Because every child knows the temperature in their own house. Every child I’ve ever worked with, knew things were bad long before the divorce papers were filed. Yet, every parent felt so sure that ‘the children didn’t know anything’. So, many children end up in therapy for ‘behavior problems’ only to find out they are lost in an emotional forest because they experience congruence: “I sense something is wrong, but everyone says it’s all fine.” The truth of their experience clashes with the lies of adults and creates chaos internally. If you ever wondered how ‘gaslighting’ got it’s start, here it is.

If this is true, then it is more true when a parent is terminally ill. Our children are comprised of our blood and DNA. They know things about us. They know when we are not being honest and truthful. They know when we don’t feel well. And most of all they know when we are afraid.

It’s more than ok to share that with them – it is necessary for their emotional wellbeing.

When we are diagnosed we are not the only ones…everyone else in our life receives the diagnosis as well.

When we don’t share the truth with others we take away their rights. Yes. Their rights. Their right to support us as they desire. Their right to take care of us like we’ve taken care of them. Their right to have as much time possible to process feelings and anticipatory grief. Their right to share this experience with us. Their right to their own experience of our dying and death.

When we don’t share truth with others we take their freedom. The freedom to choose how to say good-bye, how to spend their time, and how to grieve. We rob them of the opportunity that comes with time, too. The opportunity to share the words on our hearts, to make lasting memories, and to bear witness to and for one another.

When we keep the truth from children we are not shielding them, we are isolating them.

If you or your spouse has been diagnosed with a life-limiting illness or has received a terminal prognosis, you and your kids have already been dealt a crappy hand. Don’t make it worse by stealing precious time from one another because it is painful. It’s going to be painful no matter what. You can’t control the wounding, but you can control the bleeding, so to speak. Every decision you make regarding sharing, or not sharing, the truth with your kids impacts them in one of two ways: either helping the healing process or complicating the grieving.

Here’s something else.

Tell the children because they already know. And if they already know, then they also know you aren’t telling them the truth. And if they know you aren’t telling them the truth, they can’t trust you to tell them truth in the future.

And that is the most damage you can inflict in a parent/child relationship.

We cannot protect our children from a diagnosis. We can only help to arm them with appropriate tools to come through this to the other side.

This loss is something they will walk with the rest of their lives. It is important we do this one thing right because there are no do-overs. We only get one chance to say good-bye.

Jade

Holistic Support Specialist, Interfaith Minister, First Responder Chaplain, Shaman, Energy Healer, Licensed Social Worker (ret)

The Greatest Thing I Ever Did

I know you’ve heard it a lot. People say it around Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, but this is January and I’m still gonna say it.

The greatest thing I ever did was have a daughter and name her, Emma.

Last night Emma and her two best friends (besides me) came over for dinner. This has become our family tradition, Tuesdays With The ‘Rents. Sometimes it is just Emma and other times we get all three.

Last week two of us almost died. Like seriously. There were unrevealed coconut allergies and inhaled water during a laugh/swallowing debacle.

This week had a deeper theme with the loss of their mutual friend. Yet, there was still laughter. Around the table we had one with both parents living, one whose father died before he was born and mother now gone, one whose father died when she was three and mother now gone, one who was 16 when her father died, mother living and one who was 22 when her dad died, mother living.

Exploring grief is not considered normal dinner conversation. Yet, that is how we roll. It’s how I’ve always rolled. Whatever my daughter brought to the table I allowed, pun intended. No question was ever put off in hopes she would forget, no matter how uncomfortable. No topic was off limits, because you can’t get to comfortable bypassing discomfort.

As her friends reveal more of themselves I realize how much thought I really put into being a mother.

It started when I was a teenager. I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but my relationship with my own was…well…strained. Somewhere around 14 I began making notes in my head, of the things my mother did that caused me to feel badly about myself. I promised my future children that I would do things differently. I harbor no ill will against my mother, she absolutely did the best she was able to do. Though I didn’t understand that then, I do now. In that she provided me an experience of what I did not want, I am so grateful. My relationship with my mother fueled me to have a most incredible relationship with my daughter.

