Hold Yourself Accountable, Guru

I’m a little aghast right now. Fair warning, this will be a little rantish.

I just witnessed a celebrity ‘relationship expert’ demonstrate the most repulsive behavior. I just can’t understand it. How does society at large give such credence to people who do not walk their talk? What is it that? What has people say ‘yes, I will buy your book and invest in you despite your bad behavior” ????

When I was looking for mentors, teachers, coaches, etc…I was watching. Observing. I was very careful to find someone who looked like a better version of me. Because if they weren’t better a version of me, how could I look to them to help me become the best version of myself?

I’m not talking about someone who is perfect. No. I am talking about someone who is consistent and congruent. Just that. I mean, if you can’t resolve your own conflicts, how can you inspire others to resolve theirs?

Hypocritical. This is all I kept thinking.

She was so obsessed with being understood that she became blind to trying to understand the other person. This is key in relationships.

Relationships are two way streets. They are not just your relationships. You co-own them with others, which means their feelings and perspectives are just as important as yours. When attempting to resolve issues, it is important to get out of your own head and try to get into theirs. Now this other person might not be interested in that, and that’s ok. If you are the ‘expert’ you will know how to handle this. And handling it does not mean shaming that person, nor slandering them, calling names, nor embarrassing them. Yet, that is what this ‘expert’ did.

This person has books. Does tours. Holds retreats.

How does this happen? I really don’t understand. I don’t understand how people accept that. I also do not understand the confidence of someone to call themselves a ‘relationship expert’ when they don’t do their work. Again, not looking for perfect. Not looking for someone who doesn’t go on a rant on occasion. I am looking for someone who knows what it means to take accountability. One who is seeking to understand more than to be understood. One who controls their ego, not one who’s ego is out of control.

“Use your big girl words.” That’s what I want to say.

My daughter, at the age of 22, in a verbal disagreement with a 43 year old woman was called a ‘bitch’ by this woman and simply came back with ‘and I think you are a little two-faced’. We don’t call names. We don’t throw labels.

I have been in some dark times. Some trying times. I’ve been overwhelmed and undervalued…

but I never ever let what someone else is doing change who I am.

Consistency and congruence are my measuring sticks. I never ever want to be a hypocrite. I revere other people’s lives too much to sell anything other than my 100% best.

I am not perky all the time. I can get snappy. I get frustrated. And when I act a fool I apologize. I examine why I let it get to me and learn from it.

I do that by asking myself why this is happening. What in me is allowing this? “She brings out the worst in me.” That’s what she said. Well, ask yourself why relationship guru. Why do you think that is? Why does this person who doesn’t know you and can’t know your triggers keep tripping them? And why are you not taking responsibility for those triggers?

Yes, responsibility for your triggers, lies with you, not anyone else. It’s not anyone’s job to walk softly around your triggers. It is your job to understand your triggers and defuse them like the landmines they are. I usually add in a ‘thank you for showing me this’, if not to the person, then to the Universe itself.

I have also processed out loud with groups of like-minded individuals. I don’t pretend I have it altogether. I completely am transparent in disclosing that this is hard for me and I can’t figure it out. “I know this and such, but I can’t get my mind on board” kind of thing. In fact, I just did that in one of my groups, facing one of the biggest challenges of my life. You know what? People respect that and appreciate it.

Please, when you are looking for ‘expert’ advice. Research who’s advice you are taking. Do they tell you what you want to hear, or what you need to hear? Do they tell you things that expand into your highest best self or shrink into someone else’s mold?

Be you and if you need help with that, find someone who has mastered themselves.

I love you.

~Jade

 

 

 

Let’s Talk Communication

Wow. I really struggled with this one this week. Did I want to do a video or a post on it? I might just end up doing both, so watch for it!

Every where I turn it seems there is miscommunication happening.

More than a handful of times in my life, I’ve been accused of getting hung up on semantics or belaboring a point, because I endeavor to understand what you are saying in the most crystal clear way possible. I have been tagged an ‘over analyzer’ as well, because, again, I want to understand.

Is this easy? No.

Is it working for me? I’d have to say yes.

While I may have accusations tossed at me and annoy some people, more often than not I can turn a misunderstanding around quite quickly. This proved invaluable in my work as a therapist working with couples and families as well as individuals seeking to have a perspective shift.

I have developed conflict resolution policies and protocols for companies. I have presented communication seminars as a form of conflict prevention. (Conflict and disagreement are not the same thing.) I include communication guidelines/tips in all the work I do. These are all indicators that its working for me.

You know how I know that not being crystal clear isn’t working for others? I see suffering. I see people end working relationships because of unexpressed expectations. Situations where a simple conversation could’ve opened up and expanded the relationship, they’ve chosen to abruptly dissolve it.

This is what I saw just this week. Someone who had hired a good quality service for months, suddenly ended the relationship without discussion. When inquired about it, several issues were revealed that had not been discussed earlier. This person dismissed the offer to have an open dialogue about their disappointments. I observed two people having a conversation with opposing views and one person deciding the conversation was disrespectful, where I saw open dialogue happening.

What makes it so hard to communicate? Why do you not want to put in the effort? Yes, it can be uncomfortable. Sometimes because you are vested in being ‘Right’. But usually because you are used to making a swift judgment and carrying out the sentence immediately, instead of taking some time to process what is actually going on. This is reactionary. Its knee jerk, ‘jerk’ being the keyword there. It is not on the path to your highest best self and life.

Talking through unmet unexpressed and even unrealistic expectations serves you better in the long run. You aren’t continually running through employees, friends, jobs, coffee houses, social media groups, etc.

I cannot tell you how many situations I’ve turned around simply by asking more questions to clarify intent. 90% of discourse has been discovered to be merely a misunderstanding of intention, quickly resolved with a ‘did you mean?’ And/or a ‘that was not my intention at all.” This has resulted in far superior relationships going forward.

