Why Throw A Living Memorial?

My husband turned 70 this week and the pre-Corona plan was to throw him an Honor Dinner (or Living Memorial) to celebrate his life. Now you might be asking what is the difference between an Honor Dinner and a birthday party. Quite simply it is the sentiment expressed.

Let’s think about a regular memorial for a minute. A loved one has died, the family is grieving, there are pictures of the loved one set out. At some point there is conversation beyond awkward condolences and people start to reminisce. People share stories of the first time they met the loved one, and they share what this person added to their life.

For me, during a loss, this last part has always been my favorite. My favorite because it is here my healing begins. The knowledge that my loved one was loved by others is reassuring, consoling and comforting. I often find myself wondering though, “did she know they felt this way about her?”

I come from an English, German, Irish and Croatian cultural background. Take a look at those again. Not a single solitary culture that is known for expressing emotion! Stoic x4. On top of that our people tend to die suddenly in car accidents or from sudden illness. We aren’t prone to long term illnesses. While that is a good thing, the drawback is there is no anticipatory grief period, no forewarning that death is around the corner. Which means there is little time to prepare and say goodbye. So many loving thoughts remain unsaid until after death. Although that is very healing for the grieving loved ones to hear, the true power of those loving words lay in sharing them with people while they are alive.

Because of my history with these sudden losses, I am one to not leave things unsaid. My friends and family are accustomed to it, but for new friends it takes some getting used to. It is for this reason that I love Living Memorials. Not just for those who know death is around the corner, but for anyone! It’s not something you do at every birthday, but it is good for those big numbers.

Due to CoVid we had to do my husband’s Living Memorial online. I created a Facebook group and instructed people to create a video expressing their sentiments, toast him, roast him or share memories/stories. The point was to express more than simple birthday wishes. I wanted this man to know exactly what he contributed to the lives of others. I wanted him to see the expression on their faces and hear the inflection of their voice; not just read words on a screen. Having it in a group rather than on his page would enable him to use it like a memory book he could refer back to frequently.

While not everyone was comfortable being extremely sentimental, we had quite a few contributors. The look on his face as he watched each video and read each post was priceless. There are no words to accurately describe it. If I had to, I would say it was a mixture of appreciation, love and pride. He was truly touched that anyone would take the time to do this.

In retrospect I think a slightly modified structure would have rendered a result closer to what I intended. I think asking people to share their favorite character trait of my husband, along with their birthday greetings would’ve been less intimidating for guests. I also think that had we been able to do it in our initial format – an honor dinner – with similar instruction, it would’ve been easier for people to really share some more sentiment.

My husband is filled with joy for the experience and that was truly my goal. I highly recommend this for anyone wanting to provide a meaningful celebration for a loved one’s birthday.

In the end it doesn’t matter if it is called a Birthday Party, a Living Memorial, an Honor Dinner or a Hoe Down. If it is making memories, sharing emotion and making people feel loved then it is part of the living well path and that path leads to dying well.

Peace Be With You,

Jade

Pandemic Traumatic Grief

To a certain degree there is trauma in every loss, whether it is the unexpectedness of it, the suffering of it, the impact of it, the violence of it or the massiveness of it. Every loss has an element of trauma to it.

It is the magnitude of the event that makes it traumatic.

As a three year old, I woke in the middle of the night due to a loud noise and ran into my parent’s room for solace. Instead, I found my father lying tangled in the bedsheets on the floor. I didn’t understand what I was seeing. To me he was sleeping on the floor, so I tried my three year old best to wake him up. Shaking him and calling his name and telling him to wake up. When that didn’t work, I ran into my grandmother’s room, woke her up and told her ‘something’s wrong with Daddy’.

Traumatic grief.

What made it worst is that no one ever talked with me about it. I didn’t speak for three days and did not say the words ‘good bye’ again, that I remember. I suppose their thought was that I was three and was too young to remember. Yet, at fifty-five I still remember it as clearly today as I did that night.

Traumatic grief.

The common experience of devastating natural disasters such as hurricanes, tornados, earth quakes and tsunamis is that what was absolutely known one moment is absolutely gone in the next. The landscape of our lives, our homes and our city skylines are completely destroyed and eliminated – physically and emotionally.

Traumatic grief.

September 11, 2001 when the first plane struck the twin towers in New York City, New York, USA, there was grief…”How could this awful accident happen?” Before we could even process that grief, the second plane hit and the question turned to a statement, “This was on purpose.” As the following two planes were identified as part of the plan, the new revelation brought more grief.