In doing that, my relationship with my mother shifted and she grabbed the opportunity to have a different relationship with my daughter than she had with me. And she was really good at it, too. The memories they made together formed a vital part of Emma’s foundation.

Last night it came up, in conversation, that I make a conscious choice to not manipulate Emma as she was growing up. I never said I was disappointed in her, I made sure to state I was disappointed in her choice. It was her choice and I supported her even when I disagreed with her. There was a time she was making choices that I couldn’t support, but I did make sure she knew that I would always supported her, just not her choices.

That may sound like a difference without a distinction or ‘just semantics’ to some, but last night I understood completely that there is indeed a distinction and the power of semantics is mighty. Because I did not set her up to want to please me -the authority figure- that is not in her wheelhouse today. Today she is free of the need to please others over herself or to require validation of her own experience. In short, what others think of her is none of her business. This left her free to question authority figures and not blindly trust them; thus she has never been an easy mark for predators of any sort.

Sometimes sharing this style of communication and thinking is new to Emma’s friends. In the past, it has even made her the odd person out. I know it did me as a parent. I had been criticized, mocked and judged by it. I’m sure she had similar experiences as she felt comfortable speaking about subjects that made others giggle and joke in discomfort. As she grows more in her confidence of who she is, she is attracting people to her that appreciate her. Thus, while these things may be foreign to them, they are not put off by it. Actually, they seem to be drawn in, if I may be so bold.

My husband and I met 6 years ago and aside from Emma he is the best thing to happen to me. He was the first guy to really understand how precious my relationship with Emma is. In fact, I often overheard him tell others that he had never seen a mother/daughter relationship like ours and how impressed he was with it. And that’s saying something because he came along when ‘I support you but not your choices’ was a weekly mantra in the house.

When I had Emma I was a shadow of the woman I am today.

I denied my needs to meet the needs of others. I worried what people thought of me. I cried often and for unknown reasons. I had an unsettled unhappiness within me. I had irrational fears. I worried all the time. I had a constant knot in my stomach. And worst of all I thought all of that was normal.

When I looked at her though something clicked in me. Something that said I needed to up my game. That living in worry, anxiety and fear were no way to actually live; and in fact, that life was not about surviving it, but blossoming in it.

So began my journey creating both the women we are today.

The way I see it now, being a mother is one rock I threw into a still pond. For that one rock (Emma) my energy ripples out through her and changes more lives – my husband, her roommate, her boyfriend. And hopefully they keep that going by sharing with others what we’ve shared with them.

But being a mother was not an altruistic task. I got out of it as much as I put into it. Being a mother changed who I became and made me a better person.

Truly the greatest thing I’ve ever done.

I love you.

~Jade

13 Pieces of Wisdom

If I had to bottom line my take on living your best life, it would be this list.

#1 When People Show You Who They Are Believe Them

Maya Angelou is one of my favorite authors and this is my favorite lesson from her. I used to really get caught up in what people told me. Their behavior would show me one thing, but their words would tell me another. I always believed their words. This made me easily manipulated.

When I started to put two and two together this quote really made sense to me. People can, and will, say anything to ‘keep’ you in their illusion.

#2 Rule of Three

The rule of three applies across the board for almost everything. What you put out into the world, comes back to you threefold. Third time’s the charm. But what I mean here is the pattern formula in relationships. The first time a behavior appears it can be a fluke or an error in judgement. The second time it appears is concerning and needs to be discussed. The third time is evidence of a pattern of behavior and if the behavior is a deal breaker, it is best to walk away. The pattern is difficult if not impossible to break without concentrated effort to change.

