Don’t Be “The Bigger Person”

black-and-white-people-bar-men.jpgYou’ve had a conflict with another person. Things may have gotten out of control and both sides are hurt. You may think the other person is at fault or at least at greater fault. At one point someone suggests you apologize and you reject that notion. That person then says to you, “be the bigger person” and you reluctantly decide to make the first move towards resolution.

Chances are that resolution wasn’t as successful as you would’ve liked. In fact, it may have even made things worse and you might be wondering why.

When you label yourself ‘bigger’, you are -by default- labeling them ‘smaller’ and it immediately sets up an energetic power struggle. “Bigger” is a relative term, which means it has no meaning without reference to something “smaller”. Energetically this is communicated through any interaction then.

You continue the conflict (power struggle) by putting the other person down energetically and with your language. You can’t help it. If being the bigger person is your motivation then all action from that place will be tainted. Can you feel the difference between these two ‘apologies’?

I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt. I’m sorry you felt that way and that you took what I said wrong.

 

I’m sorry. I never intended for your feelings to get hurt and I apologize that what I said caused you pain.

Can you feel the difference in the energy?!

The first one is passive-aggressive and is pretty typical of someone who is coming from a bigger/smaller place.

While we are not responsible for how someone else feels, we are accountable for our actions and our actions impact others whether we intend for them to or not. I think it is important to understand the intent of our actions, realize there can be miscommunication even with the best of intentions and there need not be ‘fault’ assigned, when accepting accountability. Just clear transparent communication.

If you can’t come to a conflict resolution open hearted with no power struggle strings, then you are not ready for conflict resolution. Wait until you can come to the table with an open heart.

Unless/until you can come with an open heart, the resolution won’t have a solid foundation for a conflict free future and the only point to conflict resolution, is to build a conflict free future. This can’t be done if egos are running amok and the ego is surely running amok if the only way you can think about doing the ‘right’ thing is to consider yourself the bigger person.

Conflict resolution isn’t about getting one over on another. It isn’t about proving anything to anyone. Its about clearing energy from your heart center and improving the vibration between two (or maybe more) parties. Its only about ‘winning’ if both parties are winning. It isn’t about being a better person than the other, merely a better version of your self.

Here’s the thing…

Conflict resolution isn’t necessary unless you create conflict. There is actually a way to live your life in such a way to minimize or even eliminate conflict in a healthy way.

I can hear your disbelief. “Conflict is a part of life” you think, but it isn’t. Conflict, by definition is a “serious and protracted disagreement or argument”. Not seeing eye to on a topic isn’t an automatic conflict. It’s when people believe there is one ‘right’ perspective and endeavor to impose that on others, demanding agreement, that conflict ensues. Simple seeing things differently is not conflict, its perspective.

Now, here are four steps to live your life to minimize if not eliminate conflict healthfully.

  1. Let go of winning.
  2. Disagreements are not automatic conflicts.
  3. Conflict resolution does not equal confrontation.
  4. Shift from the negative to the positive.
Let go of winning

When you are aligned you realize there is no ‘right or wrong’. There is what resonates with you and what does not. You cannot speak for another on the subject of resonating. What resonates with you may resonate with another, but you can never know if it resonates in the same way because neither of you can know the experience of the other! All you can do is trust your inner self, when you are most connected to Spirit to determine what resonates with you. The goal is not to win but to expand!

Disagreements are not automatic conflicts

Speaking to one another with respect and understanding, focusing as much on understanding another as we do on being understood by another is primary to eliminating conflict from your life. Transparency means being authentic without the fear of reprisal or harm. Approaching a problem from two different perspectives is a wonderful way to find the best solution. When you eliminate the need to win from a disagreement, you are automatically opened up to explore the limitless possibilities of outcomes and conflict isn’t even a ‘thing’.

Conflict Resolution does not equal Confrontation

If you do end up in conflict and find yourself approaching conflict resolution, it is important to understand that conflict resolution does not equal confrontation. Confrontation is hostile, conflict resolution is not. It can be uncomfortable (remember what we said about uncomfortable in the intimidation article) but it not hostile. True Conflict resolution, by its very name, will focus on the resolution not the conflict. Whereas confrontation has the aggressiveness built in, defenses are up and an implied right/wrong dynamic exists.