Traumatic grief.

With the realization that there would be more recovery than rescue, our trauma compounded. With the information that insurance companies did not cover ‘terrorist attacks’, our trauma compounded. With each last voicemail messages shared, our trauma compounded.

Traumatic grief.

Today a biological siege is upon us.

We are at the mercy of an enemy we cannot see, but who’s damage is leaving bodies in bags and crushing spirits. We panic at the subtlest of symptoms because information is nebulous at best, ever changing at worst. The emotional, mental, financial and social landscape of our lives has changed almost overnight.

Unlike weather related natural disasters we have no visual evidence of destruction available on the news to help us move from the initial denial stage of grief. While in denial, we can’t possibly make the right decisions to ‘stay safe, stay home’, because we are still reaching back for the life that so swiftly disappeared. It is almost as if we see the old life before us and we struggle to realize we are looking at a memory.

Others who are not in denial, those who are in an anger stage, see these choices as irresponsible and stupid. They will blame those in denial for the ongoing worsening of the situation. The anger stage causes increased bullying, trolling and arguing. This compounds trauma.

We find ourselves bargaining ‘too little, too late’ into our new reality. We stay home from work, but make needless trips out into the community. We stop hugging and shaking hands, but hold parties in the park. Still in the throws of denial we attempt to create a reality that is less dissimilar from our ‘before’ reality, than what currently is. This often looks to others like we just refuse to follow the rules. And it might be true, but this is grief and everyone follows grief in their own way, in their own time. You can’t mandate people to move through grief faster than they can.

As the new reality is absorbed and the magnitude of the trauma is processed, depression sets in. Add in the social distancing and isolation requirements of quarantine with stay at home mandates, the traumatic depression is compounded.

Our normal remedies for such things are not available with social distancing, isolation and quarantine in place. So the damage/danger rises. The trauma compounds.

In addition, we have the financial upheaval this creates individually, locally and globally. The trauma compounds.

Our healthcare professionals are being asked to perform super humanly. They are not staying at home, staying safe, because they can’t. We need them on the front lines and they have stepped up. They sacrifice their needs for the needs of the whole which is more than the system does for them.

When this is over these heroes, who gave their all, will not have the opportunity to recuperate, because healthcare needs are always present. There won’t be the opportunity to sit on the couch watching netflix or play board games with their children. In fact, many will develop PTSD. The trauma compounds.

What does acceptance look like in a scenario like this?

It looks like neighbors having dance parties in driveways, virtual celebrations of life for loved ones, individuals making hundreds of respirator masks for healthcare professionals, teachers teaching online, neighbors checking in on neighbors. It looks like people moving from busy to being. It looks like calm within the chaos.

It looks like creating a new reality that holds more reverence for life and relationships. It looks like a society that takes care of the whole not the few. It looks like healers stepping forth as a new kind of hero.

It also brings with it a new acceptance of our mortality, the need to plan for it and discuss it more openly. Our death, while we do not need to hasten it, we cannot deny its inevitability. The discussions about advanced care decisions and end of life ceremony and disposition preferences have been taboo for far too long. Now, we are faced with what the end of life community has begged you to understand.

Not only is the date of our death unknown, unimaginable and unpredictable, but so too are the circumstances of our death. We may or may not have forewarning, and any forewarning will likely be only weeks, days or mere hours in advance. And if you are not listening close enough you may not even hear the forewarning when issued.

Every day has a birth and a death written in it’s sunrise and sunset. Every day you too carry your birth and death with every inhale and exhale. It is a luxury to think your next breath is a given. It is a luxury to think your tomorrow is a given.

This is part of what compounds our traumatic grief during this time. Because left and right we are now forced to face mortality as the death toll is announced. The truth is though that we are a society almost desensitized in our traumatic grief. Soaring murder rates, increased poverty, mass shootings, terrorism, war and violence against women and people of color has all contributed to our collective trauma. So, once again, our trauma is compounded.

Our experience with death is changed right now. We don’t even have the basic right to have someone at our hospital bedside, much less the choice to have a funeral or memorial with all loved ones in attendance.

This is not the time necessarily for discussing whether or not you’d prefer lavender or peppermint essential oil diffused in your bedroom in your last days. It is, however, the perfect time to seriously discuss where your quality of life line lies. What aggressive measures you would or would not want taken should it come to that.

