Something I hear a lot of Foul Mouthed Women say is some variation of ‘it’s hard for me to ask for help’.

Is this you?

It was me, too. And I raised my daughter in that. I learned it from my mother, so it is definitely something generational.

That means we can stop passing it along, though, too!

Here’s the thing. The mindset that it is ‘weak’ to ask for or need ‘help’, is a toxic construct created by society (the 1%).

Human beings are social beings. We are tribe people. ALL of us are tribe people, not just BIPOC, and that is another part of history that has been erased/manipulated/shrouded. I believe it is to fit the dynamic of ‘us v them’ that helps the 1% to control society to their benefit.

Take a minute to examine all the ‘us v them’ models: BIPOC v White, Rich v Poor, men v women, thin v fat, old v young, what other examples can you think of that pits one faction of society against the other? All these are ways to isolate us from one another. In short convincing us all that it is the haves vs the have nots, in such a way that we all feel like we are have nots.

By disguising isolation as independence it sets up people for suffering when they cannot maintain and ‘independent life’. In actuality, humans function best in tribes…small groups, not big collections of people requiring oversight by ‘government’. In these tribes we find the SUPPORT we INNATELY NEED. As opposed to support being labeled ‘help’ and ‘needing help’ sported as something weak.

In truth we -as individuals – would not need ‘help’ at all, IF we lived in societies that SUPPORTED its members!!! While we have made some progress in identifying the issues our society has had regarding marginalizing certain members, we have simultaneously disintegrated in other ways.

In the fifties, the standard was that one income could support a family, and that household often housed multiple generations. Because one parent (usually the mother at that time) was at home, neighbors knew one another….and neighborhoods became the modern day tribes. Offering support whenever one of its members needed it.

In the 70’s the move for women to have more independence and choice to work outside the home seemed a good thing. Until the economics were manipulated making it eventually impossible for a family to live on one income. The practice of warehousing the elderly also removed the multi-generational aspect of support and forced young parents to put their children into daycare. Then that cost became so burdensome people are needing to choose between working or having a parent stay home to defer the childcare costs.

Cut to present day when it is now even impossible for young adults to live independently on one income. Leaving young adults feeling like failures because they are comparing themselves to the toxic independent ideals set by media.

We need to start looking with X-ray vision at the structures set in place, because they are NOT designed for OUR success. They are set to make sure those in power stay in power and those powerless, stay powerless.

It IS hard to ask for help. Because it is not our natural state!! Our natural state is to have tribes that have a foundation of supporting its members. This is why The Foul-Mouthed Woman community is so important. It is why any ‘Sisterhood’ is important. It is why BIPOC are creating spaces for themselves. These are ways the marginalized are finding the tribal support that human beings innately require.

Force feeding us toxic independence notions keeps us separated and keeps us from seeing the whole picture. It keeps us thinking in the terms of toxic independence rather than our natural state which is INTERdependence. Yes, that’s right. That is a thing!

Telling us that needing one another is weak, is nothing less than psychological warfare. It is gaslighting! Yet we ate it up! Can you imagine someone trying to convince you that experiencing thirst is a weakness? That requiring air to live is a weakness? Yet, the support of one another is as necessary to our emotional and mental wellbeing as water and air are to our bodies.

Being thirsty is a sign that you are not getting enough water for your needs. Needing help is a sign that you are not getting enough support for your needs. It’s really that simple.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Humans are social beings whose natural society structure is tribal. In tribes we found support and interdependence organically and no one felt shame for needing support. Everyone was seen as valuable and important to the whole. The whole served the individuals. Unlike today’s society of isolation tactics and the construct of individuals serving the whole – with the ‘whole’ being the elite.

Don’t let the 1% gaslight you. Question everything.

Jade