This week that was not my experience, however. My personal experience with a vendor at the local Farmer’s Market, left me bewildered. This person was not open to my questions, nor even to my ‘oh no that was not what I was saying at all, in fact, quite the opposite.’ He was too involved in creating his little world of drama and discourse. He talked over me, cut me off and dismissed me. He wasn’t listening to what I was actually saying, but rather on what he thought I was going to say.

Not a way to keep a customer. No matter how many attempts I made to resolve the issue he was not hearing me. It got to the point where I returned the item I bought, asking for a refund because I didn’t want that energy anywhere near me.

I walked away in self-reflection, because I know I invited that on an energetic level. I learned what to do and not to do next time I have a whiff of someone vested in conflict.

I still was left to ponder the situations where I was a mere observer. Where others were accused of being ‘mean and nasty’ merely for expressing a differing viewpoint and wanting to discuss it. And where a mutually beneficial relationship ended because one doesn’t see the value of communicating concerns or questions.

I did what I could in the latter, which was to allow the willing one to process, self-reflect and learn from the situation (like I had done with the vendor). We used this experience to make some changes to their business practice, because this situation did highlight something that could be done better. In that respect this was a blessing, despite the loss of the business relationship.

In the former case, I’m still percolating. Not sure there is anything to do. The situation stopped escalating, but not really resolved. I like a nice clean bow on things. I believe in nice clean bows! But I respect my brothers and sisters who don’t. So, I will let it just be, as is.

Just for discussion’s sake, let’s explore the differences between conversations, disagreement, conflict and conflict resolution.

Conversations: participants equally sharing their views – similar or different – showing respect for each other.

Disagreement: two opposing views expressed.

Conflict: a power struggle between two parties with opposing views.

Conflict resolution: a structured intervention designed to incorporate a basis of communication techniques that allow the situation to go back to a conversation.

Conflict is not a necessary component of life. It is inevitable, because there are always those who are invested in being right, ie: changing someone’s mind. It is not necessary, however.

The fullness of life is experienced when we have differing viewpoints expressed in rational and calm fashion. It might go something like this…

A: “I see this.”

B: “I see that.”

A: “Interesting. How do you see that?”

B: “I see it ……”

A: “Ok, I follow that (or maybe I don’t), but then how does that fit with ….?”

Super short, but it makes the point that the emphasis is on understanding the other’s point of view, not on proving yours nor making them prove theirs. Agreeing or disagreeing doesn’t even have to come into play when you are trying to understand someone else.

Oh…understanding? The key to better communication? Its also the key to a better life. Interesting.

I love you.

~Jade

Intuition: The Soul’s GPS

Over-reacting; Too sensitive; Emotional; Reading too much into it; These are a few of the words used to describe me over my life. This is how I was shamed out of relying on my intuition. In fact, at one point it was so bad that I purposely made choices opposite of what my intuition told me.

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Photo by David Cassolato on Pexels.com
You might imagine what a mess that made of things.

A real mess. The worst decisions I ever made in my life happened during that time period. Our intuition – and everybody has one – is our Soul’s GPS. It is meant to guide us on our journey through life. It is the closest thing to an owner’s manual that we have. So why do people try to talk us out of it? Because they don’t want us to see their deceptions.

The deceptions they have created to hide their own insecurities – not only from others, but from themselves as well. They don’t want to see what we see. They don’t want to feel what we feel. They don’t want to hear what we hear. So selfish. Other people putting their fears onto me, making me doubt myself, making me feel crazy, just to keep up their appearances.

This impacted my life in such a huge way. Sometimes, I feel like that whole dark time of my life was wasted. Our intuition is a part of our light and when we deny it we are flying blind. I would’ve lived a whole other life, because I would’ve made different choices – the opposite choices, actually. But regret is not an option, because everything happens for our highest good and so I hold to that.

Understanding now that my intuition was a gift meant for me to navigate life consciously, I look back on the dark time with new eyes. As I reflected upon the truths I knew but were denied, I felt anger initially and then power.

Yes, power.

I was, am and always will be powerful beyond measure. I knew what they tried to hide so fiercely from me. I knew. I knew and that unnerved them. I knew when I wasn’t wanted. When I was lied to. When I was betrayed. I knew and that scared the crap out of them. They would do anything to keep their secrets. That’s on them.

As I reflect back on that time with these new eyes, it’s as if I did make all those other choices. It’s like I never lost power. Never lost a step. Never made the wrong decision. Which means, of course, there was never a wrong decision in the first place.

Its empowering, enlightening and enlivening. Its a new day. This awakening has caused a huge shift. Huge. Suddenly it is as if the movie of my life went from black and white to high definition resolution full spectrum color. Now, when I see it in my mind, it is no longer dark, but illuminated.

Follow your intuition.

Easier said than done? I know. I get that. I didn’t even know what intuition was (primarily because those who would’ve taught me needed me to ignore it). How do you understand something that has no words, just vibration (before you even know what vibration is?)

It’s the parent’s responsibility to teach their children to honor their inner knowingness. If parents support a child’s intuition, even when (or especially when) they are picking up on something you don’t want them to know, then they will learn to follow their intuition. Not discounting or dismissing their feelings is the only way to teach a child how to use their intuition as the gift of navigation through life.

While it might be uncomfortable to talk about when they ask you why Daddy is sleeping in another room, tell the truth. Because when you try to hide such life events from them they feel conflicted between what their senses are telling them and what you are. This creates such great self-doubt. You are not protecting them. You are harming them.

Our job as parents is to prepare our children to become independent contributing members of society. So, even if we could, protecting them from the events of life wouldn’t be doing our job. Life is full of events. Some are harder than others and cause us to expand in ways events of pleasure cannot. It is a disservice to the adults our children will grow to become when we fail to prepare them by showing them how to deal with the unpleasant.

But what can I do now?

You as parents develop the future by how you raise your child, but what can you do now to develop your own intuition? The answer is ‘sooooo much!!!’