It is the time to make sure your legal documents are in order, your passwords are accessible to a trusted person and someone knows something about your wishes regarding your final resting place.

It is also the time to do some emotional estate planning. Write letters to loved ones to be read at a later date, at your celebration of life service, or by a loved one at a wedding or milestone birthday. Create photo albums, scrap books or slideshows. Document who is who on the backs of every photo. Allocate special items to special loved ones. Secure arrangements for the care of your beloved pets upon your death. Make a collection of poems, bible passages or other writings that bring you comfort.

Just doing these things will empower you, helping to move you through your traumatic grief and nurture acceptance.

The world as we knew it is over, that’s true; that in and of itself is a traumatic loss. Within us lies the capability to create a new world, though.

Let’s make sure we create a better one. #traumatotranscendent

The Story Of Hope

I come into people’s lives at times when hope is challenged. I hear phrases such as, “we aren’t giving up hope”, “there’s no hope” and “it’s hopeless”. Individuals often describe feeling hopeless as well.

Hope is not a feeling.

It is something you feel yes, but in and of itself, hope is not a feeling. Think of it like ‘wet’; You can feel wet, but wet is not a feeling.

Hope is a process.

Isabelle found a lump in her breast one day while taking a shower. She noted it, felt a little concern and decided to monitor it before mentioning it to her doctor. She hoped it was nothing.

A couple months go by and Isabelle feels the lump has gotten bigger and seems to be more painful than previously. She makes a doctor’s appointment and hopes it’s nothing.

Her doctor feels it warrants further examination so sends Isabelle for a mammogram. Her doctor and Isabelle hope it’s nothing.

The mammogram indicates need for a biopsy. The doctor and Isabelle hope it’s nothing.

The biopsy comes back malignant. The doctor recommends a lumpectomy and a biopsy of the lymph nodes to determine the extent of the condition. The doctor and Isabelle hope there is nothing found in the lymph nodes and that the lump is removed successfully.

The lymph node biopsy comes back positive for cancer cells. The doctor recommends a radical mastectomy and chemotherapy. The doctor and Isabelle hope this will stop the progression of the disease.

After months of treatment the cancer has spread very aggressively throughout her body. Further aggressive treatments would deplete Isabelle’s quality of life with no likelihood of a cure. Isabelle foregoes aggressive treatment and hopes to fill the rest of her life with quality family time and be comfortable.

Surrounded by her family and friends daily, Isabelle hopes that she has enough time on Earth to leave no words unspoken, no amends not made and no doubt how much she loved life. She wrote letters to be read after her death to special individuals and hopes each one brings a sense of peace and closure to the recipient. She hopes that she made a difference in the lives of those she loves and she hopes that continues on in them long after she transitions to the next place.

Isabelle’s family and friends hope they have enough time to give back to Isabelle all that she has given to them over the years. They hope that she feels loved during the Living Wake they held for her. They hope that she knows she is not alone. They hope that she is not in pain. They hope that they will see her again some day, in some way. They hope.

Hope takes many shapes depending on the evolution of the situation. It morphs and transforms at the direction of its beholder. It relies heavily on perception and mindset. It is undeniably fluid.

Hope is ever present and can be felt by proxy. If you can’t feel it someone else can feel it for you. It is often thought of as contagious for this reason. The mere action another holding hope for you and your situation, can help you feel hope too.

Hope is not tangible. Hope is not concrete. Hope is organic and cannot be defined. It is a dance that cannot be choreographed by a few well spoken words. Hope comes from your soul.

You are either one to experience it or not. In my experience those with hope are more positive, finding all reason to hope despite the situation. Also, in my experience however, I find denial disguised as hope.

Denial is often portrayed as ‘positive thinking’. Denial is the underlying belief that if I ignore something it will not come into being. Denial is considering only the best case scenarios and suppressing the fears of the possibility of an undesired outcome.

Denial isolates and divides, but true hope unites and bonds.

Hope is not holding onto a desired outcome no matter what. True hope is holding the desire for the best outcome in one hand, while holding acceptance of the possibility of the worst outcome in the other – and preparing for both.

It is in this preparation for both that the uniting and the bonding happens.

When I consider things, I always play the what if I’m wrong? game. “If I do this thing and I’m wrong then (fill in the blank)?” And then I weigh it against “what if I do that thing and I’m wrong then (fill in the blank)?”