#3 Never Go Backwards

Ex’s are ex’s for a reason. What brought you together has deteriorated and you’ve grown in different ways in different directions or you wouldn’t have broken up. Don’t look back. Don’t buy into old patterns (see #2). The exception to this is time. If more than seven years have passed and you find yourself in different places at the same time, then explore! You are both different people. Give it a try. You never know what will happen. But make sure you keep #2 close to your heart because change many not have taken place after all.

#4 The Universe Is Conspiring On My Behalf

It is easy to believe this when events we deem good come our way. When in the midst of undesirable things however, this can be difficult to embrace.

You just have to look back over your life’s disappointments, heartaches and tragedies to see how they created openings for other wonderful things to enter your life. It doesn’t mean that they weren’t painful or hard. It doesn’t erase that pain or struggle, but it does help us heal from them. Life is filled with beginnings and endings; hellos and goodbyes; starts and stops.

Knowing that everything is perfectly perfect in its imperfection and all is in Divine Timing can get us through the most confusing times.

#5 Everything Happens As It Needs To

This flows perfectly from #4. Everything happens exactly as it needs to. Exactly. You can’t moan away hours whining that you ‘shoulda’ done something different. This moment of realization is brought to you courtesy of all the moments that came before it. Not everyone’s awakening/healing will happen in the same format. What is made available to you is done so when you are available to receive it and when it is most beneficial for you.

So often we lament over “I shoulda, woulda, coulda’s”. Nitpicking over every single memory inspecting where we went wrong or where we could’ve done better. It’s a waste of time. Bread is dough until it is fully finished baking. You want bread, my friend. Be bread. Embrace the bread. (Even if you choose gluten free!)

#6 Don’t Chase Anyone Who’s Walking Away From You

Rejection is a hard pill to swallow…so don’t. Rejection isn’t a thing except in your own mind. When someone is walking away from you, either at a cocktail party or after a 20 year marriage, it is not a rejection of you. It is an expression of their needs or wants. There is nothing lacking in you that you need to feel rejection over. Nothing.

And there is likely nothing lacking in that other person either. They just have indicated to you that connection lies elsewhere for both of you. A simple, ‘thank you for clarifying’, muttered under your breath is gratitude enough! You didn’t realize that lack of connection, so be grateful they did before you spent weeks, months or years figuring it out. Next!

#7 Always Follow Your Intuition

Ever say to yourself, “I KNEW it!” after something doesn’t quite go the way you expected? Or maybe it even did go as you expected. That is your intuition. It may not (and it does not) have logic or reason behind it, but it is as true as True North. You need to cultivate that. Don’t let your brain tell you that you must justify that niggle. That niggle is your built in navigation system. This is your direct line from your Source Self. It isn’t full of fallacy like the ego mind. It is pure and clean and accurate.

As we grow up though we may be surrounded by others who have ignored their intuition. They will convince you to turn yours off to, so if you are looking to turn it back on, it might take a bit to figure out the secret codes. How to decipher between your intuition and fear can be difficult. Here’s a tip: fear will move you away from something; your intuition will move you towards something.

#8 Your Life Is Created By Your Vibration

You may have heard this already – In fact, you may have heard all of these already – but you might not fully understand it. Maybe you don’t even understand vibration. Ok, let’s get personal for a moment.

Check into your body.

  1. Think of the last time you were disappointed. How did that feel in your body? Was it heavy? Dense?
  2. Now think of the last time you had an orgasm. How did that feel in your body? Not during, but after…the afterglow. Got it? How did that feel to you vibrationally? What words would you use to describe it?

How you feel after an orgasm is a moment of your highest vibration. You can feel the energy buzzing and humming throughout your body, under your skin long after the orgasm has past. You want to make choices, take actions and have beliefs that make you feel like that, rather than how you feel when you are disappointed. Being disappointed is a moment of your lowest vibration. If you can get your thoughts to a place where they make you feel your highest vibration (HV) you will attract things, people and events that match that. Then you will respond with HV which will cause more HV things to present themselves. Its an upward cycle. I don’t need to tell you there is an equal and opposite downward cycle with low vibration, do I?

