The day is grey, overcast and pouring. It is fitting.
Last night, right before bed, I received notice of the judgement in my pending legal battle. If you can neither win nor lose something, then that would be the best way to describe. While I won the battle, I lost the war, in this conflict.
At first, I didn’t know how to react to it. I had no words, literally. I went straight to bed, hoping the reprieve of sleep would come swiftly, though it did not. This conflict has taken up three years of my life…almost to the day. While I was awarded most of what I was entitled to, the amount I was awarded is just a bit more than the attorney fees. Add in the other expenses of travel, accommodations and angst and I break even, maybe.
As I drove to work in the grey rain, I struggled to see the sun that I know is up there. That is exactly how I feel today. I am struggling to remember that no matter how bad the storm, how heavy the downpour and how dark the clouds, the sun is still shining. The sun is the constant, the storm is temporary.
My life is amazing and this news doesn’t change that at all.
There is the true gift of the situation and the recent Dark Night lesson as well. The sun is always shining, it never stops. Not when night falls and not when a storm rolls through and certainly not on a cloudy, grey rainy day.
It can be tempting to fall into old patterns of thinking by taking a situation that is highly disappointing and making ourselves out to be a victim of it. This is a real problem when we are still locked into old manifesting ‘law of attraction’ propaganda, which is simply a polished version of ‘if I put out good, I will get back only good’. The true challenge is achieving your highest vibration and keeping that even in the face of some pretty low vibe experiences. That is when we know we are evolving or ‘woke’ as some like to say.
This is a fairly weird place, as this is the first ‘challenge’ I’ve faced since the Dark Night. It feels oddly, neutral. There was a time when this would have me in tears wondering what I did wrong to deserve this outcome. The absence of regret, angst and anger means I’ve done some good work on my path. I would be lying if I said I felt no disappointment. Of course I hoped for a better outcome. I had hoped for all I was truly entitled too and all attorney fees as this person deliberately put up obstacles in attempts to procure the accounts for herself. But that didn’t happen.
What the Dark Night really drove home for me is that what happens to us isn’t what matters. It tells us nothing. It validates nothing. It is how we respond to these experiences and who we become through them that matters. No matter how high we keep our frequencies, we will always encounter challenges and disappointments. Why? Sometimes because they were always part of the Original Deal (the Design we created before we incarnated). Sometimes because they were part of someone else’s Design and we consented to assist. Sometimes because they are required context for further development. Sometimes because they will be the impetus for greatness from you. And sometimes we never know why.
I see clearly now, how most things do not have to change our lives as much as we think. It is our attitude and attention to the thing that will or will not change our lives. This decision does not impact my life in the slightest. My life is exactly the same as it was yesterday at this time. I have not been harmed. I am, at most, inconvenienced.
What I also am is eternally grateful. I am grateful for a lawyer and his staff who stood up and fought for me in a situation that was caused by my own family abandoning me. I am grateful for a best friend who supported me, housed me, fed me, encouraged me and comforted me through each step of the way as I needed to be in court. I am grateful that I had my chance to speak and despite being terrified, spoke my truth. I am grateful that of everything I could’ve lost, I gained an even better relationship with my daughter. I am grateful I am not in debt over this. I am grateful that I have an amazing life and that I was not dependent on this situation working out in a particular way. It would’ve eased some worry for the future, but that is about all.
What am I most grateful for??? What I am always most grateful for when I am in these situations…that I am not her. I am not bitter, angry, manipulative, pathological, violent, desperate or criminal. I have peace of mind at night. I sleep beside a really good man who loves me absolutely without question unconditionally. I have a daughter of whom I am most proud. I have two amazing dogs and a puppy arriving next week!!! I am fortunate to be on the forefront of the End-Of-Life Doula movement in the United States. I have a wonderful job in Bereavement, with two very wonderful co-workers. I have a beautiful sister and two very dear sister-friends.
Money ebbs and flows like any energy does…it is not finite. My devotion attracts resources and support and everything I need -plus more- is on its way to me.
It might rain, now and again, but the sun is always shining. Always. It might be night, but the sun is still shining on the other side of the world. It might be raining, but above the clouds the sun is still there. There is never a time when the sun does not exist.
I love you.
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