Who Would I Be?

I think a lot about a lot of things. Sometimes those things become blog posts; sometimes they don’t. It’s anyone’s guess why some make it and other’s don’t. It just depends on my need to get it out into the world. There is no rhyme or reason beyond that.

It’s all in an attempt to understand the world around me better, and to understand the purpose of life better as well.

Today’s thoughts revolve around my daughter.

Becoming a mother was instrumental in facilitating my pursuit to understand life. Being a mother created this need to make sense of everything. As I grow older, and my daughter grows older, I reassess earlier understandings because my perspective changes.

Being the parent of an adult, for me, is a greater challenge than being the parent of a minor. No longer in control of the decision making for her, I find myself looking back at the decisions I made as a mother and contemplate things I would perhaps do differently now.

This thought train led me back to my own childhood, as I can see easily now how the mother I have been was born of the girl I used to be.

Mixed with these musings are the musings regarding the state of the world I currently live in. How did we get here, exactly? And how can we change the ending? That thought then led to this one…

What woman would I have become if the girl I used to be had known her worth?

I imagine I would be very very different and had a very different life.

I imagine I would not have been raped, because 1) I would’ve known how to say no to things that weren’t saying yes to myself; and 2) I would have learned to trust my intuition. Not being raped would’ve opened me to more possibilities in choices of men. I would not have seen myself as damaged and therefore not had the perspective that I was ‘lucky anyone wanted me at all.’

I would’ve studied to become a writer, because I would’ve believed in my ability and trusted that my passion was worth pursuing, instead of caving when my parents said they wouldn’t pay for it. I imagine I would have written several books by now.

I imagine I would’ve done better in school because I would’ve asked more questions instead of ‘being no bother’ and fearing my questions were stupid. I imagine feeling confident to share my voice and sharing my unique perspectives that would’ve led to interesting and educational conversations.

I imagine that, with the increased self-esteem that comes from knowing my worth, I would not have been bullied about the way I looked and the clothes I wore. Or I would’ve had the courage to stand up to the bullies. I imagine I would have just the right come back for any snide remarks and put downs.

I imagine I would’ve pressed charges instead of burying the trauma in shame. I imagine I would’ve believed I knew my daughter better than that teacher. I wouldn’t have been caught in an abusive marriage at all. I would’ve never dated a guy who hit me. I wouldn’t have been a target for my college professor. I wouldn’t have been a repeated target for predators, period. I wouldn’t have looked at my face and body to see only flaws.

I would’ve taken more chances on myself.

Then this thought occurred to me-

We could change our entire world in just one generation if we simply treated little girls as worthy.

If we ceased sexualizing them in the marketing industry. If we stopped using the phrase ‘like a girl’. If we stopped gender qualifying anything. If we stopped convincing them they ‘simply misunderstood’ when they tell. If we stopped using ‘pussy’ and ‘cunt’ as insults. If we stopped re-victimizing them in the justice system. If we stopped blaming the victims instead of the predators.

If we started teaching ‘my body, my choice’ at the age of three when she doesn’t want to hug strangers or creepy old Uncle Fester. If we encouraged her voice instead of silencing her when she shares her truth.

If we celebrated their differences instead of forcing them into some kind of socially acceptable mold. If we taught them to believe in their intuition instead of discounting it because they can’t ‘justify it with logic or reason’. If we encouraged their passion no matter what it might be.

If being at home was as valued as being in the board room. If social work was valued more than social influence. If liking yourself mattered more than others liking you. If bold wasn’t bitchy and confident wasn’t conceited.

If we stopped using shame as a weapon and started presenting self-reflection as a tool. If we stopped vilifying their organic nature and started validating their emotions, development and processes.

What if we treated all little female beings as beans of magic?

We would grow women who see the necessity of saying yes to themselves. Who feel comfortable expressing their wisdom. Who’s first impulse is to lift another woman up. Who are more comfortable standing out than blending in.

Who’s spirit of compassion outweighs the spirit of competition. Who make more room at the table, rather than just substitute faces at it. Who’s influence increases productivity, by increasing job satisfaction.

Who’s energetic gifts alter the trajectory of the world.

And oh, what kind of world would that be…

2 responses to “Who Would I Be?”

  1. You truly are a gifted writer. Your posts on here would make for a great book! I’m so sorry you’ve been through so much. You are a voice many need to hear.


  2. Your comment is a gift to me! Your energy reading my posts is a gift to me! I am currently in the ‘marinating’ phase of exploring writing another book. Just not sure what topic to cover. Thank you so much for your support!


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