 

Shift from negative to positive

I’ve saved the first for last. Yes, you read that right. The very first thing you need to do to eliminate conflict from your life is to shift from the negative to the positive. Why did I save it for last? Because if you remember nothing else from this post, I want you to remember this…it is the single most important and powerful thing you can do for the betterment of your life. I have many people confess to me that they wish to be more positive but find themselves stuck in the negative. That is understandable. You were taught to be negative, you weren’t born that way. So, you have to unlearn it in a matter of speaking and relearn to be positive. There is one simple two step trick to making the switch.

The first step is to be aware of your negativity. Pay attention to your thoughts and your words. When you find yourself focusing on the negative, even if it is simply how something didn’t live up to your expectations, notice it. Be aware that you are focusing on the ‘lack’ of something rather than the ‘gift’ of something.

Once you have gotten used to noticing your negativity, the second step is to double up on the positive. What does this mean? For every negative thing you think or say, you counter with two positives. Say you are out to dinner with friends and the waiter forgets the tea you ordered. You find yourself feeling irritated and make a snide remark to your dinner companions. You hear it. Now you find two positive things to say about the waiter. Yes, say them out loud, after all you complained out loud, didn’t you? Maybe the waiter brought you extra rolls or had a pleasant demeanor.

Making this change is conscious, which means it will take effort to 1) notice the negative and 2) double up the positive. However, the shift you will be making will cascade out to all parts of your life. You will be more conscious of how your mind works and whether or not your attention is on the negative of life or the positive (aka the lack or the gifts). Remember that life will bring you whatever you purchase with your attention. (It’s a little like Amazon.com that way!)

All right, this has been sitting in my drafts folder for too long now, so I’m going to hit publish and know that it is on it’s way to those who need to hear this message the most.

As always, remember…

I love you!

~Jade

Jade’s work is different and we think you will find it effective and economic. It combines Jade’s knowledge and skills cultivated over three decades of psychiatry, human services, hospice, geriatrics, crystal healing, QiGong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch with her natural Spirit given gifts of intuition and being an empath.

Check out our Healing Rite of Passage Me-Treat & Workshops for 2018 

Join us for more conversation in our Facebook group Willow Song Firekeepers

As of now Jade is limiting the one on one work she does. For availability please email an inquiry.

To schedule services please review options here and email Jade here to make arrangements.

 

 

 

 

What Is A Strong Person?

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On my Facebook page I asked “When you think of a strong person, what comes to mind?” Inquiring into behaviors, actions, thoughts and philosophies. The answers were many an varied. Some I resonated with, some I did not. What I loved was the conversation we were having.
When I think of strong individuals I look to those who have experienced challenges and grown from them by becoming ‘better not bitter’. That’s the bottom line.
 
It is not someone who hides their truth and puts on a false smile. It is someone who feels the feels, cries the tears, then dries them and finds the takeaway.
 
It is someone who goes out of their way to do no harm, including doing no harm to his own self. Thus, it is NOT someone who cares more about others, than they do themselves, but instead, one who cares about others AS MUCH as they care about themselves.
 
It is someone who speaks truth, but in a kind way when it is most likely to be heard with an open heart.
 
It is someone who has suffered pain but keeps her heart open to those who show up and do the work.
 
It is also the someone who shows up and does the work.
 
It is someone who pushes through and assists others on the path, not run them over.
 
It is someone who has every reason and opportunity to be angry but chooses to love. It is someone who loves himself first and lets that love flow unto others.
 
It is someone who does not see things in ‘right or wrong’ or ‘fair’. It is someone who realizes everyone’s journey is different and has value.
 
It is someone who is not in competition to be better or worse than her sister/brother, but interested in being better than her self, yesterday.
 
I know a lot of strong women. I know a lot of strong men. I know a lot of individuals who think they are strong and are not (not for the reasons they think that is). I know a lot of individuals who think they are not strong but really are.
 
Your default setting is set on strong. You are strength incarnated because you are unconditional love and what could be stronger than that??!! There is nothing stronger than that!!! We can be convinced by societal conditioning that we are not strong because of thus and so. Its a lie. A misnomer. Misinformation. Hogwash.
 
Find your strength and choose better not bitter.
I love you!
~Jade

Jade’s work is different and we think you will find it effective and economic. It combines Jade’s knowledge and skills cultivated over three decades of psychiatry, human services, hospice, geriatrics, crystal healing, QiGong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch with her natural Spirit given gifts of intuition and being an empath.