So, let’s play that game now.

Imagine a situation where you have been diagnosed as terminal and never consider the possibility of death because you are being ‘positive’. You never have conversations about it with others. You never express the things on your heart. You never talk about your fears. You never express your wishes regarding your services. You never make preparations.

You think about dying. You worry about it. You have no one to talk about it with though because you are being positive about it. You lie in bed at night and think of all the things that you will miss. You feel great love but do not express it because it will scare your family to think you are giving up.

At some point the treatment is deemed ineffective, causes severe side effects and reduces your quality of life. You have no energy to visit with others. Treatment is stopped and you are sent home with hospice.

You die three days later with no chance to say a quality goodbye.

How does that feel?

Now imagine a situation where you have been diagnosed as terminal and pursue aggressive treatment while also accepting the possibility of death. As you go through treatment you have open deep conversations with family and friends about your fears and your hopes. You begin to make decisions about the celebration of your life. You make a list of songs for your memorial service, last wishes about care and you even write a letter to be read at your service.

You cry and laugh with your loved ones. The whole experience draws you closer to your family and friends.

Your aggressive treatment is successful and you live several more years with these deeper relationships.

How do you feel?

Which scenario feels more hopeful now?

Carol

Holistic Support In Uncertain Times

Carol was the neighborhood mom of my adolescence. Carol’s daughter, Marsha, and my younger sister were the best of friends. While in our youth we were not allies, as we grew into adulthood we grew closer.

I had peripherally understood that Carol had battled a few different types of cancer throughout her life. It’s unfair really, that anyone would have to face multiple cancer fights, but she was known as a fighter. Even in our youth, her warrior spirit was recognizable.

But there comes a day in every warrior’s life when the sword and shield get heavy and it is time to lay them down.

Carol was at peace with her decision to forego aggressive treatments. She was tired and just wanted to BE: BE with her family, BE in her home and to BE with her God.

Carol was at home with hospice care and as so often is the case of only daughters, Marsha was the caregiver of record.

Upon my arrival I found the energy of the house to be chaotic. This is not surprising as our society has created an atmosphere that treats death as a medical event, rather than a holistic experience. Often an individual internally senses when it is time to let go and accepts this new phase of their journey, but in an effort to ‘stay positive’ the family can pressure the patient to ‘not give up’. This fear-based disparity creates a chaotic energy in the environment.

Acceptance is a very different energy than giving up. Giving up is premature disengagement usually stemming from depression. Acceptance is completely different. Acceptance is no longer fighting against the tide, it is allowing peace to take the place of fear and standing in the love of those surrounding you. Acceptance transforms the scared energy into sacred energy.

Carol was in acceptance. Her daughter was in acceptance. The rest of the family, maybe not so much.

Acceptance became our first goal so sacred things could start to happen.

Families need permission to be ok with a patient’s decision. A simple “It’s ok” from someone with experience often opens up a floodgate of relief from self-imposed criticism.

I observed the family as it operated organically. I saw who was comfortable providing what, supported their strengths and nurtured their perceived weaknesses. I could identify small but significant shifts to facilitate the transition from crisis energy to sacred energy.

Once that happened, peace replaced the panic.

I watched as Marsha used the therapeutic ritual techniques I’d suggested to provide holistic support to her mother. Therapeutic ritual techniques not only provides practical emotional and spiritual comfort to the individual, but it also offers an outlet for the underlying helplessness caregivers experience while caring for a dying loved one.

I never orchestrate anything when I am providing holistic support. I aim to be non-invasive and wait for organic opportunities to facilitate sacred moments. When I was alone with Carol I offered spiritual and emotional support and encouragement. When I was alone with family members I listened to their deepest fear revealed and spoke to that.

You can’t know from one moment to the next what will be of significance so I am always looking for signs. While her son was catching me up on his life, I noticed a change in Carol’s face. I knew she was looking through the veil to the other side. She smiled, sighed and said ‘Ooohhh’. I encouraged her to share her vision. She said she saw so many colors. All kinds of colors. Colors she had never before seen. When I asked her what it felt like she said ‘Joy. It feels like joy.’

I saw the glow of her vision reflected on her face.

Carol died surrounded by her closest family members just three days later.

Providing holistic support to those facing a life limiting prognosis whether due to aging, trauma or disease is the greatest honor of my life. I understand the complicated struggle that happens along the journey between life and death. I am comfortable having the uncomfortable conversations and holding space so that families and individuals can find their own path, create their own memories and feel empowered in their own experience.