Start with simple things like anticipating which elevator door is going to open. Guess the time before you look at the clock. Guess who’s calling before you look at caller id. If you haven’t gone into a metaphysical shop to look at crystals, put that on your calendar. Go in and hold the ones that appeal to you. Hold them and see how they feel. What comes up? Do you feel heat? Cold? What does your intuition tell you about the crystal? Is it for you? If so, purchase it.

The best thing you can do to develop your intuition is communicate. When you sense something from someone you trust, ask them about it. Take the risk and express what you are you sensing. Be prepared that they may not fully disclose. What you really need is the practice expressing your impressions. The more you do it the more you will be able to discern when people are not being honest with you. When they give your their answer and you are not satisfied, when you feel ‘something isn’t right’, then you know your intuition is right on.

It’s ok. When it’s their business they have every right to keep it private. That isn’t what this is about. This is about you and learning to trust your gut. By expressing what you are sensing you are actually expressing belief and confidence in your ability. That’s all it needs to grow.

When you can see through the veil someone has put up, its unnerving. So it’s understandable that people get nervous. Let ’em off the hook. Let ’em have their secrets because you now have the key to all of it – it doesn’t matter if they validate you. No one needs to validate what you sense in order for you to know it is true. You will feeeeeeeel it.

What next?

Start making decision with nothing but your intuition. Start with something inert, like trying a new restaurant. Then by picking out a book to read by just the title. Maybe take a drive without a destination and see where you end up. Intuition is a beautiful beautiful thing. It will take you places your brain could never dream.

Don’t second guess. Trust yourself. Trust that voice within you. Before you know it you will be making the bravest leaps with no logical reason and experience the most amazing outcomes!

 

The most important thing to remember…

If you ever wonder, “Is this my fear speaking, or my intuition?”

The answer is SO simple! Intuition moves you towards something. Fear moves you away from something. My intuition never feels like fear. It feels like “nah, I think this instead.” Fear on the other hand is all “I can’t. No way. Never. I shouldn’t.”

 

One more thing…

I love you. Always have. Always will.

~Jade

 

 

 

Integration

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What do you know about integration?

To integrate: “verb [with object] 1 combine (one thing) with another so that they become a whole: transportation planning should be integrated with energy policy. combine (two things) so that they become a whole: the problem of integrating the two approaches. [no object] (of a thing) combine with another to form a whole: the stone will blend with the environment and integrate into the landscape”

Wow. Doesn’t that sound important? How often have you integrated new information on personal and spiritual development? How often have you heard healers, mentors or advisors speak on it? I’ve never heard anyone mention it.

When we introduce something new to our bodies, environments or minds we need to allow and effort to integrate the new ways/thoughts/ideas with what remains.

My husband and I are in the process of adopting a new dog. We have two already but there are many years between them and we thought the younger one would appreciate a playmate. When you bring a new dog into a family, you have to integrate it. You don’t just toss it in and hope for the best. The dynamics change and a new order must be established. You can expect fights, bites, growls and howls. You can expect at one time or another someone is going to be ready to call it quits (this might be you). You can expect that it will take time to do all these things.

The key is to keep your expectations low and your alert status high. Keep a watchful eye and nip any aggression in the bud. Redirect and allow for time out as necessary. Eventually things will fall into their own rhythm and peace will reign in your new expanded family.

The same is true for Rolfing (any energy healing too). If you’ve read my previous stuff you know I’ve been rolfing to attempt to relieve some physical symptoms I experience. Between sessions seven and eight she allows for integration. A period of time where no new sessions are done so that the body can catch up with the work that has been done and come to a new normal. A better normal. Thus the body integrates the new ways of operating.

During this time you can experience detoxing, aching, flu-like symptoms, fatigue, irritability and general discomfort. It might even get worse before it gets better (healing crisis). In short, you can expect fights, bites, growls and howls. You might even feel like calling it quits. Once your body adjusts and settles into the new commands your connective tissue is giving your muscles though, peace will reign in your new expanded body.

Our minds are no exception. When we discover new paradigms of thoughts/beliefs and introduce them into our lives we must allow for integration. Some old outdated thoughts/beliefs will be exchanged out simultaneously without issue. Still others will be forced out as the new set in. Still others will sort of fall off, without much mention, after the new has been allowed to integrate.

During this time you can experience irritability, discomfort, fear, anxiety and restlessness. You can expect fight, bites, growls and howls. You might even feel like calling it quits and just go back to the old paradigm. But once you introduce new paradigms it is hard to go back. Once you settle into the new rhythm, peace will reign in your new expanded mind. Then your Spirit will be joyous because your experience of it will be expanded as well.

Integration is likely the most important step of all -especially in personal/spiritual development- yet it is often overlooked. We live in an instant gratification society that leaves no room for integration. Today it is seek-find-ingest-move on. Where is the integration? It’s a little like shopping-purchasing-chewing-spitting out. Where is the digestion?  What good is the food if you are not digesting it? None, that’s what.

Integration of personal and spiritual development information allows for movement, acceptance and expression of the new shift.

  • Movement – allowance for the new balance to be established by the introduction of the new and replacement/reduction of the old.
  • Acceptance – to allow the new to work in your life on purpose, not default.
  • Expression – to practice this new way whenever possible – not to just ‘think it’ and retain old bad habits associated with the old (aka walk the talk).
But How?

Sit with it.

When you are introducing a new spiritual paradigm of thought, meditate on it. Sit in silence with it. Notice where it resonates (or doesn’t) in your body. What thoughts come up around it? What feelings come up around it? What emotions come up around it? Do you feel smaller or larger consciously because of it? Does it expand you?

Stand with it.