Check out our Healing Rite of Passage Me-Treat & Workshops for 2018 

Join us for more conversation in our Facebook group Willow Song Firekeepers

As of now Jade is limiting the one on one work she does. For availability please email an inquiry.

To schedule services please review options here and email Jade here to make arrangements.

Unconditional Love – What is it Really?

This is a common misperception…that unconditional love and boundaries/standards are mutually exclusive!!

Unconditional love means you love someone the way they are. This does NOT mean you have to be in relationship with them.

Its kind of like loving dairy but not eating it because it causes you ill effects. You can love it but not consume it.

Having boundaries and standards of the way you wish to be treated in a particular relationship is a structure you design and you love people unconditionally within that structure. For instance, you might love your husband and your child unconditionally but because they are different relationship structures you love very differently, right?

Same thing with other relatives. Each relationship has its own structure, but the basis (if you love yourself) will be one of respect, integrity and honesty.

You don’t need to, in fact, you should never, accept just any old treatment from someone and call that loving them! That is not love, that is codependence.

 You can love someone unconditionally but if they cannot maintain a healthy dynamic with you, you can choose not to be in relationship with them.

Does that make sense?

I love you!
~Jade

FOMO

While the acronym FOMO is fairly recent, the issue of ‘missing out’ has been a factor in life for decades. In 1913 a comic strip originated called, “Keeping Up With The Joneses”. The idea of someone else having more than you and feeling insecure about it existed long before that though.

So with the growth of capitalism, came the growth of materialism and what better way to grow materialism than to nurture the fear of missing out? What better basis for the advertising industry than to breed need?

As a personal development expert, I can tell you – without a doubt – there is no missing out when you live in alignment.

What does living in alignment mean? It is when you are in tune with your Soul and the vibration of your thoughts, deeds and beliefs are ever increasing. When you live like this, there is nothing you can miss out on because you are actively attracting all sorts of  things at that same vibrational level. So, you innately understand that anything is available to you, thus you don’t worry about an opportunity passing you by. That just isn’t a thing.

As soon as I identify the subtle FOMO messages in any advertising (and I tell you I see it everywhere, including -but not limited to- other personal development experts) I am instantly turned off of learning/buying from them. If you need to use fear to sell your product then it indicates fear within you and I’m not trying to have that in my life. I want to learn/buy from those who are aligned and understand how fear keeps our vibration from rising to its fullest potential.

Fear simply breeds more fear. Selling via fear, taints the product/service with fear. It cannot be that you sell something by way of fear, without the stench of fear permeating the purchase. I also feel that someone who wants to sell you security and especially personal development would not exploit your fear to manipulate you. These are incongruent and mutually exclusive and any ‘security’ you may feel as a result is merely an illusion.

Does that make sense to anyone else but me?

FOMO shows up in lines like “limited space available”, “only ten slots left”, “hurry before its gone” and “this won’t last long”. However it can be even more insidious, showing up in languaging that suggests ‘this product/service will make me complete/perfect’. If you are being made to feel you are not enough just as you are, then there is ‘fear’ driving that bus. Exploiting someone’s fear is the anti-thesis of what personal developers need to be doing. I don’t understand it.

We are beautiful and perfectly imperfect just the way we are; sometimes, though we ourselves feel an inner drive moving us forward to expansion. This drive does not come from outside our Self, it is of our Self. That feeling is something to pursue with a collaborator who speaks to that very part of our Self.

I am not looking to work with clients, nor do I wish to hire a coach for myself. What I am looking for (on either side of the desk) are people who can collaborate with me. There is no fear in collaboration! There is an energy of ‘you and I both have power and together we are going to do great things!’ What a wonderful way to start a journey together, right?!!? Don’t you think we can get greater results starting off from a place of power than a place of fear?

I certainly do.

Anyway, these are my thoughts on FOMO that have been rattling around for a long time now and couldn’t be contained a minute longer! Thanks for listening!

I love you!

~Jade

To find out all the ways you can collaborate with Jade, take a peek at the Service page. Check her out on youtube here and if you are inclined towards development type of conversations we’d love to hear your voice in our Facebook group Willow Song Fire Keepers

 

 

I Love You

My understanding of these three little words have transformed proportionately to my own evolution.