My greatest wish is to support more individuals and families in shifting from scared to sacred.

Judith Klemos BSW, CTTP, ULC Minister
Healing Rites of Passage
http://www.willowsongmedicine.wordpress.com
219 488 6176

Employee End of Life Benefits

In my 30 year career I have worked several places and not one employer had what I call sufficient support for those who were bereaved. Not even the hospices.

Three days of paid leave and maybe some flowers. That’s usually the sum total of support an employer lends to an employee after they experience the death of a loved one. There is of course, FMLA but that just protects your job to some extent, it is not truly support. It’s also mandated by law. Sometimes, individual employers will extend additional emotional support by offering some workplace flexibility when an employee is taking care of an aging or ill loved one, but it isn’t status quo across the board.

Our aging boomers have caregiving children in the work force. Many have to give up their jobs in order to take care of their parent. While employers are not required to do more, I think they could.

I am exploring a new benefit and am looking for emplyers who would be adventurous and caring enough to join me in providing a non-traditional benefit to their employees.

End of Life Specialist Benefits

In addition to the traditional three day paid bereavement leave and flowers, I suggest employers consider end of life specialist services in addition to traditional EAP. As an end of life specialist I provide services including but not limited to:

  • advanced directive planning
  • emotional estate planning
  • bedside support
  • healing bedside rituals
  • education on the end of life process
  • assistance and emotional support navigating the medical community
  • facilitate support groups
  • bereavement support follow along
  • support for anticipatory grief
  • grief counseling
  • legacy projects
  • facilitate educational and interactive seminars
  • mediate/facilitate difficult family conversations
  • provide grief support to co-workers after a employee death

A one year contract specifically designed for your company and your employees can include all or some of these services. In an age where the topic of death is taboo and the event often spirited away behind the walls of medical institutions there is a new age dawning. I am part of that new age, providing support when it matters most. I have a lifetime career of experience that has proven time and time again to benefit in the simplest ways resulting in profound shifts regards coping and healing related to the end of life stage.

As a business owner you must realize the impact that illness, dying and death have on your caregiving and bereaved employees. You must also realize that this impacts the quality of work they can provide you during this time. Having your human resource amply supported during times of caregiving and bereavement prevents depression, job loss, production decline, grave errors in judgment, apathy as well as reducing absenteeism.

I hope I do not have to outline all the benefits to your bottom line that such a non-traditional benefit would provide. Just look at how non-traditional benefits have impacted the bottom line of companies such as Google and Amazon!! Non-traditional benefits decrease turnover rates, increase morale, decrease on-boarding costs, increase productivity, increase creativity and encourage unity and loyalty just to name a few.

But really, all other benefits aside, its the right thing to do for those who have chosen you as their employer. With this non-traditional benefit you make a difference at a time when no one else knows how to. We each only have one death in this life. There are no do overs and I meet people everyday who have profound regrets surrounding the death of someone they’ve lost. It doesn’t have to be that way. The loss of a loved one hurts, we can’t change that. We can however, change the circumstances in which it happens and provide more support to those in need.

I’d love your feedback to this non-traditional benefit whether you are an employee or an employer. I welcome all conversations. Please share your thoughts on how you think this benefit would impact you as an employee or an employer.

Thank you.

When Death Comes – An End of Life Doula Perspective

Early on Life taught me that it had a set of bookends named Birth and Death. I was not afforded the luxury of death denial. I understood clearly that death was always part of the deal.

This perspective impacted my life in a deep soulful way. A way that made me seem odd in the eyes of my peers.


When I first heard the term, ‘End of Life Doula’ I thought, “this is what my whole life has been about.” Because death has had such a prominent place in my experience of life, I organically became the ‘death guru’ in both my personal and professional lives. Intuitively I understood what someone dying was seeking and what those who were grieving required. It isn’t something that can be taught, it must be lived through.

Death in our modern society is viewed as a medical opponent meant to be thwarted at all costs, yet the reality is that we all have two book ends. At some point we must come to acceptance that our time on Earth is finite and that treating death solely as a medical event, without proper attention to the spiritual and emotional needs, leads to regret and complicated grieving.

Because of my experiences I have learned how to walk with death while in the midst of living. I have discovered the sweetness this perspective brings to living and wish to bring it to others. This is why I suggest people begin looking at end of life issues as early as age 45 or with the first hint of a medical scare, rather than just when death seems imminent.