Challenge other related thoughts and beliefs you hold against the resonance of the new. When you’ve sat with something and decided that it does indeed resonate with you then weigh it against related beliefs that you’ve long just grown accustomed to. You might find that they too have outgrown their usefulness and will be replaced or just merely drop away. How does the new fit in with the old? Look for consistency and congruence. Something that is true will be true in all scenarios (with some exceptions, perhaps), so play devil’s advocate with yourself. Challenge yourself to think bigger with this new paradigm. See what else it shakes loose.

Walk with it.

Take it out for a spin around the block. Start conversations with others about it. If you don’t have any friends who get into this sort of thing there are many people on the internet exploring just these subjects (hint hint). Reach out. Conversations about such things are free. While asking for free advice on specific personal issues is not appropriate, opening up exploratory conversations is generally welcomed by all. Share your process, your conclusions and your expectations of what this new paradigm could do for you. Entertain whatever questions or doubts they might share with you. This is your chance to see if what you’re integrating has merit.

Then wear it.

Don’t be ashamed of your new shift. Wear it proudly. While it may be tempting to ‘shout it from the rooftops’ that can be obnoxious. So shout if you must, but expect you’ll turn a lot of people off. If that helps you integrate, then by all means don’t let putting people off deter you. I however, prefer to just wear it into a room. What that means is that I let the Universe determine when the information needs to be shared. When a subject comes up that relates to my belief I share it. I do it in the best possible way for it to be heard. Sharing things in certain ways will guarantee rejection before that other person really even hears it. Wording things in a non-threatening manner allows for the maximum amount of people to hear it and expand with it.

That’s integration – in a nutshell.

Questions? Start a conversation with me at jadewillowsong@gmail.com or in my too quiet facebook group https://www.facebook.com/groups/willowsongfirekeepers/

And as always remember…

I love you.

~Jade

 

 

Feeling Victimized

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Looking back on my journey of awareness/consciousness/living resonantly, or whatever you want to call it, I find it interesting to note that when I have felt most victimized, I wasn’t being victimized at all and when I was actually being victimized I didn’t realize it!

When I believed in victimization, I felt victimized often when I was actually experiencing someone enforcing their own healthy boundaries. Thusly, when I was being exploited I had no idea. 

I felt I was being victimized even when I wasn’t, because I had a victim mentality. When emanating from a victim mentality only stories of victimization will be found. When asking for something and the answer is no, it feels personal. It hurts our feelings and we feel rejection. It feels personal. 

Its all an illusion though.

“No one can victimize you without your permission.” Have you heard that? I ask you this then…if you give your permission then how is it victimization?

*Let me insert here that I am not talking about being the victim of a violent crime.

Victimization is a mindset and as long as you live in it, you will continue to be victimized. How? Why? Simply by thinking so. The victim mindset has the negative origination that everything happens TO you. This leaves no room but for the perception that events are thrust upon us and therefore at life’s whim. We feel out of control and desperate. When things don’t go our way we can only understand that things are unfair and that we are being punished.

The simplest stumbling block can seem catastrophic. The most catastrophic event can make you feel broken. Everything is lose-lose, you see. When we operate from a negative orientation we see things only as comparisons. We can only be happy when things go as we plan, thus missing out on amazing gifts along the way.

On the other hand, when we release the victim mentality and embrace the hero’s mindset we experience life quite differently. We understand that while we may desire or even expect a certain outcome, we know we will receive it only if it is in our best interest. We recognize the healthy boundaries of others might require them to tell us no or do something we wish they hadn’t. Saying yes to oneself, sometimes means disappointing another. Disappointment is the responsibility of the owner.

When we become disappointed we gather important information. Disappointment tells us we are in the right neighborhood, wrong house. Sometimes what we want is correct, but we are off about how it is meant to arrive. Without disappointment we couldn’t know!!

And when our actions cause disappointment in another it is best to remember that we do not own the responsibility for it, but the duty to be understanding about it.

The hero’s mentality understands that in every situation lies an opportunity. An opportunity to define ourselves. It is not always pleasant. Iron is forged in fire, after all. We grow the most when we are challenged. Challenges don’t come with bouquets of flowers. They come in darkness to push you to find the Light. And they push hard.

They are not however, tests.

We don’t get tested. There is no pass or fail. There is only growth or no growth and you are free to choose either. You are not punished or rewarded for either. However, growth feels rewarding; lack of growth, feels punishing. The feeling of growing into your highest self is a high that cannot be replicated. The feeling of not growing into your highest self is called suffering.

Do not seek peace in a place without chaos. Instead seek peace inside you despite the chaos in any place.

Side note: the challenges don’t get easier as you grow. Nope. They will come fewer and further apart, however they will be whoppers. It’s tempting to slide back into ‘what did I do wrong?”

Think of it this way…

If you’ve become a spiritual badass, then the only things that will present any challenge to you at all, will have to be equally as badass. Don’t be tempted to fall into self-pity during these times. Our growth is not linear and we do not ascend to such a level that ‘bad things’ don’t happen to us. We merely do not see as many things as ‘bad’. We recover faster from these occasions as well. Where once something less impactful might have had us spiral into depression, now we might experience a deep sadness that we allow and move through.

With this I say goodnight and

I love you.

~Jade

 

Jade’s work is different and we think you will find it effective and economic. It combines Jade’s knowledge and skills cultivated over three decades of psychiatry, human services, hospice, geriatrics, crystal healing, QiGong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch with her natural Spirit given gifts of intuition and being an empath.

Check out our Healing Rite of Passage Me-Treat & Workshops for 2018 

Join us for more conversation in our Facebook group Willow Song Firekeepers

As of now Jade is limiting the one on one work she does. For availability please email an inquiry.

To schedule services please review options here and email Jade here to make arrangements.

 

 

 

The Inter-Dependent Relationship Model

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You’ve heard of independence, right? Dependence? And co-dependence?  But how often do you hear of interdependence? This is not surprising in a society that uses fear as a tactic to motivate us.

Imagine making a journey across the country, before the industrial age, in a horse drawn wagon traveling dirt roads.  You are driving your horse to pull your wagon full of precious cargo through undiscovered terrain to an uncertain destination.  Upon this journey you meet with another and decide to travel together.  But how do you proceed?