Situations that bring your vibe down are inevitable, but you can switch on your highest vibration by revisiting HV thoughts and find the closest truest thought about the current situation. (If you’ve done ‘affirmations’ and they didn’t work for you, it is because you were missing this piece.)

#9 Eliminate “Should” From Your Vocabulary

As hinted at in #5 ‘should’ is a four letter word. Ok, it’s not, but it is profane in it’s manipulations. There is and never will be another you just as you are in this lifetime. Never. Not one. Therefore, these rules that surround ‘should’ are bogus. No one ‘should’ do or be or have anything specific at any given time.

Instead of shoulding yourself, “I should do this because it is the right thing to do”, say instead “I want (or need) to do this.” We all do things we don’t really want to do, for the sake of a healthy relationship. “I don’t want to go hiking, but I do want to participate in an activity that my beloved enjoys.” Should is a derivative of guilt and guilt needs to be a non-entity in your life.

#10 Let Go Of That Which No Longer Serves You

I remember the last nigh-nigh (pacifier) that my daughter had. She used them only when she went to bed, which is how they got their name. Nigh-nigh. At the point that I intuitively felt she could fall asleep without them, I stopped replacing them. By this time she understood the term ‘broken’ and that when things were broken we could not fix them and they went into the trash. So, as each nigh-nigh deteriorated I let her throw them away. One by one she let them go. They were no longer necessary. They no longer served her.

It is the same for many beliefs/thoughts/relationship/material possessions in our lives. We hold on, sometimes, just for the sake of holding on. We need to step back and see if something is serving us. We ask ourselves, ‘is this serving my highest good?’ ‘Is this taking me towards or away from my highest best life?’ And we let go of what isn’t and allow the Universe to present what is next.

#11 Fear Leads You Away From Something

I mentioned this in #7 but it is important enough to stand on it’s own as many of us cannot tell the difference between being cautious and letting fear get in our way. Now, I am not talking about the sort of fear that tells you not to go down a dark alley at midnight. I am talking about the kind that prevents you from expanding your wings and trying something new. The one that tells your heart, you can’t.

Intuition, says “meh, no not this, but maybe this”, while fear says, “oh no I can’t! That’s foolish! I could lose everything!” Intuition will always end with an alternate possibility and feeling elated, while fear will leave you in the exact same spot feeling defeated.

#12 Never Let Them Change Who You Are

Do you remember when someone first told you, ‘don’t sink to their level’? I do and I must confess it felt binding as well as vague. Internally, I wanted to hit them low when they hit me low. I wanted to impart pain in equal measure to what I’d experienced. When I did that though, it didn’t make me feel any better. The pain was still there and something else sat like sludge over the top of it.

Why? Because I was changing my nature to match someone else’s vibration. My higher self was conflicting with the lower expression of who I was. In short, I was letting them change who I was. That’s when you have lost…when you’ve lost who you are.

#13 Strive To Understand Before You Strive To Be Understood

I left this for last, because I want it to be the last taste in your mouth. I want it to hang off your lips and be the first to fall out. This is the key to successful relationships, no matter the relationship. Too many individuals are caught up in the power struggle to be ‘heard and understood’, because they feel like they have been voiceless. In a world where no one is listening that isn’t surprising.

I was raised Catholic and one of my very favorite songs is St. Francis’ prayer. It is filled with good advice that I have tried my best to live my life by. If you don’t know it, these are the words. And you can hear it here.

Prayer of St. Francis
Lord make me an instrument of your peace
Where there is hatred let me sow love
Where there is injury, pardon
Where there is doubt, faith
Where there is despair, hope
Where there is darkness, light
And where there is sadness, joy
O divine master grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console
to be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned
And it’s in dying that we are born to eternal life
Amen

 

I have long left my organized religious roots behind me. Or maybe they are just at the very root of who I became. I have taken the very best of what I’ve been taught and combined it with other teachings that resonated with Truth for me.