It is off-putting to some because our society has done such a good job of hiding death away in sterile environments and labeling any reflection as ‘morbid’ or ‘negative’. To the contrary, openly embracing the inevitability of death makes us appreciate life even more. We live deeper because we are not closing our eyes and lips in denial. When our eyes and lips are open, we place more value on our relationships and experiences and less on the pursuit of material gains.

The more we integrate discussions about dying preferences into medical treatment discussions the more informed each patient’s choices can be. Subsequently, the more discussions we have the less alone we feel.

This is not easy for most though and that is where I want to be of service. I want to be one to facilitate discussions, listen actively, offer inspiration and comfort in situations where others may not know how. To this end I have compiled my experience and education into an End of Life Planner that gives structure and direction through these waters. It serves as a guide for those who wish to explore their fears, preferences and beliefs around death and dying. I call this ’emotional estate planning’.

Through tragedies we are opened up to a new level of connection with others. Why wait until then, though? Why not open up to real connection talking about something so real and inevitable as death and our wishes around our care during that time?

When death comes we may never be ready, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be prepared.

When Death Comes
by Jade Klemos

When Death comes, it is not convenient, or better, or easy.
It doesn’t come with manners, etiquette or rules to follow.
It doesn’t come bringing a gold leafed invitation you can decline,
It comes with surgical steel precision dissecting your life.

Death may come in the quiet of night with a crash
It may come at high noon with a silent breath.
It may be welcomed like a soft bed of blankets after a long journey.
It may be as disagreeable as a bed of nails.

Death comes without explanation, justification or reason.
It comes without being fair, or just or reversible.
It comes without your permission, approval or acceptance.
It comes without an undo button or an option to refuse delivery.

When Death comes, it cares not what God you do or do not believe in;
Whether you went to temple, church, mosque or Sunday brunch.
It cares not what’s in your bank account, or on your to do list.
It certainly cares not whether you are ready.

When Grief comes, it comes ripping shreds of flesh from emotional bones
Filling them with marrow of sorrow.
It cares not how many birthdays you’ve had
Nor how many degrees hang on your wall.

Grief comes bringing unbelievable pain and intolerable numbness.
It comes bringing more questions than answers.
It may come as a gentle wave on the shore Or as a tidal wave tossing you under and over.

Grief comes without respect to place, or time or status.
It wreaks havoc with equilibrium and motivation.
It causes doubt, isolation and disorientation.
It is unilaterally deaf to desperate pleas for mercy.

When Grief comes, it comes without kindness or compassion.
It cares not that you are overflowing with it and unable to breathe.
It cares not that it brands epitaphs on your heart.
It cares only that it change you forever.

Isn’t That What Hospice Is For?

I spoke to a hospital chaplain the other day to speak to her about my end of life doula services. Her initial response to me was, “that’s what we have hospice for.”

If you haven’t already, pause here to read https://willowsongmedicine.wordpress.com/2019/09/08/the-elephant-in-the-room-is-dying/ which gives relevant facts related to the systematic underutilization of hospice services and late referrals.

First of all, to be referred to hospice you must have a doctor state ‘if nature takes its course, death is likely to occur in six months or less.’ – There is no referral needed to employ an end of life doula. There is no criteria of ‘six months or less’. You call an end of life doula (EOLD) yourself, whenever you want. For instance, you could call for an EOLD consult at the same time you draft a will with a lawyer, to outline your choices for your end of life, whenever that might be. Or you can have your EOLD there at your doctor’s office visit as an extra set of ears and support while you take in the overwhelming information.

Secondly, hospice is not designed for long periods of interaction. A typical social work or chaplain visit is no more than one hour in length, not usually more than once a week. The hospice gets paid a specific amount per day to take care of a patient, so they are careful stewards of their resources. – With an EOLD you are the steward of the resources. You decide what services you want your resources to go towards. You both decide how long visits will last, how many times a week/month/year and what you want to accomplish during that time.

Third, you do not have a direct line of communication to your hospice staff, you must go through the hospice service. – You have your EOLD’s direct number and you’ve worked out between you the terms of service hours and accessibility.

Fourth, If an individual leaves that hospice agency you get a new staff assignment. – Your EOLD is your staff, unless you fire her/him or there is an emergency, she/he is not going anywhere. On the rare occasions that a back up doula is utilized you hopefully would’ve met them ahead of time, or at least been made aware of them.