To travel independently, in your respective wagons side-by-side, each wagon retains autonomy in decision-making, planning and action.  Individually each wagon will experience a different journey because though they are next to each other they are not traveling the exact terrain.  One may hit more bumps, ruts or rocks. Another may get stuck in muddy ground.  Pieces of cargo may fall off a wagon unnoticed. With two wagons to maneuver side-by-side going through narrow passages proves impossible so one must take the lead.  Who goes first?  Keeping exact pace may also be difficult when one tires quicker than another, or one may have a quicker horse or lighter cargo.  Coming to a fork in the road they may each feel a different direction would be best.  If one does not acquiesce to the other, then time and energy will be wasted in arguing may which could lead to separation.  At one time or another one will feel disadvantaged while the other will feel impeded.

To travel dependently, the respective separate wagons are positioned one behind the other.  While each retains control of their reins, one wagon is in the lead and the driver of that wagon has the decision-making and planning authority, directing the action of the other.  Although they travel the exact same terrain they are not experiencing it together.  Pieces of cargo from the first wagon may fall off and be trampled underfoot of the following horses, while pieces of cargo from the second wagon may fall off unnoticed.  In time both will feel resentful; the lead driver being overly responsible and the following driver being under valued.

To travel interdependently, resources are combined in an organized collaborative measure.  The horses are joined under one rein, to one wagon where the precious cargo has been combined orderly and secured. Together the individual drivers discuss their vision for the journey and their destination.  They agree upon the division of roles and responsibilities each will execute. One person is the designated driver and is responsible for the direction the wagon will go based upon the mutually agreed upon destination.  The driver directs the horses and judges how best for them both to arrive safely and accomplish the mission they’ve outlined together. The other person is the designated shotgun and is responsible for keeping an eye open to dangers that may not be visible to the driver. The shotgun is also charged with managing the precious cargo, making sure items are secure and do not fall of the wagon unnoticed and left behind.  Whereas the driver is responsible for the maintenance of the wagon ensuring its continued function,   the shotgun is responsible for managing the precious cargo to ensure that they have enough resources for the journey. Though they play different roles, each is valued and honored for their contributions as they share equal responsibility for the journey.

Each of the above scenarios represents different models of relationships and could respectively be characterized like this:

  • Independent = “I need to take care of me. You need to take care of you.”

  • Codependent = One says, “You need to take care of me.” And the other agrees, “You need me to take care of you.”

  • Interdependent = Each says, “I want us to take care of us.”

The interdependent relationship dynamic offers a collaborative approach with collective responsibility, creating a vehicle for individual growth as well as growth as a couple. People in interdependent relationships do that which is best for both partners by making sincere, reliable agreements with each other based upon their individual wants and needs.  They agree upon and establish solid boundaries and limits within the relationship. Then they honor those agreements. Those agreements should be as unique to the couple as fingerprints to an individual.  However, in every relationship, no matter how different the agreements, each person holds themselves accountable for their part in the relationship and absolute loyalty to the relationship is expected.

Each one charged with giving themselves wholly to the success of the relationship over the success of the individual and developing an intense level of trust, integrity and respect.

The symbol for this model is the Chinese symbol, yin yang, that represents the interaction of two energies, “yin” (black) and “yang” (white), which cause everything to happen. They are not completely black or white, just as things in life are not completely black or white, and they cannot exist without each other.  The two energies are often referred to as male energy (yang) and female energy (yin).  In this symbol the two are recognized as indivisible as they swirl to compliment each other and each holds a part of the other. Each partner has a different skill set that is valued and cherished by the other.  They do not oppose each other or compete, they are complementary.

In the wagon metaphor above, the driver’s role would be seen as the yang (male) and the shotgun’s role would be seen as the yin (female).

In the fight for women to be treated as equals, male dominance has taken on a negative connotation, rightfully so. Yet women across the globe swoon for the likes of Rhett Butler and dream of being bent over in a possessive kiss like the one he planted on Scarlet. There is a natural inclination for women to want men to display dominance. But the character trait of dominance is not the same as being domineering.

Like the yin to the yang there has to be a balance of energy in the relationship. So the counterpart to the active yang male is the passive yin female. However, being passive is far from being subjugated and it is definitely not a meek role. It is a consent to ride shotgun in the partnership. It is understanding that she is an interrelated partner to him. She is the defense to his offense, working on the same team to achieve the same goal, just with different roles. It is this dynamic that Kings with their Queens and Lords with their Ladies employ.

A dominant male is not an oppressor of women, nor is he in any way domineering. On the contrary, a dominant male recognizes that females are the source of life providing a feeling of strength and consistency to his life. A dominant male honors the passive energy of the female. While to the untrained eye the dominant male role may seem more dictatorial and active and the passive female role as submissive and meek, this could not be further from the truth.

Likewise, a passive woman allows the male to provide for her, just as readily as she provides for him. She does not view herself as weak in receiving, merely because she is yin. Yin is as powerful as yang. It is not a power struggle, but an allocation of power. “Here’s the whole pie of power. Yang, you are responsible for this half and Yin, you are responsible for this half.” The collaboration of the yang and yin roles in the interdependent dynamic, perfectly fuses maintained individuality with selflessness to create a passion-fueled relationship.

The feminist movement, though well intended, actually sabotaged itself by inadvertently devaluing the woman’s supportive passive role. The insistence that “equal” means the “same,” (ie: men and women doing the “same” job to be considered equal) rather than “equal” meaning “of equal value,” (ie: men and women doing different jobs that are held at the same value). Our modern movements for gender equality are fought by opening up jobs, traditionally populated by men, to women instead of also assigning due respect and equal value to traditional women’s roles. This is because our society is built upon patriarchal hierarchy where something has to better than another thing and if that something is male it is automatically worth more. As it is, our societal system has no ability to measure value independently of comparison.

