Don’t Be “The Bigger Person”

black-and-white-people-bar-men.jpgYou’ve had a conflict with another person. Things may have gotten out of control and both sides are hurt. You may think the other person is at fault or at least at greater fault. At one point someone suggests you apologize and you reject that notion. That person then says to you, “be the bigger person” and you reluctantly decide to make the first move towards resolution.

Chances are that resolution wasn’t as successful as you would’ve liked. In fact, it may have even made things worse and you might be wondering why.

When you label yourself ‘bigger’, you are -by default- labeling them ‘smaller’ and it immediately sets up an energetic power struggle. “Bigger” is a relative term, which means it has no meaning without reference to something “smaller”. Energetically this is communicated through any interaction then.

You continue the conflict (power struggle) by putting the other person down energetically and with your language. You can’t help it. If being the bigger person is your motivation then all action from that place will be tainted. Can you feel the difference between these two ‘apologies’?

I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt. I’m sorry you felt that way and that you took what I said wrong.

 

I’m sorry. I never intended for your feelings to get hurt and I apologize that what I said caused you pain.

Can you feel the difference in the energy?!

The first one is passive-aggressive and is pretty typical of someone who is coming from a bigger/smaller place.

While we are not responsible for how someone else feels, we are accountable for our actions and our actions impact others whether we intend for them to or not. I think it is important to understand the intent of our actions, realize there can be miscommunication even with the best of intentions and there need not be ‘fault’ assigned, when accepting accountability. Just clear transparent communication.

If you can’t come to a conflict resolution open hearted with no power struggle strings, then you are not ready for conflict resolution. Wait until you can come to the table with an open heart.

Unless/until you can come with an open heart, the resolution won’t have a solid foundation for a conflict free future and the only point to conflict resolution, is to build a conflict free future. This can’t be done if egos are running amok and the ego is surely running amok if the only way you can think about doing the ‘right’ thing is to consider yourself the bigger person.

Conflict resolution isn’t about getting one over on another. It isn’t about proving anything to anyone. Its about clearing energy from your heart center and improving the vibration between two (or maybe more) parties. Its only about ‘winning’ if both parties are winning. It isn’t about being a better person than the other, merely a better version of your self.

Here’s the thing…

Conflict resolution isn’t necessary unless you create conflict. There is actually a way to live your life in such a way to minimize or even eliminate conflict in a healthy way.

I can hear your disbelief. “Conflict is a part of life” you think, but it isn’t. Conflict, by definition is a “serious and protracted disagreement or argument”. Not seeing eye to on a topic isn’t an automatic conflict. It’s when people believe there is one ‘right’ perspective and endeavor to impose that on others, demanding agreement, that conflict ensues. Simple seeing things differently is not conflict, its perspective.

Now, here are four steps to live your life to minimize if not eliminate conflict healthfully.

  1. Let go of winning.
  2. Disagreements are not automatic conflicts.
  3. Conflict resolution does not equal confrontation.
  4. Shift from the negative to the positive.
Let go of winning

When you are aligned you realize there is no ‘right or wrong’. There is what resonates with you and what does not. You cannot speak for another on the subject of resonating. What resonates with you may resonate with another, but you can never know if it resonates in the same way because neither of you can know the experience of the other! All you can do is trust your inner self, when you are most connected to Spirit to determine what resonates with you. The goal is not to win but to expand!

Disagreements are not automatic conflicts

Speaking to one another with respect and understanding, focusing as much on understanding another as we do on being understood by another is primary to eliminating conflict from your life. Transparency means being authentic without the fear of reprisal or harm. Approaching a problem from two different perspectives is a wonderful way to find the best solution. When you eliminate the need to win from a disagreement, you are automatically opened up to explore the limitless possibilities of outcomes and conflict isn’t even a ‘thing’.

Conflict Resolution does not equal Confrontation

If you do end up in conflict and find yourself approaching conflict resolution, it is important to understand that conflict resolution does not equal confrontation. Confrontation is hostile, conflict resolution is not. It can be uncomfortable (remember what we said about uncomfortable in the intimidation article) but it not hostile. True Conflict resolution, by its very name, will focus on the resolution not the conflict. Whereas confrontation has the aggressiveness built in, defenses are up and an implied right/wrong dynamic exists.