This, ‘to understand as to be understood’ is but one.

I leave you here, with this because there is no better way to leave you.

I understand, but I will never stop seeking to do so.

I love you,

~Jade

To My Child On Mother’s Day

Emma newbornMy Dear Child,

Being your mother has really always been about me.

It was my choice to be your mother.

It was my choice, not yours. You don’t owe me anything. I chose freely. Not only did I choose to have you, I went out of my way to manifest you!! I did everything in my power to create you out of pure Light. I wanted nothing more than to be a mom, your mom and I made it happen. You don’t owe me anything for that. It was my choice.

MY choice.

My choice to bring you into the world and to give you my all. It was not a sacrifice.

Not.

At.

All.

I’ve never sacrificed a single thing for you. Know that. What I let go of, I did so to hold something greater…You. That’s not a sacrifice. That’s wisdom. That’s Love. That’s Motherhood.

You didn’t ask to be here. I did. I asked you to be here. I appreciate that you gave your consent, volunteering when my plea went into the Universe, but it was still my ask.

I have given you everything I had to give, because I couldn’t not. Out of all the mothers in the world you chose to say ‘yes’ to me and I wanted to make sure I did the best job I possibly could.

And it is my job.

It’s my job…to be your mother. As such, it’s my job to love you unconditionally. Without condition. Do you hear that? Without condition. There are no conditions to my love. You don’t have to do a single thing to prove your love to me. You don’t owe me anything. It was my choice to have you and its my job to love you.

I made vows to you the moment I knew you existed. ‘Til death do us part, my love. ‘Til death do us part. There is nothing you could ever do to change that. That doesn’t mean I always agree with your choices (nor that you will always agree with mine), but it does mean that I will always be behind you (or next to you, whichever is more appropriate).

You’ve hated me for it sometimes, but that’s part of the job. My heart has been broken and will break a million times over, but that’s the job too. Because you did me the favor the day you were conceived. You fulfilled my dreams and now I support you in fulfilling your own, because that is my job.

And having that job is my privilege…

It’s my privilege to be your mom. To see you grow into a strong independent adult who sees the world through a unique lens. I did not raise you to be a cookie cutter follower, but a glorious trail blazer willing to do things your own way. To challenge the norm and embrace the underdog. Even when you challenged me, it was my privilege, because you made me a better version of myself.To see Life in a very different way from how I was taught.

It has been my privilege to hold you, wipe your tears, pick you up, dust you off and send you back on your path. It’s been my privilege to have a front row seat to your transformation. To be a witness to your triumphs and challenges.

My privilege.

My choice. My job. My privilege.

Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.

And above all this, it has been my truest joy.

Even with the heart aches and heart breaks (we’ve had more than our fair share, for sure), its been my joy to walk with you on this journey. The feeling of your finger wrapping around mine for the first time. The look on your face when you took your first steps towards me.Seeing your face light up when I came to pick you up. Having many adventures where we laughed so hard we cried. Watching you glean wisdom from your experiences – good and bad. To witness you blossom through the storms. Holding you together when you needed to fall apart. To be your first friend. To be your guide, your confidante and your sounding board.

These things and so much more…

Being your mother has been the greatest joy of my life.

Thank you.

I love you.

~ Momma

I Love You

My understanding of these three little words have transformed proportionately to my own evolution.

As a child I had the most open concept of love. I loved everything around me. Every person. Every animal. Every tree. Every plant. Every space. Every rock. Every stuffed animal. Every fairy.

I even loved myself…until my mother told me ‘vanity was a sin.’

My mother, with good intentions, taught me fear. She taught me that to love so openly would only bring heartbreak when those I loved, loved me not. Or that those I loved would use that love to manipulate and diminish me (I’m sure she didn’t realize that is exactly what she was doing).