As a child I had the most open concept of love. I loved everything around me. Every person. Every animal. Every tree. Every plant. Every space. Every rock. Every stuffed animal. Every fairy.

I even loved myself…until my mother told me ‘vanity was a sin.’

My mother, with good intentions, taught me fear. She taught me that to love so openly would only bring heartbreak when those I loved, loved me not. Or that those I loved would use that love to manipulate and diminish me (I’m sure she didn’t realize that is exactly what she was doing).

She learned this fear from my Grandmother, who taught it to me too, when she taught me about ‘rape’ after I shared with her that I’d had my first kiss. And my mother reinforced that when she cautioned me on ‘all things male’ well into my twenties.

In my youth and young adulthood I sought love everywhere, in search of that childhood feeling of freedom, not realizing I had cut myself off from it. I believed love was selective. That in order to be loved you needed to be perfect and that in order to love you needed to find perfection.

I remember the first time I heard someone say “I love you” in a non-intimate circumstance. I don’t remember what it was exactly, some motivational/inspirational setting, and all I could think was “What a crock. You can’t love me, you don’t know me – you don’t know all the unlovable things I’ve done, been and said”.

I distrusted “I love you”.

In many ways I felt I needed to prove my love to others and thus needed others to prove their love to me. I started every relationship from a point of ‘no love’ with the understanding that if one did enough, well enough, then it would move to ‘love’.

This is not how we are meant to live. What this did was make me vulnerable (correct use of the word) to all the horrible things my mother and grandmother cautioned me about. In fact, it served to make me vulnerable to date rape, molestation, sexual harassment, bullying, intimidation, self-sabotage, poverty and prime to suffer at the hands of multiple narcissists.

I was searching for something I didn’t even believe could be mine. This became the foundation for self-sabotage in my life.

Then along came Emma. Giving birth to my daughter opened my heart and gave me a glimpse of the unconditional love I had in my childhood. It felt familiar, heavenly and ‘right’. There was no struggle. There was no “let me get to know you before I decide if I love you.”

I began to realize that we are meant to come from a place to love, right off the bat. 

The healing started with the love for my child, but it was my love for myself that was needed. I had to get back to that place and overcome the counterproductive programming that had me believe that we needed to earn love and that loving oneself was vanity.

As I began to accept myself for every imagined flaw, I began to see beauty in them. Just like the crystals I collected, with their inclusions – each ‘flaw’ a beauty mark. What made me different did not make me weird, ‘less than’ or a disgrace, it made me amazing, unique and priceless. It made me stand out as I was meant to, rather than blend in which is what I had tried to do – and failed miserably.

I ‘failed’ because I wasn’t being authentic. I was always using my energy to be something I wasn’t, in order to gain love and acceptance. There was so much incongruence between who I was being vs who I was born to be that it created a breeding ground for illness (recurring acute illnesses) and disease/disorder (cancer) to set in.

As I loved myself more, I awakened to all the people I loved that I hadn’t credited. Specifically my friends, and I started telling them “I love you”. At first it was uncomfortable – not for me, but for them. I scared a few people away with it, because they were operating with the same limited definitions I had been. Explaining what you mean to people isn’t easy, either. Especially when they are of the opposite sex. A woman only tells a man she loves him if she wants to marry him. NOT! Thus I was labeled ‘clingy’ by a few.

So, here I was telling these people I loved, that I loved them and stirring up all sorts of stuff for them, all the while experiencing more and more love! It was wonderful! The more I loved others, the more love I found for myself as well.

The truth is until and unless we accept and love ourselves, we will always find the love and acceptance of others suspect.

Meaning we will discount it as often as we can. As well, we will always give out our own love and acceptance sparingly, even when we think we are being nonjudgemental and unconditional.

Not so long ago I became overwhelmed with the realization of the love I have for my fellow humankind: people over the internet, people I witness briefly in passing and even people whose struggles have merely been relayed to me.

Spontaneously, my posts began to end themselves with “I love you”. I never even questioned it.

*in a whisper* Ok, that’s a lie. My lower self totally questioned if others would think it disingenuous – only for like a second, though.

I never thought to change it. And then the next one ended that same way. Then it became clear that I’d reached a new relationship with ‘I love you’. The one I’d had all those many years ago as a child.