 

Shift from negative to positive

I’ve saved the first for last. Yes, you read that right. The very first thing you need to do to eliminate conflict from your life is to shift from the negative to the positive. Why did I save it for last? Because if you remember nothing else from this post, I want you to remember this…it is the single most important and powerful thing you can do for the betterment of your life. I have many people confess to me that they wish to be more positive but find themselves stuck in the negative. That is understandable. You were taught to be negative, you weren’t born that way. So, you have to unlearn it in a matter of speaking and relearn to be positive. There is one simple two step trick to making the switch.

The first step is to be aware of your negativity. Pay attention to your thoughts and your words. When you find yourself focusing on the negative, even if it is simply how something didn’t live up to your expectations, notice it. Be aware that you are focusing on the ‘lack’ of something rather than the ‘gift’ of something.

Once you have gotten used to noticing your negativity, the second step is to double up on the positive. What does this mean? For every negative thing you think or say, you counter with two positives. Say you are out to dinner with friends and the waiter forgets the tea you ordered. You find yourself feeling irritated and make a snide remark to your dinner companions. You hear it. Now you find two positive things to say about the waiter. Yes, say them out loud, after all you complained out loud, didn’t you? Maybe the waiter brought you extra rolls or had a pleasant demeanor.

Making this change is conscious, which means it will take effort to 1) notice the negative and 2) double up the positive. However, the shift you will be making will cascade out to all parts of your life. You will be more conscious of how your mind works and whether or not your attention is on the negative of life or the positive (aka the lack or the gifts). Remember that life will bring you whatever you purchase with your attention. (It’s a little like Amazon.com that way!)

All right, this has been sitting in my drafts folder for too long now, so I’m going to hit publish and know that it is on it’s way to those who need to hear this message the most.

As always, remember…

I love you!

~Jade

Jade’s work is different and we think you will find it effective and economic. It combines Jade’s knowledge and skills cultivated over three decades of psychiatry, human services, hospice, geriatrics, crystal healing, QiGong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch with her natural Spirit given gifts of intuition and being an empath.

Check out our Healing Rite of Passage Me-Treat & Workshops for 2018 

Join us for more conversation in our Facebook group Willow Song Firekeepers

As of now Jade is limiting the one on one work she does. For availability please email an inquiry.

To schedule services please review options here and email Jade here to make arrangements.

 

 

 

 

My New Year’s Thoughts

I know this may seem late, being it is the second of January already (damn, now its the third), I am right on time.

I spent the days of my holiday weekend with my beloved who was ill. It was good quality time, even though it wasn’t what either of us planned. We had planned to go to a friend’s party on New Year’s Eve and had to switch out for staying home and not even staying up to see the New Year at midnight. (Good thing the New Year was still there when we woke up!! 🙂 )

So, yesterday I just spent the day with my beloved being in the ‘now’. Whatever that meant in the moment and it was truly delicious.

So, today is the day for reflecting back and setting the course of the new year. It first started with the notion to change my word for the year from ‘Discovery’ to ‘Grace’. Why you ask? Because I realized that ‘Discovery’ has a much bigger stage to play on.

Initially I thought of life like school where we are meant to learn and graduate higher and higher. It suited me for awhile until I outgrew it. Then, I realized that life wasn’t about learning so much as it was about unlearning and remembering the truth. My truth. Ah, yes, remembering fit me so much better.

Until it didn’t.

That’s now…when I realized that I’ve moved from learning, to remembering, to discovering. OH MY SELF what an amazing feeling that brings to say out loud! YES!! It is about discovering. Discovering who I am not and defining who I am!

This led to a mission statement/mantra, for the year, and quite possibly for the rest of my life, ‘Surrender with Grace to the Flow of the Tao’. Man I just love saying that. I feel like I’ve been given the golden key to the city of Life.

Surrender

Surrender has different energy for me now, than it once did. Once upon a time, surrender meant giving up or failure. Now it has Peace woven into it and I understand it to indicate an opportunity to cease swimming against the current. My default will be to Surrender to the experience of the moment, whatever it may be.

With Grace

Grace is a new friend to me. She is what I call my Higher Self, my Bliss, my Connectedness. Grace is the highest version of myself. I say ‘Grace’ and immediately I feel connected to the Love of All That Is. I feel Grace in my energetic body. It is the name of the highest vibration I have experienced thus far. Do anything with Grace and I am on the right path.