Just to prevent any misunderstanding, let me emphasize that I am not saying women shouldn’t take jobs traditionally populated by men. Not at all. The feminist movement rightly opened up the opportunity for women to have free choice in the matter. I am merely saying that those women who choose to work in traditionally female populated positions need to be valued equally.

Author’s note: There is nothing to say that a female cannot or should not be in the yang role (or both roles), however for fluidity I chose not to use the PC he/she. There only must be yin and yang energy for it to work. It matters not, which gender fills which role.

Don’t Be “The Bigger Person”

black-and-white-people-bar-men.jpgYou’ve had a conflict with another person. Things may have gotten out of control and both sides are hurt. You may think the other person is at fault or at least at greater fault. At one point someone suggests you apologize and you reject that notion. That person then says to you, “be the bigger person” and you reluctantly decide to make the first move towards resolution.

Chances are that resolution wasn’t as successful as you would’ve liked. In fact, it may have even made things worse and you might be wondering why.

When you label yourself ‘bigger’, you are -by default- labeling them ‘smaller’ and it immediately sets up an energetic power struggle. “Bigger” is a relative term, which means it has no meaning without reference to something “smaller”. Energetically this is communicated through any interaction then.

You continue the conflict (power struggle) by putting the other person down energetically and with your language. You can’t help it. If being the bigger person is your motivation then all action from that place will be tainted. Can you feel the difference between these two ‘apologies’?

I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt. I’m sorry you felt that way and that you took what I said wrong.

 

I’m sorry. I never intended for your feelings to get hurt and I apologize that what I said caused you pain.

Can you feel the difference in the energy?!

The first one is passive-aggressive and is pretty typical of someone who is coming from a bigger/smaller place.

While we are not responsible for how someone else feels, we are accountable for our actions and our actions impact others whether we intend for them to or not. I think it is important to understand the intent of our actions, realize there can be miscommunication even with the best of intentions and there need not be ‘fault’ assigned, when accepting accountability. Just clear transparent communication.

If you can’t come to a conflict resolution open hearted with no power struggle strings, then you are not ready for conflict resolution. Wait until you can come to the table with an open heart.

Unless/until you can come with an open heart, the resolution won’t have a solid foundation for a conflict free future and the only point to conflict resolution, is to build a conflict free future. This can’t be done if egos are running amok and the ego is surely running amok if the only way you can think about doing the ‘right’ thing is to consider yourself the bigger person.

Conflict resolution isn’t about getting one over on another. It isn’t about proving anything to anyone. Its about clearing energy from your heart center and improving the vibration between two (or maybe more) parties. Its only about ‘winning’ if both parties are winning. It isn’t about being a better person than the other, merely a better version of your self.

Here’s the thing…

Conflict resolution isn’t necessary unless you create conflict. There is actually a way to live your life in such a way to minimize or even eliminate conflict in a healthy way.

I can hear your disbelief. “Conflict is a part of life” you think, but it isn’t. Conflict, by definition is a “serious and protracted disagreement or argument”. Not seeing eye to on a topic isn’t an automatic conflict. It’s when people believe there is one ‘right’ perspective and endeavor to impose that on others, demanding agreement, that conflict ensues. Simple seeing things differently is not conflict, its perspective.

Now, here are four steps to live your life to minimize if not eliminate conflict healthfully.

  1. Let go of winning.
  2. Disagreements are not automatic conflicts.
  3. Conflict resolution does not equal confrontation.
  4. Shift from the negative to the positive.
Let go of winning

When you are aligned you realize there is no ‘right or wrong’. There is what resonates with you and what does not. You cannot speak for another on the subject of resonating. What resonates with you may resonate with another, but you can never know if it resonates in the same way because neither of you can know the experience of the other! All you can do is trust your inner self, when you are most connected to Spirit to determine what resonates with you. The goal is not to win but to expand!

Disagreements are not automatic conflicts

Speaking to one another with respect and understanding, focusing as much on understanding another as we do on being understood by another is primary to eliminating conflict from your life. Transparency means being authentic without the fear of reprisal or harm. Approaching a problem from two different perspectives is a wonderful way to find the best solution. When you eliminate the need to win from a disagreement, you are automatically opened up to explore the limitless possibilities of outcomes and conflict isn’t even a ‘thing’.

Conflict Resolution does not equal Confrontation

If you do end up in conflict and find yourself approaching conflict resolution, it is important to understand that conflict resolution does not equal confrontation. Confrontation is hostile, conflict resolution is not. It can be uncomfortable (remember what we said about uncomfortable in the intimidation article) but it not hostile. True Conflict resolution, by its very name, will focus on the resolution not the conflict. Whereas confrontation has the aggressiveness built in, defenses are up and an implied right/wrong dynamic exists.

 

Shift from negative to positive

I’ve saved the first for last. Yes, you read that right. The very first thing you need to do to eliminate conflict from your life is to shift from the negative to the positive. Why did I save it for last? Because if you remember nothing else from this post, I want you to remember this…it is the single most important and powerful thing you can do for the betterment of your life. I have many people confess to me that they wish to be more positive but find themselves stuck in the negative. That is understandable. You were taught to be negative, you weren’t born that way. So, you have to unlearn it in a matter of speaking and relearn to be positive. There is one simple two step trick to making the switch.

The first step is to be aware of your negativity. Pay attention to your thoughts and your words. When you find yourself focusing on the negative, even if it is simply how something didn’t live up to your expectations, notice it. Be aware that you are focusing on the ‘lack’ of something rather than the ‘gift’ of something.

Once you have gotten used to noticing your negativity, the second step is to double up on the positive. What does this mean? For every negative thing you think or say, you counter with two positives. Say you are out to dinner with friends and the waiter forgets the tea you ordered. You find yourself feeling irritated and make a snide remark to your dinner companions. You hear it. Now you find two positive things to say about the waiter. Yes, say them out loud, after all you complained out loud, didn’t you? Maybe the waiter brought you extra rolls or had a pleasant demeanor.

