While I have, in my book, referenced my suicidal history, I don’t go into much detail and never discuss it otherwise. I also have never discussed my half sister’s suicide, nor my sister’s attempt. However, today, a friend has lost her son to suicide (the latest in a string) and it seems, for me, to be the last straw of my silence.
I don’t know why I’m compelled this day to speak on this topic. Why not before? Every time I hear of another suicide I am beside myself with how to help. I have struggled over the last couple of years with how best to be available to those who feel suicidal. Despite offers, pleas and support no one has reached out in their time of need.
The problem being, of course, that when you are in that place, it is too dark to see where to turn the light on.
Energetically, now, I know what happens. The mindset vibration is so far off course from the Soul’s vibration that it feels hopeless in the separation. In short, feeling the pressure to be something not born to be.
I was suicidal in High School and College. I thought about it everyday. I made different plans and fantasized how ‘sorry’ everyone would be when I died. I made two clear attempts, yet no one ever knew that. The pills I took just made me sick, but not hospital sick and the second time I stood on a train track staring at the engine light, not remembering how I got off the track.
I would’ve told you a lot of different reasons why I did what I did, but today I will tell you they had one thing in common. Pressure to be what I wasn’t.
This pressure came from my family and from myself…and a bit from society, too I suppose.
Like many, I was given a Box I was meant to fit into. When I didn’t fit into it exactly, I felt pressure from my family, church and then myself. And by pressure I mean judgment, criticism and rejection. The more I didn’t fit the worst I felt. I contorted myself to appease and the more I did, the more uncomfortable my Soul became. It is this dissonance that leads to suicidal thoughts.
See, when you have this idea of what you are supposed to be (the Box) but it is not your Truth, you either 1) rebel and follow your own path by creating your own Box (or maybe you prefer a Basket like me); or 2) you contort to contain yourself in the original Box, by denying your desires, passions and emotions.
Sometimes the Box is entirely of your own making. Perhaps you have wonderful supportive parents who do not impose a Box on you, but because you grew up in a society you were exposed to the dimensions of other Boxes and constructed your own imaginary Box from lessons learned from teachers, the government, television advertising etc… It doesn’t matter where your box came from it only matters that the Box doesn’t fit you.
Simply put, suicide comes into play when you feel that what is showing up in your reality isn’t changeable.
Suicide is being lost in the illusion. The illusion that nothing is changeable. The illusion that no one cares. The illusion that you must fight your own nature and inner guidance. The illusion that things should be different than they show up. The illusion that you have no control.
In a very real way, I have created this “Life Enhancement” business/mission, as the ultimate suicide prevention. In living an enhanced life, we find value in our difference, not suffering. Perhaps that is why I am so unnerved every time I hear of a suicide/attempt. Each time I think, “If only we’d worked together before it ever got this far.”
Looking back if I had had one person who told me I was under no obligation to live by the rules of others, I would’ve had a much easier time. I would’ve found myself a lot earlier. I would’ve loved myself better for more of my life. I would’ve stepped onto my Path a lot earlier.
So, here I am saying it to you.
You are under no obligation to fit into the Box you were given. No one has the right to create your Box. No one.
The reasons/situations people commit or attempt suicide are too vast, but they have one thing in common…not feeling like they fit. Whether it is sexual orientation, gender identity, addiction, chemical imbalance, financial loss or even an artistic soul trying to live a corporate life…somehow the message is that they are worth-less.
Life is a joy. At least it was meant to be so. Living a joy-less life path can only lead to this suicidal ideation destination. Where else can it deliver you? Can joy-less ever deliver you to joy? I think not. However, the manipulative tactics of humans in our lives can short circuit our joy, when we let them. Or when we’ve been conditioned to think we cannot survive without their approval.
As for the increase in suicide of teens and twenty-somethings, my belief is that we have a lot of millennial born Souls who are quite evolved (BIG BOX) but subscribing to the belief/rules of the less evolved society (little box). I cannot imagine how excruciating this would be.
As for me, my dream is to one day own a sanctuary space. A metaphysical type store where I can offer sanctuary and support to those who need in the midst of wonderful metaphysical healing place. I believe many who feel trapped in a small box, can find freedom in such a place. I also think it will be easier for those who might need my particular support, to find it, rather than just here on the internet. I don’t know. Maybe it won’t help that way at all, but I’m happy to die trying.
Teaching our children to love and accept themselves no matter what is imperative. While the actions and words of others provide trajectory, it is ultimately this self-judgement and self-rejection that leads one to suicide. If one believes deeply in their own Self, no amount of rejection or criticism will cause them to raise a hand against themselves. But the belief that “I am necessary” keeps us Alive. Literally.
It is this thought that I have determined differentiates suicidal from non-suicidal. “I am necessary.” It is the only thing to explain why two different people, under the same circumstances, make different choices. Or why one person, once suicidal, can make new choices. It is my thought that the lack of this thought is why they cannot feel it when they are surrounded with loving, accepting and supportive loved ones.
You are necessary. What you came to do, can be done by no other. Please allow it to unfold.
With all my heart, I love. You.