To The Flow

Flow is another peaceful old friend. Flow and I have been friends for a few years now, but each year we discover new depths to our relationship. I look forward to the same this year, as I understand Flow to include ebbs, which is very different from lack. Ebb is a necessary ingredient in Flow and is as necessary to Life, as hibernation is to the bear.

Of The Tao

Tao is the way (of Life). It is the energy that flows, that Path, the Knowingness. The Tao is what is. It is the heartbeat of Life and when I am connected to It I cannot err, diverge, digress, delay, miss out, mistake or anything else. When I surrender to the Tao with Grace I will always be exactly where I am meant to be.

And so these are my musings on this (now) third day of January. I need to end it here or it will be the 2nd of February!

What are your thoughts on this 2018???

I love you.

~Jade

 

Jade’s work is different and we think you will find it effective and economic. It combines Jade’s knowledge and skills cultivated over three decades of psychiatry, human services, hospice, geriatrics, crystal healing, QiGong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch with her natural Spirit given gifts of intuition and being an empath.
Check out our Healing Rite of Passage Me-Treat & Workshops for 2018 
https://www.facebook.com/Healing-Rite-of-Passage-Me-Treat-Workshop-520376758300839/
To schedule services please review options here and email Jade here to make arrangements.

Intentions For The Year – part 2

Yesterday we talked about picking a word for the year, as an intention or ‘theme’. My word for this year was ‘surrender’ and I talked about that as well.

I have been toying with some words for 2018 and when ‘everything sticks, nothing sticks’. There were TOO many good ones revealing themselves (yes ‘reveal’ was one of those stickies) to me, but today I think I’ve settled on one.

Its so obvious, in fact, so obvious that I feel like its basic and surely ‘I’ve already done this one’.

Before I reveal (there she is again!) my word for 2018 I want to share the contenders.

Allow.

To me this is a natural word to follow this year’s Surrender, as Surrender is a pre-requisite to Allowing. I’ve been dancing with Allow for a good part of the past several months. Not realizing that questioning good things is as much resistance as flat out rejecting them, I had to start working on Allowing those wonderful things to happen. In fact I even made it part of my client programs.

Allow has such grace and ease to it. She’s like a dance…gentle swaying movement. I love allow. She’s so beautiful, but in some ways she’s been a tag on to Surrender, as if she is the long lost soul mate. So, whether I picked her or not she became part of my intentions for 2017. While I carry her with me (as I do all my previous words) into the new year, she won’t have first billing.

Reveal

Aw, he’s new to the dance floor this year. He just galloped up the past week. This is why I really thought he was going to be my 2018 dance partner. Reveal is quiet handsome and sure on his feet. A strong word to be sure, focusing on standing strong in who you are and allowing what will be to be.

Oh, he has been intoxicating to dance with since he arrived last week. He has twirled me around and around until I’ve landed in another dimension. I barely even know myself when I’m in his arms. In fact, I don’t know myself at all the way he knows me and the way I want to now be known.

Reveal has brought a level of open honesty to my professional life that hasn’t been there. I don’t know why I didn’t realize the benefit it could be to my professional relationships since Transparency (Reveal’s cousin) been a staple in my marriage. Part of my professional training drilled into my head that you don’t talk about yourself to your client. You are meant to be sterile. This week I’m seeing the beauty of showing your personness to other persons! Thank you, Reveal!

Brave

This is another partner who joined me during the year. We had a short foxtrot around the dance floor but we weren’t meant to dance a whole year. She just needed to make her presence known so that could keep her right up front. So, its important to mention her here and give her, her accolades.

BRAVE are the five concepts I hold onto when fear or worry begin to creep in.

  • Be in the present moment
  • Realize everything is for your highest good
  • Accept delivery from the Universe
  • Vibrations resonate with like vibrations
  • Energy’s natural state is flow

That brings us to what, as of this date 11/19/2017, will be my lead word for 2018.

It just struck me a couple of days ago and it was right under my nose the whole time. She is brilliant in her simplicity on the dance floor. She is grace, endurance and wonder. Understated at best. I can’t believe I’ve overlooked her all this time and I’m excited for our adventure together.