Making this change is conscious, which means it will take effort to 1) notice the negative and 2) double up the positive. However, the shift you will be making will cascade out to all parts of your life. You will be more conscious of how your mind works and whether or not your attention is on the negative of life or the positive (aka the lack or the gifts). Remember that life will bring you whatever you purchase with your attention. (It’s a little like Amazon.com that way!)

All right, this has been sitting in my drafts folder for too long now, so I’m going to hit publish and know that it is on it’s way to those who need to hear this message the most.

As always, remember…

I love you!

~Jade

Jade’s work is different and we think you will find it effective and economic. It combines Jade’s knowledge and skills cultivated over three decades of psychiatry, human services, hospice, geriatrics, crystal healing, QiGong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch with her natural Spirit given gifts of intuition and being an empath.

Check out our Healing Rite of Passage Me-Treat & Workshops for 2018 

Join us for more conversation in our Facebook group Willow Song Firekeepers

As of now Jade is limiting the one on one work she does. For availability please email an inquiry.

To schedule services please review options here and email Jade here to make arrangements.

 

 

 

 

What Is A Strong Person?

cropped-healing-from-the-insight-out-graphic.png
On my Facebook page I asked “When you think of a strong person, what comes to mind?” Inquiring into behaviors, actions, thoughts and philosophies. The answers were many an varied. Some I resonated with, some I did not. What I loved was the conversation we were having.
When I think of strong individuals I look to those who have experienced challenges and grown from them by becoming ‘better not bitter’. That’s the bottom line.
 
It is not someone who hides their truth and puts on a false smile. It is someone who feels the feels, cries the tears, then dries them and finds the takeaway.
 
It is someone who goes out of their way to do no harm, including doing no harm to his own self. Thus, it is NOT someone who cares more about others, than they do themselves, but instead, one who cares about others AS MUCH as they care about themselves.
 
It is someone who speaks truth, but in a kind way when it is most likely to be heard with an open heart.
 
It is someone who has suffered pain but keeps her heart open to those who show up and do the work.
 
It is also the someone who shows up and does the work.
 
It is someone who pushes through and assists others on the path, not run them over.
 
It is someone who has every reason and opportunity to be angry but chooses to love. It is someone who loves himself first and lets that love flow unto others.
 
It is someone who does not see things in ‘right or wrong’ or ‘fair’. It is someone who realizes everyone’s journey is different and has value.
 
It is someone who is not in competition to be better or worse than her sister/brother, but interested in being better than her self, yesterday.
 
I know a lot of strong women. I know a lot of strong men. I know a lot of individuals who think they are strong and are not (not for the reasons they think that is). I know a lot of individuals who think they are not strong but really are.
 
Your default setting is set on strong. You are strength incarnated because you are unconditional love and what could be stronger than that??!! There is nothing stronger than that!!! We can be convinced by societal conditioning that we are not strong because of thus and so. Its a lie. A misnomer. Misinformation. Hogwash.
 
Find your strength and choose better not bitter.
I love you!
~Jade

Jade’s work is different and we think you will find it effective and economic. It combines Jade’s knowledge and skills cultivated over three decades of psychiatry, human services, hospice, geriatrics, crystal healing, QiGong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch with her natural Spirit given gifts of intuition and being an empath.

Check out our Healing Rite of Passage Me-Treat & Workshops for 2018 

Join us for more conversation in our Facebook group Willow Song Firekeepers

As of now Jade is limiting the one on one work she does. For availability please email an inquiry.

To schedule services please review options here and email Jade here to make arrangements.

When I Want To Give Up

It’s supposed to be Spring here in South East Michigan. On my walk outside this morning I applauded my flowers who never give up even when they must push through the latest layer of snow.

IMG-0281

This vision really resonated with my Spirit today.

So many times in life it is hard to keep pushing on when circumstances don’t seem favorable for us. Its hard to know when we are meant to keep pushing on and when we are meant to give up.

If you know anything about me by this time, you know that I look to nature for examples of how things are meant to work in our lives. So, when I see tiny green foliage pushing through the dark soil to find the sun, I find inspiration. Even more so when the situation is even more adverse, like snow in the middle of April.

My plants inspired me so much this morning.

Despite the cold temperature and the ice storm yesterday they aren’t even drooping their little heads. They have no idea of what is going to happen in the future. They just believe that it’s their time to come out of the darkness into their own. They don’t doubt it, even with evidence seemingly to the contrary. They trust in their mission. They trust in their journey. They trust.

There are times in my life when the evidence in support of my plans, just doesn’t seem to be present and I second guess my decisions. It isn’t easy, is it? To keep pushing on our path, no matter what?

Sometimes I want to give up.

At times I’ve struggled on my path, wondering if I am truly meant to serve in the capacity that I intend, because things have not happened the way I wanted them to…when I wanted them to.

Pffft, Gurl Please.

If the flowers can plan to bloom on time despite adverse conditions, then so can I. Its not for me to let a little frozen water throw me off my game.

We need to continue to stay true to our inner guidance system despite the evidence that does or does not show up. Despite having second thoughts or hesitations I always come back to what I know. That lesson wasn’t an easy one though.

Plenty of times in my life, before I learned that the Universe is always conspiring on our behalf, I allowed those second guesses to cause me to say ‘no’ to something my inner guidance favored. Those decisions ended up being great lessons in why I need to always listen to my inner guidance system! I don’t like to call things ‘mistakes’, but they are certainly circumstances I don’t want to repeat. I endeavor to never learn a lesson twice!!

The other lesson there is that we never truly miss out on what is meant for us.

If something is in your destiny the Universe is going to make sure to keep it in your face. If you keep saying ‘no’ to it, the Universe will make it more and more uncomfortable to say ‘no’, until eventually you surrender and say ‘yes’!