Fifth, the scope of practice for hospice employees defines their role very specifically in assisting with certain aspects of dying. – The EOLD’s scope of practice includes what she is skilled at within the parameters of ‘non-medical support’. So that might mean taking your dog to the groomer. It might mean a marathon scrapbooking session. It might mean doing rituals to provide emotional and spiritual comfort. Or using crystals and essential oils to promote a feeling of wellbeing. Or doing energy healing for the relief of physical/spiritual/emotional pain and discomfort.

EOLDs endeavor to work in conjunction with hospice teams, palliative care teams, doctors, churches, hospital staff and family units. There is no such thing as ‘too much support’.

Why ‘Sacred Healing Facilitator’?

For those who have been following me for awhile, you might have noticed I have changed ‘titles’ several times. It has never been easy ascribing myself a label. I’ve always lived with the idea that I don’t have a box, so therefore no place for a label on me.

For those who have been following me for awhile, you might have noticed I have changed ‘titles’ several times. It has never been easy ascribing myself a label. I’ve always lived with the idea that I don’t have a box, so therefore no place for a label on me.

But when you are wanting to be of service to others it is helpful that someone who needs you, can actually discover you and to that end, labels are assistive.

So how did I settle on Sacred Healing Facilitator?

Let’s start backwards. Facilitator. I have always shied away from calling myself a healer. I suppose I am, but because I imagine myself to be more of a conduit, ‘healer’ never seemed to feel quite right.

A facilitator is “a person or thing that makes an action or process easy or easier”.

Well, that is what I do. I facilitate a lot of things for a lot of people. ✓

Healing. We’ve already discussed my definition of healing, but for those coming in late…

Healing: The raising of personal vibrations to an individual’s optimum level of peace.

Healing looks like different things to different people. It is not so just like an open wound on your arm that closes and disappears with time.

Much healing can take place in the last phase of life before transitioning.

Now, Sacred. While defined as something religious, Sacred does not mean that for me.

Something sacred has the highest resonance. The highest vibration. Sacred is the ultimate reverence and respect. It is the highest honor.

For many sacred might relate to religion, for others it might relate to spirituality, for still others it might relate to consciousness. In my experience, even atheists experience something sacred.

Being a Sacred Healing Facilitator in a Modern World

Previous generations were strongly connected to their church communities and had direct access to their religious leaders. The church community was referred to as a ‘family’. Today however, that community is known as a ‘congregation.’

Having direct access to a religious leader was of great comfort to families. They often had the same minister perform marriages, baptisms, and funerals for members of the same family. The minister was an extended part of the family.

As the last two generations have gotten away from dogma, doctrine and organized religion there is a bit of a void. While individuals are taking back the power over their own spirituality, they lack a confidante, minister and healer. They are lacking someone outside themselves to administer spiritual/consciousness healing and comfort.

As a Sacred Healing Facilitator it would be my privilege to step in to fill this gap as individuals transition from organized religion to self-directed spirituality. I am receptive to providing ministry to those who are estranged from organized religion but have a need for an adviser, elder or guide, with no need to subscribe to a certain dogma. I aim to fulfill reverent needs at times like weddings, blessings, namings and funerals, as well as offer support and guidance in times of crisis such as trauma, end of life and loss.

People used to have family doctors. One doctor for the whole family from crib to crypt. I am using that as my model. How amazing to be a sacred witness to weddings, baby blessings, living wakes and memorials all in the same family. How comforting would it be for a family to have a familiar face standing with them at such sacred times?

By the same token, I may be needed to minister to those who already have a strong relationship with their church community, but need assistance to facilitate difficult conversations about end of life issues, completing advance directives, planning celebrations of life ceremony and help navigate the emotional waters around that.

A shift is happening in our society’s experience of death. Death was once seen as a natural part of life. With modern medical advances, things that were once life threatening became almost neutralized. Death became an enemy to be beat at all costs and not a natural transition from a well lived life. Extending our life expectancies created a denial, as death was whisked from our homes into sterile hospitals and funeral homes.

This sterility has caused a problem.

It has removed some very important parts of mourning. It disallowed anticipatory grief, because the idea that ‘we can beat this thing’ is the motto until almost the last exhale. It disallowed acceptance by labeling it ‘giving up’. It disallowed conversations about last wishes and good-byes, by labeling them ‘negative talk’.