She learned this fear from my Grandmother, who taught it to me too, when she taught me about ‘rape’ after I shared with her that I’d had my first kiss. And my mother reinforced that when she cautioned me on ‘all things male’ well into my twenties.

In my youth and young adulthood I sought love everywhere, in search of that childhood feeling of freedom, not realizing I had cut myself off from it. I believed love was selective. That in order to be loved you needed to be perfect and that in order to love you needed to find perfection.

I remember the first time I heard someone say “I love you” in a non-intimate circumstance. I don’t remember what it was exactly, some motivational/inspirational setting, and all I could think was “What a crock. You can’t love me, you don’t know me – you don’t know all the unlovable things I’ve done, been and said”.

I distrusted “I love you”.

In many ways I felt I needed to prove my love to others and thus needed others to prove their love to me. I started every relationship from a point of ‘no love’ with the understanding that if one did enough, well enough, then it would move to ‘love’.

This is not how we are meant to live. What this did was make me vulnerable (correct use of the word) to all the horrible things my mother and grandmother cautioned me about. In fact, it served to make me vulnerable to date rape, molestation, sexual harassment, bullying, intimidation, self-sabotage, poverty and prime to suffer at the hands of multiple narcissists.

I was searching for something I didn’t even believe could be mine. This became the foundation for self-sabotage in my life.

Then along came Emma. Giving birth to my daughter opened my heart and gave me a glimpse of the unconditional love I had in my childhood. It felt familiar, heavenly and ‘right’. There was no struggle. There was no “let me get to know you before I decide if I love you.”

I began to realize that we are meant to come from a place to love, right off the bat. 

The healing started with the love for my child, but it was my love for myself that was needed. I had to get back to that place and overcome the counterproductive programming that had me believe that we needed to earn love and that loving oneself was vanity.

As I began to accept myself for every imagined flaw, I began to see beauty in them. Just like the crystals I collected, with their inclusions – each ‘flaw’ a beauty mark. What made me different did not make me weird, ‘less than’ or a disgrace, it made me amazing, unique and priceless. It made me stand out as I was meant to, rather than blend in which is what I had tried to do – and failed miserably.

I ‘failed’ because I wasn’t being authentic. I was always using my energy to be something I wasn’t, in order to gain love and acceptance. There was so much incongruence between who I was being vs who I was born to be that it created a breeding ground for illness (recurring acute illnesses) and disease/disorder (cancer) to set in.

As I loved myself more, I awakened to all the people I loved that I hadn’t credited. Specifically my friends, and I started telling them “I love you”. At first it was uncomfortable – not for me, but for them. I scared a few people away with it, because they were operating with the same limited definitions I had been. Explaining what you mean to people isn’t easy, either. Especially when they are of the opposite sex. A woman only tells a man she loves him if she wants to marry him. NOT! Thus I was labeled ‘clingy’ by a few.

So, here I was telling these people I loved, that I loved them and stirring up all sorts of stuff for them, all the while experiencing more and more love! It was wonderful! The more I loved others, the more love I found for myself as well.

The truth is until and unless we accept and love ourselves, we will always find the love and acceptance of others suspect.

Meaning we will discount it as often as we can. As well, we will always give out our own love and acceptance sparingly, even when we think we are being nonjudgemental and unconditional.

Not so long ago I became overwhelmed with the realization of the love I have for my fellow humankind: people over the internet, people I witness briefly in passing and even people whose struggles have merely been relayed to me.

Spontaneously, my posts began to end themselves with “I love you”. I never even questioned it.

*in a whisper* Ok, that’s a lie. My lower self totally questioned if others would think it disingenuous – only for like a second, though.

I never thought to change it. And then the next one ended that same way. Then it became clear that I’d reached a new relationship with ‘I love you’. The one I’d had all those many years ago as a child.

Whether this is the highest evolution of “I love you” or not, it is my highest evolution to date and it boils down to this…

I love you because I love me and I see me, in you.