Isn’t that so beautiful? Isn’t that so comforting to know? We truly can’t get this thing wrong if we listen to our inner Selves. Which means we can’t allow a little thing like ‘frozen water’ slow us down or make us second guess our path.

Life doesn’t come with instructions, nor does it come with guarantees. What it does come with is a guidance system. It’s on us if we choose to ignore it.

So, stay on your path. Let your heart lead the way, never give up and be the hero of your story.

I love you.

~Jade

P.S. 35 minutes after I posted this, I saw 4:44 for the second time today, so I real quick looked that right up! Here’s the link, so you can see for yourself my message from Spirit!

Jade’s work is different and we think you will find it effective and economic. It combines Jade’s knowledge and skills cultivated over three decades of psychiatry, human services, hospice, geriatrics, crystal healing, QiGong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch with her natural Spirit given gifts of intuition and being an empath.

Check out our Healing Rite of Passage Me-Treat & Workshops for 2018 

Join us for more conversation in our Facebook group Willow Song Firekeepers

As of now Jade is limiting the one on one work she does. For availability please email an inquiry.

To schedule services please review options here and email Jade here to make arrangements.

 

Judgement(al)

 

Feeling judged is no joke. It can unnerve even the steadiest of beings. The question we have to ask ourselves is ‘why is this bothering me?’

The experience of being judged is common, but feeling judged is something altogether different. Being judged happens to everyone, probably almost every day and that is out of our control. However, feeling judged is on us. It is us, in our heads, functioning as our own worst enemy.

Judgement is an energetic fight for power. Like any fight it takes two. Unlike a physical fight where we want to defend our physical vehicle, the only way someone can take our power is if we perceive them as taking it.

When being judged there are two responses: ‘I don’t care’ or ‘Let me correct this’. As soon as you feel compelled to ‘correct’ the situation you have ‘lost’ because you are engaging in the power struggle. No one wins in a power struggle because the premise is that power is a finite resource, which it is not. We have unlimited power, each of us, so for us to fight over it suggests that we believe there isn’t enough for everyone.

When we feel someone is judging us and our reaction is to be defensive, there is a part of us that believes that judgement and feels shame over it. We are also saying that what someone else thinks of us is relevant to our self-image and thus we feel the need to defend it.

I recently had an encounter like this and I took the opportunity to really examine what was happening to me.

It really happened without my noticing at first. I suddenly realized my energy was in the ‘need to be understood’ space, rather than the ‘need to understand’ space I normally occupy. I felt misunderstood and quickly began to defend myself and endeavor to clear up what I thought was a miscommunication. In and of itself, that is not unhealthy, however when my efforts to clear up the miscommunication were ineffective my frustration was beginning to rise and I felt a bit unsettled.

I had to check myself.

While people can affect how we feel, it is ultimately up to us the effect it has. Especially when this is not someone in my inner circle. Of course someone in our inner circle would have much more of an affect on us than some random person outside that circle.

So, when I realized I was feeling smaller and misunderstood I energetically pulled myself out of the engagement. I allowed him to take up as much space as he needed and stopped allowing my space to depend on him. I didn’t need his approval or his understanding.

I realized that I had developed an image – a fantasy image – of this person. I had created a character profile on him, for which I really had no basis. I assumed a lot of things about this person which had me not expecting judgment. In fact, very much the opposite.

When we do this, its important to identify it quickly and come out of that headspace. We need to release the expectations we created and accept the person as they present sitting in front of us with no judgement of our own in return. Doing this immediately releases us from the power struggle and the impulse to defend our position evaporates.

The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth until I was able to dissect and autopsy the encounter to fully digest it. Once I understood how I ended up in that situation it was easy to extricate myself from it. It didn’t stay with me.

Which led to me another insight.

The only protection we need is from ourselves.

A lot of metaphysical practitioners teach the need to put up shields to protect oneself from energetic attack and harm. The truth is that harm originates within, no matter the intention of another. We can feel the ill intentions of another. We can understand the ill intentions of another. But then we can let them go. It is when we hold them in our energetic field that they cause harm.

Think of your energetic field like your home.

If someone comes to your door, you choose whether or not to let them in the door. If you let them in the door and they drop garbage wherever they go, then you choose to clean up the trash or to let the garbage stay where it fell. When you let it stay on the floor and you revisit the unpleasant feeling you are choosing to give it life. If you pick it up and put it in the trash bin, then your home is clean and there is no unpleasantness. The next time they come to your door, you can choose then to not allow them back in since they do not treat you in a healthy manner.

If you have an encounter with someone that leaves you feeling uncomfortable it is up to you to learn from it and move on. It is up to you how it affects you. No one’s negative energy can harm you, even if it makes you feel physically uncomfortable. What you are feeling is the dis-resonance; the contrast between what you are receiving and the frequency you are resonating at. If you allow yourself to focus on that lower frequency then you ask it to take up residence in your energetic field and that is how illness and disease is formed.

This is what happens when we believe that the approval of others matters.

We are allowing those judgements to sit and fester in our energetic field. The judgements of others never resonate at our own frequencies and those contrasts cause disharmony. That is not to say that feedback from others isn’t valuable, because it is. Very. Valuable. The perspectives of others can open our eyes to things that will expand us, but they can also give us the opportunity to discern that where we are is right where need to be now.

And that is where judgement differs from judgmental. Good judgement allows us to make the right choices for ourself. Being judgmental is assessing another’s choice.

I love you.

~Jade

Jade’s work is different and we think you will find it effective and economic. It combines Jade’s knowledge and skills cultivated over three decades of psychiatry, human services, hospice, geriatrics, crystal healing, QiGong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch with her natural Spirit given gifts of intuition and being an empath.

Check out our Healing Rite of Passage Me-Treat & Workshops for 2018 

As of now Jade is limiting the one on one work she does. For availability please email an inquiry.

To schedule services please review options here and email Jade here to make arrangements.