Let me ask you something.

Have you ever talked about winning a big lottery pot? And if so, did you ever win that big lottery pot? No? So, just talking about something does not have the power to make it a reality, right?

Now, let’s apply this to the conversation about dying.

If I feel like death is a possibility and I am allowed/able to talk about that openly with my loved ones early on while I still have the energy, I can have meaningful connections with my loved ones. If I pull through, I have still made meaningful connections that only enhance my life.

If, on the other hand, I feel like death is a possibility but I am not allowed/able to talk about that openly with my loved ones early on, there will less meaningful connections. There will always be an elephant in the room that isn’t discussed. Words left unsaid. “Thank you’s” left undelivered. “I’m sorry’s” left on hearts. “I love you’s” left dangling.

These are precious gifts stolen from those who need them most – when they need them most – just because we are uncomfortable talking about death.

What if I’m wrong?

Exactly. What if you talk openly about the possibility of death and you are wrong? Then you’ve had deep meaningful moments, thereby making more memories and when death does comes to you in the future, you will have had the experience of acceptance and the peace that there are no words left unsaid.

If instead, you deny talking about the possibility of death and you are wrong, you have lost the opportunity to have those deep meaningful moments forever; because by the time it is determined that death is imminent, there is little energy left for such things.

I believe this is a disservice. I believe there is healing that comes from sharing our fears, our disappointments, our uncertainties, our sorrows and even our anger. I believe there is quality of life when the truth is laid out on the table like a feast to be digested. I believe that in the shadow of silence lay regret.

I believe the healthiest approach to anything is a holistic one. If, while you are aggressively fighting your illness you still make room for meaningful end of life conversations, then that’s living. Time spent writing letters filled with advice or good wishes on a special day can’t ever be a waste, can it?

I also believe that a well thought out plan for your funeral or memorial service is a precious gift you can give to your loved ones.

I know these thoughts might make me seem weird and I’m ok with that. Someone has to be and I’ve got it down to an art by now.

Yes, Sacred Healing Facilitator. This is my calling. My Soul’s purpose on this Earth during this lifetime.

A Late Announcement Is Better Than None At All…

Some of you have followed me for a long time from Namaste` Holistic Services, The Sentient Soul, WillowSong Medicine Woman to Mystic Willow. Some of you have known me as Judy Polimac, Judy Edwards, Judy Klemos and from Judy, to Jude to Jade.

I appreciate your acceptance and support as I have done my own transitioning. As the seasons change, so too do we and I have entered into a new season of my life.


I want to take a minute to explain it.


I have lived my life in service of others in various roles over the course of three decades. I have a long career in Social Work, working in most of the genres within that field. Without question I have been most honored to be allowed to work with those with Intellectual Disabilities and those in hospice.

Alongside this fulfilling career I studied and practiced in the metaphysical field developing a skill for energy healing and intuitive energy counseling. I have developed a very unique approach to life and assisting others by combining these two worlds.

Recently the National Hospice and Palliative Care Association has developed a committee to develop and structure a paradigm for end of life doulas. This non-medical based approach to this last transition is long overdue. I have the privilege of being one of the pioneers of this frontier.

Thus I have started Healing Rites of Passage and for lack of a better title I call myself an End of Life Doula, however I believe this model can be applied to all of life’s transitions, thus making me more of a Life Transitions Doula, specializing in end of life transitions.

What does an end of life doula do? Similar to what a birth doula does, but instead of assisting a mother in bringing a life into this world, I assist those leaving this world and their families left behind.

It is important to note that this is a non-medical support position not intended to replace things like palliative care or hospice, but to enhance it. I provide therapeutic presence, emotional support, spiritual support, education on the needs of dying as well as the needs of the grieving, the end of life process, advocacy, opportunities for legacy creation, memorial/funeral planning, advanced care directive planning, companionship and energy work just to name a few.

I have been an ordained minister since 2003. I am not aligned with any organized religion, but rather have a holistic spiritual focus.

I have met many children, spouses and siblings who, when I tell them of my path, state that they wish they had someone like me when their loved one transitioned. I have had others say they wish they’d known me when they were going through a major life transition of their own (such as divorce, baby blessings and chronic illness). This post is one way of telling the world I move in that this service exists, and that I am here.

I appreciate your continued support, encouragement and companionship on my own journey, and as always…

I love you.

~Jade