 

I love you, truly.

~Jade

 

Jade’s work is different and we think you will find it effective and economic. It combines Jade’s knowledge and skills cultivated over three decades of psychiatry, human services, hospice, geriatrics, crystal healing, QiGong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch with her natural Spirit given gifts of intuition and being an empath.

Check out our Healing Rite of Passage Me-Treat & Workshops for 2018 

As of now Jade is limiting the one on one work she does. For availability please email an inquiry.

To schedule services please review options here and email Jade here to make arrangements.

 

 

 

 

Why We Say Things We Don’t Mean To Our Adult Children

Ever have the experience of saying something to your adult child and almost immediately regret it, because it didn’t come out the way you intended to or because it sounded completely ass-ish outside of your head?

We say things we don’t mean because we aren’t saying the things we really mean.

Something like “You don’t do this right” could be hiding “I miss you.” “When are you going to do what you said you would do?” is really covering up “When can we spend time together?” The more the discord, the more the distance.

But what if you’ve said what you need to say? You’ve asked for what you need and still you don’t get it?

I find that the more I am missing someone the more tongue-tied I become. When I do see them then all these emotions come flooding through at once and I am at a loss to try to control the flow. When I’ve asked for something again and again and I don’t get it, I get sad. I know people have their own lives, their own agendas, their own ways, but when there’s no room left for me I feel neglected. That doesn’t always get expressed in the most eloquent of ways and for that I have to apologize.

What to do then?

“Love them and give them room” is the answer that Spirit has given me.

I don’t think this is anymore difficult than in a parent/adult child relationship. From the moment of conception a parent is a parent. By the time that child become an adult, that parent has spent the majority of their adult life dedicated to the spiritual, emotional, mental and physical development of that developing person. All parents do this to a greater or lesser degree.

So, as the adult child peels away to begin to carve out their own space in this life, this can feel counterintuitive to the parent. This is the VOID, aka empty-nest syndrome. It isn’t about having empty rooms in your house so much as it is having empty space in your life.

Empty space.

Even the words sound painful. Where once there was “I am so busy I have no time for myself” now there is “I have so much time to myself I don’t know what to do with it all.” And while your first thought is always your child and how each decision you make will affect them, their first thought is now – rightfully so – how their decisions will affect themselves…not you.

This is normal. This is not selfish. This is expansion and you did it too. While we may have ventured to be different parents than the ones who raised us, we will repeat some patterns until we consciously examine them.

It feels like abandonment.

And I promise you, whether you’ve attended to your abandonment issues or not, they WILL real their ugly heads one more time here! 

I’m not going to sugar coat it. It feels like this piece of your heart that you gave legs to, just up and walked out without considering your feelings at all. But it isn’t their job to consider your feelings…not like that anyhow. Yes, in how they speak to you and how they treat you, but going on and designing a life of their own requires no invoice to you. You have to catch yourself when you start feeling abandoned and do a reality check. What were you doing at that age? How did YOU feel about your parents?

So what happens now?

Now we learn how to make decisions without thinking of them first. Its time to put ourselves first again. We take a good look at our expectations of others and ask ourselves, if the roles were reversed what would our actions be? What might our intention be? And…how best can we support that adult child in this new phase of our relationship? (Hint: Sometimes the best support looks like nothing.)

We also learn how to use that empty space to our advantage. The Universe empties that which is full and fills that which is empty. So, be open to what the Universe is about to send you. Don’t look to substitute, just allow what is supposed to fill that space to come at its own pace.

Your relationship will find its new normal. A normal that is equal to the time, love and attention you started it with. Everything will settle into its equilibrium. You will have a new and beautiful relationship with your child, once again – as soon as you stop expecting it to return to something it was before. It’s preparing to be something it has never been, much like a caterpillar in its cocoon on the way to being a butterfly.

Be patient…you’re a parent, you’ve got lots of experience with that.

I love you.

I SO love you.

~Jade