Whether this is the highest evolution of “I love you” or not, it is my highest evolution to date and it boils down to this…

I love you because I love me and I see me, in you.

 

I love you, truly.

~Jade

 

Jade’s work is different and we think you will find it effective and economic. It combines Jade’s knowledge and skills cultivated over three decades of psychiatry, human services, hospice, geriatrics, crystal healing, QiGong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch with her natural Spirit given gifts of intuition and being an empath.

Check out our Healing Rite of Passage Me-Treat & Workshops for 2018 

As of now Jade is limiting the one on one work she does. For availability please email an inquiry.

To schedule services please review options here and email Jade here to make arrangements.

 

 

 

 

On Being Harsh…

As an author, a writer, a healer, a guide I believe that clear communication is mandatory. How that is delivered, I suppose, is a matter of style.

Recently, and not for the first time, I have been accused of being ‘harsh’.

Growing up in a family that mixed its messages like swirled soft serve on a cone, though not as palatable, I developed anxiety around communicating in experiencing the difference between what I heard and what I was meant to understand. I eventually learned the secret code to interpret every message, and installed in myself this a filter I ran all communication through. While it served me in my home, that same filter, applied elsewhere did not work. It seemed those out in the world had their own code, each a different code, and my filter did not work anywhere outside my family of origin. It seemed the same words or actions had different meaning than my training prepared me.

This was cause for much self-inflicted suffering on my part.

Interpreting and reinterpreting hidden meanings took its toll and I suspect was cause to complicate my introverted nature with full-fledged shyness. This made my life more, not less, distressing as I avoided conflict at all costs and that cost ended up being my happiness.

Learning clear communication was my first step in establishing boundaries. Clear messages enabled me to gather the ground beneath my feet, upon which I could build a foundation for the rest of my life.

But clear communication is more than just the message you are sending.

You are also responsible for making sure the message you are receiving is clear. Too often, we assume we understand what someone means when they say something, beyond the actual words. We can interject meanings based on tone, languaging and body posture that may or may not be accurate. Unless we specifically clarify the message we are inferring, we chance being inaccurate.

For instance, the other day I stated to my friend that “in my experience (these efforts haven’t garnered the result I desired).”  She heard that to mean I was suggesting she not try said efforts. That was neither my intention nor my words, but her installed filter led her to that conclusion…which in and of itself is not harmful, unless you don’t clarify it. Had she just clarified by asking, “so I shouldn’t even try?” I would’ve responded with a more clear message, such as ‘Trying is up to you, however, I recommend that you form no attachment to the outcome and give it only the energy you feel is right for you.”

By the same token, it would’ve benefitted me to clarify as to what she was seeking from me, by sharing her story.

Was she looking for support? Information? Validation? Or just a listening ear with no feedback? I presume that when people use our time together to discuss situations or feelings, they are of import and I treat them as such…often thinking this means they desire my input.

I endeavor not to therapize my friends though, so the rules are a bit different than when I work with clients.  If you are a client, then you’ve consented to my input by hiring me. If my message isn’t clear with you as a client then I am wasting your money. I do not sugar coat things as I see it as disrespectful and a waste of your time. If you are coming to me, then no matter the issue, what you have been doing hasn’t been working and I’m going to need to call that out clearly to help you break out of that rut.

I make a distinction between being harsh and being direct.

‘Harsh’ to me, lacks empathy or sympathy. ‘Direct’ to me, is clear and succinct, taking the guess work out of it. You might not want to hear what I have to say, but it comes from my heart. I see “direct” as coming from the heart. Harsh, I see as coming more from ego.

It isn’t a popularity contest…not for me, anyway. I’m not about to waste anyone’s time, just simply telling them what they want to hear. But I don’t go out of my way to be heartless and harsh about it either.

There is no easy way to clearly communicate messages that no one really wants to hear.

As always,

I love you.

~Jade

 

Jade’s work is different and we think you will find it effective and economic. It combines Jade’s knowledge and skills cultivated over three decades of psychiatry, human services, hospice, geriatrics, crystal healing, QiGong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch with her natural Spirit given gifts of intuition and being an empath.

Check out our Healing Rite of Passage Me-Treat & Workshops for 2018 

To schedule services please review options here and email Jade here to make arrangements.