A few weeks ago my husband bought me a new-to-me car. Its a 2004 Land Rover and I love her SO much. I’ve struggled with naming her as nothing has fit. As I rounded the back of my vehicle the other day I noticed the model name of the car. It had been there all along, just waiting for me…

Discovery

That’s when my word picked me. I can’t wait to explore with her. To see what new steps she shows me and how she takes me further along my journey. How perfect Discovery has shown up! While my whole life has been about discovering and these past three years have been about really discovering myself, I get the sense that I haven’t seen anything yet.

I expect the dance with Discovery will be the greatest dance yet. I know there is so much I have to discover…about myself and about this experience of life. It has never failed to be exciting and completely illuminating; worth every single second on days like this. I am open to her gift and her challenges.

I won’t even try to imagine what she will bring to me, but I have visions of wrapped gifts which is terrifically exciting!

Now to decide if the car gets a first name or if she will just go by Discovery…

Any thoughts on what your word will be yet?

I love you.

~Jade

 

 

Jade’s work is different and we think you will find it effective and economic. It combines Jade’s knowledge and skills cultivated over three decades of psychiatry, human services, hospice, geriatrics, crystal healing, QiGong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch with her natural Spirit given gifts of intuition and being an empath.
 
To schedule services please review options here and email Jade here to make arrangements.

Intentions For The Year

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Do you pick a word for the year?

Many people do. They pick a word that they choose to focus on and explore throughout the year. Personally I prefer to call them intentions rather than ‘words’, but the (lol) ‘intention’ is all the same.

My word for 2017 has been Surrender.

Last year, 2016, my word was ‘Release’. I even developed a 30 day program about it and led several women (and one man) through the online group program with such mind blowing results. But even after all that something was still in resistance. This is how ‘Surrender’ was born into being my intention (for its really much more than ‘just a word’) for 2017.

 

Surrender has proven to be bigger than I ever imagined when I set out. See after ‘release’ I expected great miracles to occur. A thought that by its very inception created resistance in the manner of force-by-expectation.

 

Surrender is absolutely letting the chips fall where they may, knowing they fell EXACTLY as they were meant to, to serve my highest good, even if that meant not fulfilling my perceived wants. See what I NEEDED is often much different than what I thought I wanted. And in truth, what I thought I wanted, had it come to be would’ve taken me further away from my desired result/experience than what I actually needed (and what was delivered) which took me straight into/through the fire. It was the quickest route. So, quick in fact, that I often have a hard time keeping up!

 

Surrender has been my go to mantra when I find myself in resistance like worry, anxiety, concern, disappointment, sadness, overwhelm or even apathy. I have even learned to surrender when I feel like giving up.

 

Many people think that surrender means giving up and nothing could be further from the truth. Giving up is letting go of the energetic connection to life. Surrender means falling into the flow of life.

 

Surrender is not passive. It is active participation in the ebb and flow of life. It is the first step to Allowing. To surrender is to stop expecting, stop forcing, stop trying, stop planning, stop judging, stop attempting, stop inventorying, stop measuring…stop controlling.

 

Surrender is knowing that the river of Life is 1) flowing in the direction you need to go; 2) enough to support you; and 3) determined to land you on the right shore (despite your own self).

 

Surrender has been a gift to me this year. I surrendered when my husband had a stroke. I surrendered during his recovery. I surrendered when our business ebbed. I surrendered during times I wanted to give up. I surrendered when things turned tide in my favor in a court case. I surrendered when I developed the Retreat/Workshop. I surrendered when things did not go as I’d planned. I surrendered when my husband had more strokes. I surrendered when he was put on the right medicine. I surrendered as my relationship with my daughter expanded. I surrendered when I received the self-reveal challenge from Spirit last week.

 

I surrendered this morning.

 

I surrender now.

 

I surrender in my love for you.

 

~Jade

 

 

Jade’s work is different and we think you will find it effective and economic. It combines Jade’s knowledge and skills cultivated over three decades of psychiatry, human services, hospice, geriatrics, crystal healing, QiGong, Reiki, and Therapeutic Touch with her natural Spirit given gifts of intuition and being an empath.
 
To schedule services please review options here and email Jade here to make arrangements.